Author Topic: A cross on the horizon (please give your opinon)  (Read 1672 times)

Offline Saphía

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A cross on the horizon (please give your opinon)
« on: May 29, 2006, 10:28:07 AM »
A cross on the horizon

There's a cross on the horizon
It holds majesty and hope
From it hangs the body of beauty
Suffering for the sake of love.
There's a cross on the horizon
A man who proclaims God
the unplenishable sacrifice
offering itself in love.
Look to the man on the horizon
As he hangs on calvary's tree
He dies with pain and humility
A death that belongs to me.


I dug out a beggining part to this poem which i wrote months ago, I decided to finish it. What do you think? I would really apreciate any comments on this.
Saphía
« Last Edit: May 30, 2006, 07:48:04 AM by Saphía »

wizard7wolf

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Re: A cross on the horizon (please give your opinon)
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2006, 12:40:23 AM »
Thats great I like it.
It reminds me what life is all about!

I got a picture in my head of Jesus on the hill with the sun setting behind.

Keep up the good work.

Ps. I leave work half done all the time, only to finnish it months or years later

sjreed56

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Re: A cross on the horizon (please give your opinon)
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2006, 01:58:50 AM »
Saphia,
     Your poetry always sounds like beautiful music. This is no exception. The rhythm works well and it reads smoothly.
     “Theres” should have a apostrophe in the first and fifth lines. “calverys tree” should be Calvary’s tree, which I’m sure you know.
     The last four line rhyme well. If you are looking to make that consistent, you might consider that in the second and fourth, and sixth and eighth lines. This is about the most I have critiqued someone and I could be way off. Perhaps someone else will chime in and perhaps that isn’t important.
     You have a beautiful mode of expression. I thoroughly enjoy your writing. ~ Sherry
« Last Edit: May 30, 2006, 02:00:26 AM by sjreed56 »