Author Topic: Buoys (Revised)  (Read 2740 times)

Offline actpoet1

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Buoys (Revised)
« on: June 01, 2006, 02:42:07 PM »
Last week I snapped awake as if my head was jammed
underneath a polluted lake. I was certain it
was happening again: his piston
ramming me. I bolted to the
shower. Locked the door. And raked the inside
of my thighs until I struck blood. Yet his fingerprints
rose like a tiny buoys on my skin and hooked
the memory of that night in my eyes. I leaped

out and rushed on my jeans and shirt, as my shoulders
heaved in heavy sobs like his piston that stabbed my flesh
seeking its oily prize. Then I tiptoed to

my sonís crib and held him. But tonight I saw his face and slid
a cover over my sonís nose. Turning, I sprinted

to the left side of the kitchen sink. His formula bottles
floated like tiny buoys. I held them under until their last
bubble of air gurgled out. Stumbling backÖ

back to his crib with the slow
deliberation of a yawning drawbridge, I heard him snap awake
with a shriek, sensing his last bubble of air
may gurgle      out this time. 

SAY8
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Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: Buoys (Revised)
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2006, 06:32:45 PM »
deep, dark, difficult.  Thought provoking, disturbing - very evocative and powerful stuff.

Carrie.

Offline actpoet1

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Re: Buoys (Revised)
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2006, 08:13:05 PM »
Carrie,

Thank you.
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Offline actpoet1

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Re: Buoys (Revised)
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2006, 12:28:48 AM »
Read this one Bryn.
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Offline Bryn

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Re: Buoys (Revised)
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2006, 11:35:31 AM »
I think...the second one is a little better. The lake imagery is obviously more consistent with 'Buoys', (incidentally is that the American pronunciation or the British boys?, would affect the rhythm when i read it aloud). Opening with a precise moment, a singular occasion seems very much more powerful to me than something to which she might have grown accustomed.

'Polluted' jars. The image is perfect but the word isn't. Try http://thesaurus.reference.com/ , is a great site if you don't already use it. In my opinion you could do with revising the first two lines from 'as if my head' to 'lake'. Underneath and polluted do not work together, nor does 'jammed' seem the right word. I spy awake and lake and like it.

There is a strong theme of possesion in this poem, i think, but a lot of the language is wrapped up in the emotional experience. If you could vary the use of possessive pronouns even a little i feel you would give a more powerful impression of the basis of her torment rather than the dominating physicality of the experience itself. I think this would demand less reader empathy which in such an extreme and unusual scenario is hard to deliver.

Apart from that, i would say that the drowning metaphor that sustains the opening and the last stanza fades out in the middle. Its needn't be an obvious word or phrase, but a subtle hint at it would be more consistent, especially since you are juxtaposing it with imagery of flesh and pain. I'm going out on a limb, but perhaps look instead for images from the bottom of the lake, or fishing/whaling terminology for some of those more powerful moments. I realise that the piston metaphor is engrained in this poem, but it is rather out there on its own. Powerful though it is, i feel you need something else to prop it up with (not shaft, god no) but maybe something similarly mechanical.

I Hope this has bee of some help. I do very much like this poem. If I'm coming on a bit strong with the sugestions just tell me to back off. I shall not take it amiss.

Bryn.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2006, 11:41:04 AM by Bryn »

Offline actpoet1

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Re: Buoys (Revised)
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2006, 02:23:58 PM »
Bryn:

Well put Bryn. I will heed your comments.
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