Author Topic: short snippet  (Read 2670 times)

super fly

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short snippet
« on: November 30, 2009, 07:55:51 PM »
hi this a snippet from a kids book i am writing a fantasy fiction for 7-12
any thoughts are appreciated thank u  ;) ( i know i have some editing, grammar mistakes but how does the writing make you feel) :-\


Kismat flew, flew until he heard loud booming noise coming from the ground. Kismat went to check it out. He notice the people had same

golden bronze shimmer that he has  only these folks had chocolate brown eyes and wear red dots on their fore head. Kismat focused his

mint green peepers on a brawny hefty fellow  standing in the middle of a market place.

“ hear ye , hear ye the king and queen invite all the villagers of Goa to join them for a feast in honor of their princess  Lila being born. The dinner will  be at the palace tomorrow at 7 pm.”

 He gazed as the public roared in a cheerful laughter filling the streets. Kismat heard growling sound coming from his stomach it's time for

a lunch break, he spotted a peaceful resting  place window ledge that overlooked the sea. He took a bite out of his pumpkin-honey

buttered sandwich when he heard two kids chattering with each other. Kismat peaked through the window sill and notice the boys were

overjoyed at the idea of visiting the palace.

“ When I go to the palace the king, queen will see me and adapt me?” said Kiran.

 “ You! Why not me?” exclaimed  Kishore.

“I look more like royalty than you and I am the elder brother” boasted Kiran as he pat Kishore mangled black hair.

 “You royalty” chuckled Kishore “ The only thing you are the King of is milking the cows.”

Round portly woman entered the room draped in red silky fabric. “ I have some bad new” she said.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2009, 08:15:01 PM by super fly »

Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2009, 08:03:42 PM »
could you edit and proof-read this yourself first?

also, I thought I should add as a general comment: children at 7, 8 are very different to children 11 or 12. This might appeal to 7 year olds, but not really the pre-teens.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2009, 08:05:34 PM by PretzelGirl »
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super fly

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2009, 08:43:07 PM »
 hi pretzel girl  :D

as you can tell i am a new, new, newbie at writing so unless someone can show me the flaw, i have no idea what do? ???

 

Offline Swampfox one

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2009, 08:56:23 PM »
It's not bad Fly. Just post like you are submitting it to a publisher. 8)

Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2009, 09:09:40 PM »
Alright - this is one some of it:



Kismat flew, flew until he heard a loud booming noise coming from the ground. Kismat went (went HOW? went is a very weak verb. It would give us a much clearer picture if you used a better verb here to show exactly what he did) to check it out. He noticed the people had the same golden bronze shimmer that he has (had)  only these folks had chocolate brown eyes and wear (wore) red dots on their foreheads. Kismat focused his

mint green peepers on a brawny hefty fellow  standing in the middle of a market place. (suddenly there's a market place. You need to describe and show the surrounding better. What was the booming noise anyway?)

“ hear ye , hear ye the king and queen invite all the villagers (CAPITALS) of Goa to join them for a feast in honor of their princess  Lila being born. The dinner will  be at the palace tomorrow at 7 pm.”

 He gazed as the public roared in a cheerful laughter filling the streets. Kismat heard a growling sound coming from his stomach it's time for

a lunch break
, he spotted a peaceful resting  place window ledge that overlooked the sea. (a window ledge?? Wasn't he outside? Where is he now?) He took a bite out of his pumpkin-honey

buttered sandwich (where did this sandwhich come from?) when he heard two kids chattering with each other. Kismat peaked through the window sill and notice the boys were

overjoyed at the idea of visiting the palace.

“ When I go to the palace the king, queen will see me and adapt (adopt) me?” said Kiran.

 “ You! Why not me?” exclaimed  Kishore.

“I look more like royalty than you and I am the elder brother” boasted Kiran as he patted Kishore mangled black hair.

 “You royalty” chuckled Kishore “ The only thing you are the King of is milking the cows.”

A Round portly woman entered the room draped in red silky fabric. “ I have some bad new” she said. (where is this happening?)
Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

super fly

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2009, 09:35:29 PM »
thanks 4 taking the time to read my work. i took your suggestions and revised it here it is


Kismat flew until he heard loud booming noise coming from the ground. Kismat swooped down for a closer look. He landed in the middle of

a market place. His green peepers were focused on a brawn, hefty fellow standing in the market place beating a drum, all the villagers

stop what they were doing to listen to the man.

 “HEAR YE, HEAR YE THE KING AND QUEEN INVITE THE PEOPLE OF GOA TO JOIN THEM FOR A FEAST IN, HONOR OF THEIR PRINCESS LILA BEING BORN. THE DINNER WILL BE AT THE PALACE TOMORROW AT SEVEN O'CLOCK.”

The public roared in a cheerful laughter. Kismat notice the people of this kingdom have the same golden bronze shimmer skin as him, only

these folks have chocolate brown eyes and the women wore red dots on their foreheads.

There was another rumble but this one was  from his stomach he spotted a peaceful window ledge that overlooked the sea. He plopped

onto the ledge closed his eyes started to think about his favorite meal a pumpkin honey buttered roasted sandwich and poof one showed

up. He took a bite out of it when his ears perked up and heard two boys chattering with each other.

“ When I go to the palace the king, queen will see me and adopt me?” said Kiran.

 “ You! Why not me?” exclaimed  Kishore.

“I look more like royalty than you and I am the elder brother” boasted Kiran as he patted Kishore mangled black hair.

“You royalty” chuckled Kishore “ The only thing you are the King of is milking the cows.”

A round portly woman entered the room draped in red silky fabric. “ I have some bad new” she said.



Offline The Dude Abides

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2009, 09:25:14 AM »
super fly,
Better now, but there are still numerous Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar issues. Make sure you insert at least one blank line between paragraphs. And I have added a few changes below in bold and comments in [italicized brackets].


Kismat flew until he heard a loud booming noise coming from the ground. Kismat He swooped down for a closer look. He landed in the middle of

a market place. His green peepers were focused on a brawny, hefty fellow standing in the market place beating a drum,. all All the villagers

stopped what they were doing to listen to the man.
[blank line here]

 “HEAR YE, HEAR YE THE KING AND QUEEN INVITE THE PEOPLE OF GOA TO JOIN THEM FOR A FEAST IN, HONOR OF THEIR PRINCESS LILA BEING BORN. THE DINNER WILL BE AT THE PALACE TOMORROW AT SEVEN O'CLOCK.”

The public roared in a cheerful laughter. Kismat noticed the people of this kingdom have had the same golden bronze shimmer skin as him, only

these folks have had chocolate brown eyes and the women wore red dots on their foreheads.
[blank line here]

There was another rumble, but this one was  from his stomach. he He spotted a peaceful window ledge that overlooked the sea. He plopped

onto the ledge, closed his eyes and started to think about his favorite meal: a pumpkin honey buttered roasted sandwich. and poof POOF, one showed

up. He took a bite out of it.  when Then his ears perked up and heard two boys chattering with each other.

“ When I go to the palace the king, and queen will see me and adopt me?.” said Kiran.

 “ You!? Why not me?” exclaimed  Kishore.

“I look more like royalty than you and I am the elder brother” boasted Kiran as he patted Kishore's mangled [tangled? matted? Mangled means broken, damaged.] black hair.

“You royalty!” chuckled Kishore “ The only thing you are the King of is milking the cows.”

A round portly woman draped in red silky fabric entered the room draped in red silky fabric. “ I have some bad news” she said.

I have to restate what PretzelGirl said: this needs to be proofread before posting. It is so filled with SPaG that it doesn't allow the reader to get into the story. Every few words, a clanker is thrown in that makes you stop. Maybe there are some websites with basic punctuation and formatting lessons. I cannot really comment on the content of the story at this point. Basic items like beginning a sentence with a capital letter and breaking run-on sentences that contain unrelated thoughts are important to editors.
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Lin

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2009, 10:33:18 AM »
May I suggest that as you are new to writing you read about how to write a novel or whatever genre you wish to specialise in.  Reading  about how to write is more important in the beginning than critique.  Only when you have got the idea of what is required then asking for help is very good indeed.  In a way if you haven't read about how to write you can make it ten times more difficult for yourself.  Its like trying to drive a car without tuition.

Try this

The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes - Jack M. Bickham

I hope this helps

Lin x x x x

super fly

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2009, 03:36:29 PM »
yes i know i have Punctuation, and Grammar issues. That''s why i don't post the whole thing and decide to post less then 200 words.

if the little piece i post, gets corrected then i go back and use the corrections through out the rest of the piece.

My main goal is to find out how it makes you feel and is it interesting????

I realize I am writing for little people but i still don't want little people to think my work is boring!!!!

so thank you for taking the time to read my work  ;D

and  Orangutansaver i will look into the book u suggested

Offline pb

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2009, 04:57:58 PM »
it is interesting and i would read on


Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2009, 06:54:10 AM »
At this point, though, people may correct your work and you'll go and fix the problems - but do you really understand the mechanics? That's what you need to learn first.
Everyone needs to start somewhere, but you mustn't skip this crucial step.
Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

Nordy

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Re: short snippet
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2009, 08:30:35 AM »
Super Fly,

The thing I noticed, apart from the above critiques, was the tense - are you writing in past or present?

If you aim your book at twelve year olds, then ten year old will be your readers. I would suggest this book
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0764537288/ref=ox_ya_oh_product The author is inspirational when writing for children.

Two months ago I started to write and was surprised at how shockingly poor may grammar was. Now I spend at least one hour a everyday on grammar work, and everyday I learn something new. It’s really helped my writing and my understanding of sentence structure, nouns, pronouns, verbs etc.

You can download some great E-books and if you go on You tube you can watch some tutorials.