Author Topic: sinse this thread cannot be deleted I put EPILOGUE Quinn LongBow in  (Read 2101 times)

Offline DW Adkins

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Epilogue
Quinn Longbow
The Little girl



Jasmine Nightingale Kinkaid was laying down listening to the unique rhythm hum of the small car mixed with passing traffic and

different kinds of road they had traveled on. She never thought about it before in all of her acquired seven years of life that

different highways would have different songs. Songs was the best way she could describe the different music the highways

made. Some were rhythmically annoying like when you crossed a bridge click whoop click whoop sound it made and you knew it

could collapse and; well she certainly knew she did not like bridges almost as much as she disliked her name. Honestly what was

her mother thinking? She loved Momma with all her might, but, Jasmine Nightingale Kinkaid? Her mother said it sounded pretty,

and in a way Jazz thought it did it was just had so many letters in it when she had to write on the school blackboard. 


       Now these people in the front seat of the small car did not look at her or talk to her all that much. Except when they lied

and said her Mommy was hurt and they needed to take her to see her Mommy at the Baton Rouge hospital. When they did

finally talk her the man with the bad teeth called her Susie, and said her name would be Suzie from now on. Jazz is not sure but

she thought only parents could name you. Susie? Yuck! But they were very scary and the woman said that she had to be good

or they would never let her see her mother again. Sure she had cried and thrown what her Dad would have called a Hissy-Fit;

but then, they had hit her and more than it hurt it shocked her no one had ever hit her on the face and …she really wants her

Mommy and she wants these bad people to be hurt too. Jazz knows it’s not nice to want other people to hurt, but she does not

think God would like what these people are doing, and in Sunday school they said he Smite bad people and she looked up smite

on the Internet and from what she could tell being smite by God would be the last thing anyone would want so it would be just

fine if he would smite them. Only she wants to be out of the area. She means no disrespect to God or Jesus; but, she is not

sure of God’s aim; because. he usually smites Armies and Cities. Jazz lay down again and silently prayed to God if he might smite

these bad people…and not her by accident.
« Last Edit: December 25, 2009, 12:55:36 PM by DW Adkins »
One positive thing about rejection slips---You can burn them in the winter to keep warm, as long as you keep submitting new work!
DW Adkins

marsto911

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Re: Quinn Longbow
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2009, 03:28:30 AM »
Hi,

Thought I'd post a couple comments.  I'm pretty honest so if you're sensitive don't read them.  I am a very new writer too. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

Reading large blocks of text is very wearing.  I keep losing my place and am giving up.  You might want to consider paragraph breaks. If your work is easier to read people will give comments.   

I only  made two comments.  Hope they will help you.

Good luck.

Mar


A dinner (((diner is the correct spelling for a restaurant))) filled with strong men each with a steaming cup marking their place like the grave-stones at Arlington. Working men not good not bad just tired and trying to catch some rest before the next run, or the next shift at the cannery.

Jagged nerves made brittle by too much caffeine(((I LOVE this sentence about caffeine ))); it’s the middle of the season it’s proving time. Now’s the time the truckers make their sweet money, everything before this time paid for their diesel, tires upkeep and mortgage on their rig.

Offline Don

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Re: Quinn Longbow
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2009, 12:47:13 PM »
DW -

The first thing I noticed is that the opening sentence wasn't actually a sentence. Instead of being a hook to draw me in and make me want to read more, it stopped me right there and left me wondering what happened to the rest of the sentence.

You have a number of these non-sentences. That would be fine in dialogue. People don't usually speak in complete sentences. Outside of dialogue, the rules rule. Incomplete sentences tell me you haven't taken the time to carefully proofread your story. Add to this a monolithic block of text (as Mar duly noted) and you have the prescription for instant rejection.

My advice would be to go through your story, clean up the sentence structure and spelling (their instead of there,) write a compelling hook and let us look at it again. Good luck.
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.

Offline DW Adkins

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Re: Quinn Longbow
« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2009, 12:57:13 PM »
First sentence is a complete sentence. However, I do agree to take Quinn back to the type and set him and me straight.
Thank you for your input I needed a good kick to hopefully ,activate to what I believe will be one hell of a yarn.


A diner filled with strong men; each with a steaming cup marking their place, like the grave-stones Mark (the dead) at Arlington.

"The dead" This would be needlessly wordy and unnecessary to an American. That know the loss.

Again thank you been awhile been writing thesis not fiction.

If you could delete this and I'll try again I would be much appreciated. I do not know how.
DW Adkins
One positive thing about rejection slips---You can burn them in the winter to keep warm, as long as you keep submitting new work!
DW Adkins

Offline A.J.B

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Re: Quinn Longbow
« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2009, 01:09:44 PM »
I don't know what on earth posessed you to change the font size as you have. One part is huge, the next is smaller but still huge...the entire first post is incredibly painful on the eyes because of this.

Also, I read the first sentence based on the comments and I don't think it is a good opening sentence. It sounds mor elike a bullet point than an opening sentence for a novel/short

I notice you changed your opening post. I made the size comment as I looked in on this before but had to leave for work and the size was fine. Then I came on now and it was huge. Hence why I said 'change' and not 'posted it like that'.

I use word 2003 and on occassion 2007 and it has no problems when I paste my stuff on here. There was also a size tag not closed properly which made me think it had been aletered by the poster.

If you cannot take critiscm without resorting to a 'witty' comeback, should you be posting on the review board at all?
« Last Edit: December 24, 2009, 01:36:05 PM by A.J.B »
My debut novel 'Life Eternal' is now available to buy on Amazon in both paperback and kindle.

Please search 'Aaron J Booth' on Amazon to find the product.

Offline DW Adkins

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Re: man a little kindness fer the human's that are below you Psycho wheel
« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2009, 01:46:55 PM »
Ditto Brother!
Witty ?
Coming from you it would be an insult for I doubt you know subtlety of wit if it hit you like a semi enuf said!
Now just let this dog die if ya feel your superior need to protect your fragile ego...try to think before you type. Sorry my positive input to others is on record, and I've taken more advice and rejection in my many forms of art that I am very successful in. Sooooo...be nice to people that lack your superior knowledge, and help don't attack. Look at the wording of the moderator if your to ignorant to post a good response. Or maybe just keep your opinions to yourself or remember we are intended to help each other.

Now is that sentence clear enough for ya!

DW Adkins
One positive thing about rejection slips---You can burn them in the winter to keep warm, as long as you keep submitting new work!
DW Adkins

Offline A.J.B

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Re: man a little kindness fer the human's that are below you Psycho wheel
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2009, 01:54:48 PM »
I posted above that outlining why I said what I did. Nothing I posted was meant out of malice. I commented on asking why you changed the size and why it was so impossible to read due to this. Heaven forbid I tell the truth and say that it hurt my eyes. It did.

I do not claim to be superior, and just how you managed to gleam that from my post is beyond me. My advice to you is dig for gold, as you can apparently find things that aren't there.

I also commented saying I felt your opening sentence was more of a bullet point than an opening sentence. Which I truly feel it is. You stated the surroundings and did little more.

Quite frankly your response to my post (changing your thread name to its current title) and then borderline abusive post you just posted is incredibly petty.

Believe it or not, I did not get out of bed and think 'right, today I shall lead a personal attack on someone in the review board followed by a nice hot bath, tea and biscuits.'

I would be quite interested for a moderator to check the wording of your post and see if he/she considers that to be a 'good response'.

I wont be replying to you any more as quite frankly I don't come online for the sole purpose of a bitching contest.
My debut novel 'Life Eternal' is now available to buy on Amazon in both paperback and kindle.

Please search 'Aaron J Booth' on Amazon to find the product.

Offline Socom

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Re: man a little kindness fer the human's that are below you Psycho wheel
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2009, 02:15:01 PM »

Believe it or not, I did not get out of bed and think 'right, today I shall lead a personal attack on someone in the review board followed by a nice hot bath, tea and biscuits.'


But A.J.B, that's the best way to start Christmas Eve--Scrooge style!  ;)
"May God forgive me for the time I've wasted"
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"God never panics"
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"This too shall pass"

marsto911

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Merry Christmas Eve in the US
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2009, 04:10:57 PM »
Hi all,

Merry Christmas to all.  I hope your holiday finds you warm safe and dry. 

I am brand new to this board and am shocked!  Am I the right place? 

I've only been writing about  a year and am the first to call myself an ultra-novice.  My goal is to pass on a little about what I have learned as a kindness to others.   

Posting  my work and reading in groups is something that causes me to pause.  My stories are like children. 

Over the past year I have attended one critique group of both men and women that is very kind, but direct, and sometimes harsh.  I have  improved my writing becuase of the feedback.  The comments are difficult to hear,  but they are true.  My work has improved significantly because I am willing to listen and realize that it is not personal.  The critiques allow me to  see things through others eyes because I become blind to my own work.  Almost all of the comments I receive are on target which is a bit humbling. 

I attend a different writing group with women who are wonderful and supportive. We are all very nicey nice but I have not learned as much about writing. It is a very warm and nurturing environment and I love the attendees and the meetings.

Both groups are very fun and fulfilling.  If I had to choose, I would go with the harsher group because I want to improve. 

My hope is that we will all remember to understand that malice is not intended.  Hopefully we will respect each other for donating their time to make comments on our work. In life, our time is the most precious resource. 

Peace to all,

Mar