Author Topic: Hunters (450 Wds) *Warning* Kind of Graphic  (Read 751 times)

Offline scotty511

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Hunters (450 Wds) *Warning* Kind of Graphic
« on: November 26, 2009, 10:45:11 AM »
If this is a little rough to read, I apologize. I hope it redeems itself by the end. Tell me your thoughts- Scotty

The forest drank up light like a parched animal, leaving sparse ribbons for Maxine to see by. Still, she ran. Rough branches tattooed her arms with puffy scratches and welts. She gave them no notice. She stopped and listened. A rush of cracking wood and grunts crescendoed behind her. Dropping to the ground, she pulled her knees up to her chest and willed herself away. And she was.
   

Floating above the scene, she watched the hunters stumble upon her body. They poked and kicked her. She didn't move. The leader, or at least the one with the most feathers in his shiny black hair, picked up her limp body and threw it over a log. He removed his loincloth and violated her. He finished and the rest of the group took their turns. Blood ran down the backs of her legs. At last, the youngest one, barely a man, got his chance. He finished almost as soon as he started. Everyone clapped and laughed.
   

Someone handed the boy a spear and pushed him towards Maxine's body. He looked confused at first, but then a look of glee lit his face. Apparently, it was a big honor. He held up the spear with two hands just above the middle of her back.
   

All of this she witnessed from above. She felt sick. A presence made itself known to her. High in a tree, a jaguar watched. She felt his heart go out to her. He gathered her up in his spirit and made them one. With all the noise of a lover's whisper, they slipped from the tree and fell upon the boy. Their fangs sunk into the boy's neck, through stringy veins and finally into his carotid artery. Blood sprayed from him with the same urgency as his previous lust.
   

The jaguar fell to the ground and spun towards the leader. The hunter backed up and lowered his spear. The jaguar feinted to the left and the leader jabbed his spear hard in the same direction. Easily switching his course, the jaguar bobbed to the right then sprung as the man's spear extended the wrong way. One bite from his powerful jaws ended the leader's life.
   

The rest of the hunting party scattered like mist. Together, Maxine and the jaguar walked over to Maxine's body. He offered her a choice. "Return to your form and leave this forest, or, remain with me and hunt."
   

Maxine looked at her frail, used body. She felt strength surging through the jaguar's heart. She gave him her answer. Together, they leaned over Maxine's body and ripped out her throat. They fed, sustaining themselves until the next hunt.
« Last Edit: November 26, 2009, 12:39:46 PM by scotty511 »
Like all writers, he measured the achievements of others by what they had accomplished, asking of them that they measure him by what he envisaged or planned. - Borges

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Hunters (450 Wds) *Warning* Kind of Graphic
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2009, 01:27:13 PM »
Wow that caught me off guard. good for you. Yes it was a bit rough in subject but you pulled it off in my opinion.
The story was moving right along and I had a good feel for the magic and jungle the feel of the barbaric gang, if you will.
Then you used, "carotid artery" and instantly yanked me back to modern day medical jargon.

All in all you got my attention quickly.  ;D

Skip

Offline Hugh

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Re: Hunters (450 Wds) *Warning* Kind of Graphic
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2009, 03:07:27 PM »
If I liked this sort of thing, I’d say it was terrific … well, I suppose it is … but it depends how you interpret terrific.

I agree with Skip that “carotid artery” seems a bit out of place.

Instead of the way you wrote it — and I never try to re-write using my own words — could you, perhaps, simply remove some of yours?

"Their fangs sank into the boy’s neck, through stringy veins until, finally, blood sprayed from him with the same urgency as his previous lust."

Is she, perchance, a vampire?

Hugh

Offline Chandara5

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Re: Hunters (450 Wds) *Warning* Kind of Graphic
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2009, 03:13:17 PM »
I agree with both Skip and Hugh.  The end did take me by surprise.  Short and to the point.  Good job. ;D
Elizabeth Arroyo
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