Author Topic: My first attempt at modern verse  (Read 11098 times)

Offline Hugh

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My first attempt at modern verse
« on: November 29, 2009, 09:54:27 AM »
her smile
grabbed my heart

white teeth
in cocoa face

naked
starving
dehydrated
dying

her hand
reached out
begging
for anything

I gave her
all I had
some water

her smile
broke my heart




« Last Edit: December 02, 2009, 05:27:42 AM by Hugh »

Offline eric

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2009, 10:32:29 AM »
hear, hear!  good job.  never thought I'd see this!

Offline sideshunter

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2009, 06:28:43 AM »
good work, like it.
The person dancing is deemed mad by everyone who can't hear the music.

Offline Hugh

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2009, 06:45:44 AM »
Eric. Thank you, good Sir. Lifes full of surprises, eh? Ill try just about anything once, and if its total dross, well

And sideshunter, glad you approve. Thanks.

Hugh

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2009, 02:05:39 PM »
you need a stanza break after "heart" and "white"
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline Hugh

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2009, 02:14:28 PM »
Thanks, John. Do you mean like this?

Her smile
grabbed my heart

white teeth
in cocoa face

twisted wheel

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2009, 02:17:03 PM »
the more i come back and read this, the more i think you did an excellent job. like john's edit too. well done hugh. 8)

Offline Hugh

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2009, 03:46:37 PM »
Thank you, daryl.

Offline DIZI

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2009, 06:19:35 PM »
Thought it was going to be a love poem until

naked
starving
dehydrated
dying

came into it and made me read on.
Good work!

CCRP

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2009, 06:47:03 PM »
Read it several times, Hugh.

It makes me want to cry.
(And I don't cry. Ever.)

Offline Hugh

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2009, 06:08:06 AM »
Many thanks to all for your kind remarks. 

Leah, sorry if I made you want to cry. But glad, too. Beginner's luck?

Hugh 

CCRP

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2009, 06:12:43 AM »
You shouldn't apologise for that, Hugh.
It means you did a great job.  :)

And no, I don't think beginner's luck.
Talented, more likely.

Offline herron

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2009, 09:00:18 PM »
No critique. Just wanted to say I like this. Which, in the long run, may be exactly the kind of critique we would all like to hear!
  ;)
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Offline Hugh

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2009, 05:48:37 AM »
Thanks, Herron. I don't know what I'm letting myself in for, venturing onto the poetry boards, as I know nothing of the technicalities of modern poetry. It's a long time since having to scan Ovid's verse, and learning the virtues of iambic pentameters.

Hugh

Offline herron

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Re: My first attempt at modern verse
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2009, 07:19:38 AM »
It can be brutal, at times, Hugh. But I think, in the end, good writing that provokes thought and emotion will prevail over the techno geeks who 'think' they know what to tell us all about poetry.

And I liked yours.
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