Author Topic: Her Converse  (Read 1756 times)

Offline 13Dianne

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Her Converse
« on: December 22, 2009, 01:55:38 PM »
So like the idea I had when I started this, and it isn't transferring the way I want to. Very aggitating!


At home-
she would sweep her face
with a light peach blush,
making her seem sun kissed.
She gave her eyes a hint of gold.
So the blue was like an angelís gown.
She took off her heavy pants,
that were black and full of chains.
Stood naked in front of mirror
counting her freckles
like they were stars,
too many to count in one day.

Time for school-
a pale liquid covered her cheeks,
making her eyes dull
like a lifeless body.
Black traced the lines
under her eyes and out to her temple.
Like her siamese.
She covered those freckles
with a band t-shirt
the swallowed her breasts
like they were clams
under an ocean.


She looked down,
seeing the purple high tops on her feet.
She hated purple,
she hated high tops.
Her friend had gotten blue ones.
So she went for purple,
kind of the same,
but a little different.
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken" -Tyler Durden

13. Dianne

Offline Lew Charles

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2009, 05:53:11 AM »
Maybe I'm missing something. It does seem like something's going on, but this doesn't read like a poem to me. There's some alright descriptions, but they seem like they belong in a novel. Just my opinion, of course.  :)
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randolph

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2009, 06:13:54 AM »
Hello Diane,

I'm not sure I agree with Lew Charles. I'm afraid I didn't read any interesting descriptions here. You seem overly preoccupied with mundane colours. Gold, peach, black, purple, blue. There is a more to poetry than describing the colour of something - but I suspect  it's a commonplace strategy when people are starting out.

In my view, colours should be used only sparingly, and if you do use them then it should be because they compliment a particularly dramatic or vivid image, or an unexpected visual impression (i.e. a colour you wouldn't normally associate with an object).

Your subject - a girl examining her own body - is a relevant one given the modern obsession with physical appearance, and I'd say it's worth writing poetry about. But you need to find a way to make it more interesting, I guess. This one just feels like you're going through the motions.

Best of luck

Randolph

Offline Lew Charles

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2009, 06:26:03 AM »
Well, Randolph's right, I'd say, in relation to poetry. However, with prose writing it is a matter of opinion and style. I agree that you wouldn't want to bombard any piece of writing with colour descriptions, but then even the 'mundane' colours have their place. In fact, I would say that the 'mundane' colours, blue, orange etc... are often more effective than other colours, providing they are used in the right way ie. not green grass, blue sky etc.

'She would sweep her face/with a light peach blush,' is alright, I think. 'Sunkissed,' seems a bit off, but by the same token it created a vivid image for me.

 
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randolph

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2009, 06:39:47 AM »
I would say that the 'mundane' colours, blue, orange etc... are often more effective than other colours, providing they are used in the right way ie. not green grass, blue sky etc.

You mention blue and orange - have a look at eric's poem about Gaudi on the workshop which proves you're absolutely right about that. They can be used effectively, but as I said, to compliment a dramatic image.

Quote
'She would sweep her face/with a light peach blush,' is alright, I think. 'Sunkissed,' seems a bit off, but by the same token it created a vivid image for me.

This isn't a dramatic image. Light peach blush is just what it is. A light peach blush. Why not just a blush? The blush is what's important here, not the colour. The usage is mundane.

Offline Lew Charles

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2009, 06:52:56 AM »
Vivid image, not dramatic. Well, each to their own. Yeah, I just checked Eric's poem. I've used the colours myself to describe Catalonia - Tarragona in my case. I would say they are very appropiate colours for that part of Spain - orange dust, blue mountains (the effect of the sky on the pine trees in the distance).

Anyway, we're beginning to hijack this thread and we'll get told off  ;)     
'The best things in life are free.'

Offline Amie

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2009, 09:43:00 AM »
Anyway, we're beginning to hijack this thread and we'll get told off  ;)     

Nah, you're still discussing stuff that's relevant to the poem, so it's not really a hijack. Just so long as you don't start talking about Dusty Springfield or the government's latest plans to destroy higher education (whoops! nearly lapsed into hijack mode there myself ;) )
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline Amie

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2009, 09:50:27 AM »
re: poem, my initial impressions were that there's a germ of something in there, but I'm not really sure where you were going with it.

I did think some of the descriptions were interesting (eg breasts like clams, freckles like stars) - but they didn't really seem to link into anything else in any kind of coherent way - you might have thought there was something to them, but then when you realise that they're littered in with other similes that are more or less random (ie eyeliner like her Siamese... or was it the tracing that was like the Siamese?) you end up thinking, 'nah'

I also found the repeated similies a bit jarring (like, like, like), and amongst the interesting descriptions were a whole lot of dull ones (eg light peach blush, sun kissed body, pale liquid covering her cheeks, etc)

One description that was interesting for the wrong reasons was 'heavy pants'. I guess you must be American :) - Pants in the UK means panties, so that line immediately made me think that N was incontinent :(

I think it could go somewhere, but it needs a lot of work IMO.
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2009, 10:19:14 AM »
this goes absolutely nowhere.  it's a beginning, with no middle and no end.  and, as a beginning, it's way too long.  way too wordy.
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Kyle

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #9 on: December 23, 2009, 06:04:09 PM »
Quote
She covered those freckles
with a band t-shirt

Which band? :)

Offline 13Dianne

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2009, 06:17:32 PM »
didn't even notice the color thing...I wrote this so long ago and thought this would be a good place to put it so I could revise. I am American :) I wasn't going for panties

I'll have to work on it
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken" -Tyler Durden

13. Dianne

Kyle

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Re: Her Converse
« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2009, 07:21:43 PM »
I still want to know which band.  8)