Author Topic: My Cellar Door  (Read 745 times)

Offline beattie25

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My Cellar Door
« on: November 17, 2009, 06:07:14 AM »
 It’s early morning late at night, I watch you sleeping your movement slight, your gentle breathing is the music in the darkest light, peaceful surrender and I think I might…

… kiss the morning when it finally comes, I could feast on this moment forever though it offers me only crumbs, you sigh in your dreams and my heart string strums, beating on my chest like a distant loving drums

Her name is my cellar door, the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever heard before, just thinking it makes me want to hear it forever more, her name, my cellar door

When you turn I follow your motion, a waking dream and I love the notion, in this quiet serenity my feelings cause a commotion, standing tall in the deepest ocean

Your tired eyes, pools of love, as they finally open, my obsession for you is momentarily broken, the whole world comes alive to echo the moment you have woken, your smile to me my most treasured token

Her name is my cellar door, the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever heard before, just thinking it makes me want to hear it forever more, her name, my cellar door

And your hand reaches out to take mine, holding it for a second, wanting it until the end of time, saying out loud for there’s no need to mime. ‘i love her’, ‘i love her’, a subtle kiss your only sign

But i know, I understand what this does mean, sometimes the simplest things aren’t as easy as they first seem, I’m sailing down the river as your taken by the stream, always good to know where your going but don’t forget where we’ve been

Her name is my cellar door, the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever heard before, just thinking it makes me want to hear it forever more, her name, my cellar door
« Last Edit: November 17, 2009, 06:11:11 AM by beattie25 »

Offline Amie

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Re: My Cellar Door
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2009, 02:22:42 PM »
Hi Beattie - welcome :)

You haven't told us anything about yourself, so I don't know what sort of crit you are looking for. I'm guessing you're a young person (but then maybe the 25 in your name means you're 25?)

This reads like song lyrics rather than poetry. In terms of poetry, it's rather clichéed and doesn't say very much (sorry). First suggestion would be to read lots and lots of poetry - new stuff, old stuff, contemporary ground-breaking stuff - so you get a better idea of what the state of the art is. It might give you some ideas as well, for new topics to explore, techniques and so on. But first step is reading I think.
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka