Author Topic: a chapter that may lead to something - 754 words  (Read 760 times)

snickersnation

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a chapter that may lead to something - 754 words
« on: November 25, 2009, 08:16:40 PM »
I met Christian on the steps of an old apartment building. It was a few days after the end of fifth grade. I’d seen him there before; I just didn’t know who he was.
   He always sat on the steps coming from the back door of the building, which was on the road to my neighborhood. We saw him there every day after school, wearing an old hoodie that came over his head, covering his face partly. His clothes were dark and his skin was too. But I think that it was his simple consistency that one day got Caleb to mention this to Dad.
   Dad is probably one of the nicest guys out there you can meet, maybe even a little too caring. He had a good education and he wouldn’t cuss for his life. This made me surprised, even wary at his response.
   “Probably sells drugs,” he said.
   Caleb and I looked at each other. Caleb is two years older than me, and so he had already been going to middle school the year before. There had been a sort of drug bust, and the middle school principal had been charged with selling to kids.
   It appeared that a kid who knew about it had told someone else. It must have been passed around a while, in the most private whispered conversations. But somewhere along the road, there was a kid who was brave enough to tell their parents. The parents informed the police, who arrested the principal.
   It wasn’t long before the whole town knew. The parents worried. The office ladies gossiped, quietly but excitedly confiding the names of those they believed to be involved, the Hopes and Clements and Lefevres. The students simply tried to understand the impact of what had happened.
   “Well, I hope not,” Dad said quickly.
   He drove in silence the rest of the way home, but I hadn’t forgotten his words. They kept coming back to me the rest of the day, and then the week, and then the next three. I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind.
   I guess it was a little reckless of me to do what I did. It was about thirty days after Caleb had mentioned the boy on the steps to Dad. Dad was taking Caleb to a piano lesson, and they said they’d be gone for an hour and a half. I waited for ten minutes after they left in case they came back because they’d forgotten something.
   I snuck out of the house. I’ve always been tall, and with my dark clothes I gave a foreboding look. I wanted this, hoping that it might help. I was still a little nervous about what I was doing.
   I walked quickly through my neighborhood and out onto the street. I wasn’t surprised at not passing anyone until I reached the apartment building. You didn’t usually see many people around there.
   As I neared the building, I slowed down to a slower walk. I kept my head down until I was only a few yards away, and then looked up. I saw Christian sitting there on the steps. He was grinning at me.
   “Hey Kayla,” he said jovially.
   I nearly jumped in fright. Christian just laughed.
   “So what are you doing?” he asked.
   “Walking,” I mutter.
   “Doesn’t look like it.”
   I hurried to walk so quickly I tripped over my own feet. Christian grinned, and I turned to walk away again.
   “Hey, I like your shoes,” he said.
   I turned back to him, surprised.
   “Wanna sit?” he asked.
   “No,” I said.
   Christian laughed.
   “So where are you going, then?”
   “Nowhere.” To tell the truth, I still wasn’t sure why I had come.
   “Hey, what’s it like there?”
   “Cold. Tumbleweed’s always goin’ by, y’know-” and I blow air out of my mouth, holding up my right arm and moving it up and down, left.
   He smiled. “I can only imagine.”
   I laugh though nothing especially amusing is happening.
   “So you’re sure you don’t want to sit?”
   “I’m fine,” I say. There’s a slight pause, and then I ask, “So why are you here?”
   “I’m waiting for my brother.”
   “Oh,” I say nodding, “I’m just wasting some time while mine’s at a piano lesson.”
   “Piano?”
   “Hey, it’s him who does it, not me.”
   “Okay,” he said, and we were both silent for a moment.
   “So are you gonna introduce yourself?” I ask.
   The boy leaned forward, holding out his hand. “I’m Christian Lefevre.”
   “Nice to meet you, Christian. I’m Kayla Imesen.”




I know there's a lot to dislike about this, so I'm asking for your honest opinion.
What parts were the worst?
How painful were they to read?
Were there any mistakes I made repeatedly?
Were there any words that were misused?
Are there any problems that made this a lot worse than it could have been?
Does this have hope?

Thanks.

Wolfe

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Re: a chapter that may lead to something - 754 words
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2009, 09:15:20 PM »
Same question as before: how much time did you take to edit this?

Wolfe

Offline psyche

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Re: a chapter that may lead to something - 754 words
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2009, 11:18:32 AM »
If you know there is a lot to dislike, why post it? It is plainly in need of some simple editing for flow and consistency. As far as having hope, I have no idea from this selection. I would think that depends on your level of commitment to it.





If music be the food of love, play on" ~ Shakespeare

http://psychedelicate.wordpress.com/

Wolfe

  • Guest
Re: a chapter that may lead to something - 754 words
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2009, 01:56:54 AM »
Well, I guess since you deleted your account, that answers my questions.

Wolfe