Author Topic: A Life In The Dream Of My Love  (Read 2887 times)

Offline mickward

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A Life In The Dream Of My Love
« on: June 02, 2006, 02:01:15 PM »

A Life In The Dream Of My Love

What do you dream of my love?
Asleep by my side in the night
Do you dream of emancipation?
Being carried away by a knight

Do you dream of times past?
Of past loves and good health
Or are your dreams of riches?
The sins of excess and wealth

Whose side are you stood by?
When you talk in your sleep
Is it with a man or a woman?
Whose appointment you keep

I don't care of your dreaming
Or on what pleasure you dine
For when you awaken again
Once more you become mine


Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: A Life In The Dream Of My Love
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2006, 06:03:09 PM »
Nice one Mick - we live different lives in our dreams sometimes but we all have to wake up, eh?

Cheers
Carrie

Offline randomElf

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Re: A Life In The Dream Of My Love
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2006, 06:35:19 PM »
Dude, nice one, flowed nicely and the ending wraps it up perfect (the way jealousy comes in at the beginning and kicked in the butt at the end).  Like that you kept the rhyming down to every second line, just me personally, I don't like stuff that sounds too much like a lullaby. Here I think the rhyme sounds tuned.  Keep up the good work. (I've read some of your other posts, all make good reading)

Offline actpoet1

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Re: A Life In The Dream Of My Love
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2006, 12:03:43 AM »
Mickward,

Sorry to be the critical one, but your "poems" read like prose that was broken up to rhyme. You have no images, no substance beneath the words to make the reader feel or sense anything. Yes, it's crafted well, with how you play "jealousy." I suggest you take a moment to read Sylvia Plath, she used the same conversation tone in her poems and read more poetry to learn how it: looks, sounds, and feels.

Hope you don't take this the wrong way, just being honest.
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline mickward

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Re: A Life In The Dream Of My Love
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2006, 03:40:44 AM »
Well Actpoet (don't people hide behind dumb names these days?)

  Everyone is entitled to their own point of view, even if it's a load of rubbish. I have read Sylvia Plath and to be honest, i have found ger over-rated, boring and turgid........never mind, she might be appreciated one day.

  No offence taken with the critique, I feel happy that the four times I've had this poem published, more than makes up for the bad critique.

  Mick Ward

Offline actpoet1

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Re: A Life In The Dream Of My Love
« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2006, 11:41:41 AM »
Mickward,

It's not hard to get poem published these days -- by the way where is it published? I would like to know what paper, magazine or internet site deemed this poetry.

If you honestly think that what you write is poetry, you're sadly mistaken. One day it will hit you between the eyes and you'll understand.
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline mickward

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Re: A Life In The Dream Of My Love
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2006, 04:01:35 AM »
Hmmm,

   I don't feel that there is any justification for someone to be as rude as you are actpoet. No, getting published is not too hard..........if you write good marketable stuff. Imay not be the next Wordsworth and I may never be remembered beyond my family and friends, but at least I know my place in the world........unlike some I can mention.
   I am drawing an end to this less-than-productive banter and would prefer it if you could do the same.

 MiW

Offline Symphony

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Re: A Life In The Dream Of My Love
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2006, 07:44:31 AM »
Guys, guys, no getting personal, please. ActPoet - I can see what you're getting at, with a lack of depth and imagery - but I still think this poem is very marketable. Mickward - I really enjoyed this - and I loved your ending. The structure shows thought and consideration. If I have a criticism, it would be in terms of rhythm. Because your rhyming is so tight, I somehow felt that the rhythm should have been equally consistent (but perhaps that's me being old-fashioned). I don't mean that it needs to be 'traditional' - but it would add more to your poem if your first lines had similar rhythms - and your second lines and third lines, etc.  Not sure if I'm explaining myself very well. I think that if the meter is eratic, then it would be better almost in free verse (or the occasional rhyme, but not every second line). Does that make any sense?  If you're interested in me 'adjusting' one or two of your verses to reflect this (simply as an example), let me know. On the other hand, if it's been pubished and you're quite happy with it, then I'm right behind you with applause and congrats - and here's to many more successes!

Keep them coming,

Symphony

Offline mickward

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Re: A Life In The Dream Of My Love
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2006, 10:46:09 AM »
hi Symphony,

  I wish i knew what the fuss is about, i write purely for my own pleasure and anything else is secondary. There isn't much pleasure in life as it is and if i make just one person smile or feel good, then I'll be a happy man. If someone hates my work, then let them keep their hatred to themselves and let others decide what turns them on or off. Life is too short to be nasty and i can say that with more authority than most people out there.

Mick Ward