My first attempt at modern verse

[Hugh]

her smile
grabbed my heart

white teeth
in cocoa face

naked
starving
dehydrated
dying

her hand
reached out
begging
for anything

I gave her
all I had
some water

her smile
broke my heart

[eric]

hear, hear!  good job.  never thought I'd see this!

[sideshunter]

good work, like it.

[Hugh]

Eric. Thank you, good Sir. Life’s full of surprises, eh? I’ll try just about anything once, and if it’s total dross, well…

And sideshunter, glad you approve. Thanks.

Hugh

[John Yamrus]

you need a stanza break after "heart" and "white"

[Hugh]

Thanks, John. Do you mean like this?

Her smile
grabbed my heart

white teeth
in cocoa face

[twisted wheel]

the more i come back and read this, the more i think you did an excellent job. like john's edit too. well done hugh.

[Hugh]

Thank you, daryl.

[DIZI]

Thought it was going to be a love poem until

naked
starving
dehydrated
dying

came into it and made me read on.
Good work!

[CCRP]

Read it several times, Hugh.

It makes me want to cry.
(And I don't cry. Ever.)

[Hugh]

Many thanks to all for your kind remarks. 

Leah, sorry if I made you want to cry. But glad, too. Beginner's luck?

Hugh 

[CCRP]

You shouldn't apologise for that, Hugh.
It means you did a great job. 

And no, I don't think beginner's luck.
Talented, more likely.

[herron]

No critique. Just wanted to say I like this. Which, in the long run, may be exactly the kind of critique we would all like to hear!
 

[Hugh]

Thanks, Herron. I don't know what I'm letting myself in for, venturing onto the poetry boards, as I know nothing of the technicalities of modern poetry. It's a long time since having to scan Ovid's verse, and learning the virtues of iambic pentameters.

Hugh

[herron]

It can be brutal, at times, Hugh. But I think, in the end, good writing that provokes thought and emotion will prevail over the techno geeks who 'think' they know what to tell us all about poetry.

And I liked yours.