Author Topic: release  (Read 1894 times)

Offline rikki

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release
« on: December 25, 2009, 12:31:27 AM »
I had a bit of a wake up after the last post. I hope this is easier to read.

Thanks for the honesty. Sometimes a good slap in the face is refreshing and inspires us to improve.

Any and all feedback welcome.



I kneel
in priestly
fashion

bird-boned hands
I hold, more
for me

He lay
in
prednisone skin

gulping
milky-eyed

blindly begging
     one last
breath.

terror takes
his eyes

morphine
drip

our
goodbye



« Last Edit: December 30, 2009, 06:43:37 PM by rikki101 »
Where the slime is thickest, under that rock, that's where they found me.

Offline Mark H

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Re: untitled
« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2009, 07:22:51 AM »
Yoda is the curse of writers that are trying to sound poetic.

Do you know anyone that speaks like this (bar Yoda) ... bird-boned hands I hold ... ?

If you have an honest and interesting image to portray then tell it simply and let the picture do the work rather than the words. And don't use words that most people wont understand. The reader won't be impressed by words like prednisone, they will just think you are either showing off or that you own a dictionary.

Watch you tense switches.

If the reader is going to engage with this piece they will probably want to know who the protags are.

Having said all that. I think this has potential.  :)

Mark
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Offline rikki

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Re: untitled
« Reply #2 on: December 25, 2009, 09:34:29 AM »
Thanks for the input Mark.

I disagree on the use of prednisone. It is a strange word, but it is fitting imho. Prednisone does strange things to people who take it. It affects the skin by thinning the tissue while also causing swelling, do to water retention.

I will try to avoid Yoda type phrasing.

Would it help to add a comma, like so, to avoid the Yoda sound?

Bird-boned hands,
I hold, more
for me

I want this to show my fathers semi-lifeless hand, me holding it, even though I know it's of no comfort to him. Does that come through?

Thanks again





Where the slime is thickest, under that rock, that's where they found me.

Offline Mark H

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Re: untitled
« Reply #3 on: December 25, 2009, 11:45:23 AM »
I disagree on the use of prednisone. It is a strange word, but it is fitting imho.

My point is quite simple ... how does the reader know that it is fitting if they don't know what it means?

I want this to show my fathers semi-lifeless hand, me holding it, even though I know it's of no comfort to him. Does that come through?

Well you tell me. What word of phrase in the poem shows us that the person with the bony hand is the N's father?

The Yoda thing is easy to fix. Consider this. I hold my father's bird-boned hands in mine.

I have one more question for you. Tell me what terror looks like?

Mark
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If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline eric

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Re: untitled
« Reply #4 on: December 25, 2009, 12:42:14 PM »
they gave prednisone to my dying dog, it helped him for awhile but did not prevent his death.  apart from the millions of people in your audience that do not know it's a corticosteroid, there's another problem with the word.  with respect, it's clunky and does not fit in with what you're saying.  you may think it fits, i do not.  only one of us is right.  your dad had sallow skin, or flaccid skin or etc. -- he did not have "prednisone" skin.  and this is just one small example of the problems you have.  i suggest you listen carefully to Mark, he's an experienced poet who can help you.
« Last Edit: December 25, 2009, 12:46:57 PM by eric »

Offline rikki

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Re: untitled
« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2009, 03:03:51 PM »
I see what you mean about pretnisone. It gives no image.

Terror is also to abstract.

I will change it up and see if I can't turn it into something.

Thanks for your time guys. I appreciate the direction.

Where the slime is thickest, under that rock, that's where they found me.

Offline rikki

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Re: release
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2009, 07:01:51 PM »
This is a first attempt revision of a poem I would like to work out.

Again, thanks in advance for any feedback.

release


I kneel,
bedside,
holding my father’s
bird-boned hand.

A comfort more for me.

He lies
in ulcer-bitten skin.

Milky eyed.

Gulping
ugly mouthfuls of air.

Cracked lips
and a swollen tongue,
a testament to his labor.   

I swab the sucking-hole.

“They all go through this in the end.”

The nurse states.

Her attempt
to repel the reality.

Pushing another needle
she says to me,

“This’ll take the pain away.”

Then
drip by
drip.

Administered
release.

Where the slime is thickest, under that rock, that's where they found me.

Offline Mark H

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Re: release
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2009, 04:49:28 AM »
Hi Rikki

IMO that is much better.

It still needs work though. Here's what I'd do next. Let it settle for a day then go back to to it. Then read though and ask yourself what you can cut. Look for things that you state outright but which are better hinted at. For example if you can show us that he is unaware of your presence then the fact you are holding his hand must be for you not him; then you have no need to say: A comfort more for me.

If you use speech, try and introduce it without having the "he said/she states". You can do this with proximity to an action. Example:

The nurse placed her hand on my shoulder.
"They all go through this in the end."

Mark
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
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If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline rikki

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Re: release
« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2009, 03:48:44 PM »
Roger that.

You are most patient, M. I'll get back at it and grind that gristle down. 

rikki
Where the slime is thickest, under that rock, that's where they found me.

Offline rikki

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Re: release
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2010, 10:34:10 AM »
Mark, I tried to put in your suggestions. Thanks again.

All feedback welcome.
Thanks.



Kneeling,
bedside,
I hold my father’s
bird-boned hand.

He lies
in ulcer-bitten skin,
gulping
ugly mouthfuls of air.

I swab
cracked lips
and a swollen tongue,
a testament to his labor.   

The nurse approaches
this portrait of mortality,

“They all go through this in the end.”

Her attempt
to repel the reality.

And with a frail embrace,
his hand to mine,

the last needle
 
kisses my father
goodbye.
Where the slime is thickest, under that rock, that's where they found me.