Author Topic: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)  (Read 1851 times)

Offline Plain_Jane

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Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« on: November 08, 2009, 06:37:06 PM »
Hey all! I've posted versions of this chapter before, and I'm back again. I'm open to any criticism you would like to give, but I do have a particular question in mind. Because of the nature of the question, I'll post it at the end. I have thick skin, so feel free to point out anything that you catch. I'm more interested in if you find it interesting and would like to read more, than I am in grammar. However, my grammar isn't perfect, so if you like to nitpick, go right ahead.  :)


    What was he doing? I stared towards the playground and watched. Was that boy really going to skateboard down the corkscrew slide?

   “Taaay-sha, you rock!” Sydney’s scream broke my concentration. Well, lack of concentration. Since I was in the middle of a soccer game, I should probably be more focused on the ball than some random guy on the playground.

   I turned and couldn’t help but smile as Tasia give a thumbs-up to our goalie. Sydney and Tasia were my two closest friends. As stopper, sweeper, and goalie, we lined the field, functioning as a “Triple Threat” to the other team. At least, that’s what everyone always called us. Tasia, so quiet and reserved off the field, was our first line of defense and she had nailed the ball all the way to the other side, leaving the other team’s offense retreating.

   Knowing it would be a little bit before I was needed, I shifted my attention back to the boy.

   Where did he go?

   Oh, there he was. He was performing tricks in the parking lot now. I had never found skateboarding interesting before, but something about this boy was mesmerizing. And terrifying.    

   Screams rang out on the field and the skateboarder turned his head in our direction. I flipped my face away from him. His gaze gave me a feeling of indecency, like I had been caught spying on two people kissing.

   Before I could give him any more thought, I tried to decide which team was cheering.

   Ours. Awesome. We must have scored.

   “Nice job, you guys. Way to get it done!” Sydney yelled loud enough that I’m sure the opposing keeper heard her just fine.

   “Hey, how long do you think we have?” I approached Sydney, getting back into position.

   “A minute, maybe less. Why?” She scrutinized my face, “You okay?”

   No. “I’ll last.”

   Sydney frowned.

   I turned around, hunching over onto my knees. I needed to get off this field. Not having any subs sucked.

   “Mel?”

   I waved Sydney off. I’d make it another minute.

   Sure enough, seconds after the game resumed, the final whistle blew. While most of my teammates huddled and gave each other high-fives, I marched to my Gatorade. I guzzled the first half of the bottle before slumping to the ground. I hadn’t realized I was that low.

   I was vaguely aware that our team was lining up to shake hands with the other players. I vacillated between getting up and staying put until I heard Sydney call out, “Mellie, you better not get up or I’ll beat you.”

   That settled it then. I sprawled on the ground, waiting for the sugar to take effect. I had been diagnosed with juvenile diabetes when I was only six years old. Normally, it didn’t cause me much trouble. I had to prick my finger before every meal, often following up with an insulin shot. I also took a different kind of insulin before bed each night. Other than that, it was no big deal.

   I closed my eyes and relaxed. I had no immediate intentions of moving. That was, until Sydney jumped on me.

   “Ohhh!” The air rushed from my lungs like a slashed tire. “Syd,” I gasped. “Get off.”

   “Just making sure you were still alive, Mel,” she said as she sprang to her feet. She extended her arm in invitation. I grasped her hand and she yanked me up.

   “Next time, just ask. I’d gladly tell you I’m dead.”

   She smirked. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

   Sydney grabbed her water and my attention drifted back to the parking lot. There was no reason I should be searching out this guy, but I just had to know if he was still here. No luck. He must have left. Somehow, this didn’t make me feel any better.

   Tasia trudged toward us, water in hand. “How you doing?”

   “I’m fine. I just needed this.” I sloshed the Gatorade around.

   Sweat dripped down her cheek, plastering blonde locks to her face. “Coach wants to talk to us.” She pointed to a flat patch of grass behind the goalie net. “The team’s meeting over there.”

   I grabbed my drink and meter before we wandered over. I bounced between Sydney and Tasia as we walked, like a marble in a pinball machine. I liked to play up my symptoms. Make it all a joke. It made everyone else more comfortable. Noticing my grin, they started shoving me back and forth. We were laughing hysterically by the time we plopped to the ground with the rest of our team. We tried to stifle our giggles before the coach started.

   “Okay, girls, since this was our last game, I have shirts to hand out.”

   A quiet groan rumbled through the team. It was too hot to stay outside any longer. I had one free shirt from every soccer season I played since I was eight and I couldn’t remember anyone actually wearing the crappy things.

   Coach looked at the list and fumbled through the shirts.

   “Anastasia, Medium. That right?”

   My head jerked toward Tasia as she gave a quiet “Yes.” Although Tasia never reacted when you used her full name, I did. I’d been calling her Tasia since pre-school. It seemed odd and formal to use Anastasia. Plus, Tasia was such a unique nickname, anything so normal seemed out of place.

   “Hey,” Sydney whispered. “Do you think that guy is staring at me?”

   Leave it to Sydney to notice the one high school-aged boy within a mile radius. Well, the only boy since the skateboarder left.

   “Syd, I can barely see straight,” I exaggerated.

   She frowned at me before turning and giving a coy smile to the stranger.

   “He smiled back,” Tasia said.

   I refused to get caught up in Sydney’s little game. Instead, I scanned the parents who were waiting for the meeting to end and the opportunity to get away from this heat.

   Of course, mine weren’t there. Working, naturally.

   “What about you, Sydney, did you decide on Large or Extra Large?”

   She hesitated before responding. “I think I’ll go with the Large.” Then quieter, so only Tasia and I could hear, “It makes my boobs look bigger.”

   “As if you need that.” Sydney was one of the first girls in our grade to develop breasts. She had to be a full C, if not a D by now, and she was quite proud of them. She had a thicker frame than Tasia or I, but appealing curves and the most beautiful face:  her olive complexion was completely clear. As if that wasn’t enough, she had stunning green eyes, both deep and bright.

   “Melanie, Small.” Our coach looked around when I didn’t answer. “Melanie?”

   “Um, yeah. Sorry. Small’s fine.”

   He threw a shirt at me and I completely missed it. My reaction time was not what it should be. Tasia got the shirt for me, while I pulled out my meter and checked my glucose level. Seventy-eight. I was getting there. I would need to eat something when I got home, though.

   “All right, girls, enjoy the rest of the summer.”

   Sydney wiggled her fingers through her dark bangs repeatedly. With little effort, she was able to make them fall at the right angle to hide her eyes just enough to make someone curious.

   “I’m gonna go talk to him. Do I look ok?”

   I stared at her for a moment. “I hate you.”

   “Thanks,” she beamed, before walking away.

   I grunted good-bye to Tasia, then forced my stiff legs towards the parking lot. It was a feeble hope that one of my parents would be in the car, too comfortable in the air conditioning to join the other parents on the field. I searched the lot twice before giving up. No car in sight. Fabulous.

   I didn’t live far from the field, but I wasn’t in the mood to walk.

   “Hey.” I turned around and called a little louder. “Taysh! Can I get a ride home with you?”

   “Yeah, no problem.”

   I strode over to the familiar minivan. “Thanks, Mrs. Bilik. I’m sure my parents just forgot which night it was.”

   “Sure thing, Melanie.” Behind her words, I sensed agitation. I could only guess that her pursed lips were aimed, not at me, but my parents. I couldn’t blame her. These days, they spent too much effort hating each other to have time to care about me.

   Still unsteady on my feet, I stumbled into the seat next to Tasia, letting her younger brother, Dimitri, have the front.

   As we pulled out of the parking lot, Mrs. Bilik asked, “You sure you feel alright? You look a little pale.”

   “I’m always pale.” It was true. Red hair often meant pale skin covered in freckles. Even so, I turned toward Tasia, raising one eyebrow. She shrugged. I must not look that bad.

   I stared out the window, watching the houses pass as Mrs. Bilik pulled into our track.

   “You’ve got a hair.” Tasia poked her right cheek near her mouth.

   I peeled the wavy strand away from my mouth and secured it behind my ear. My dad used to joke that he could spill Cheeto crumbs in my hair and no one would notice. I wondered if I would have been less adverse to hair in my mouth if it was sprinkled with Cheeto powder.

   “Here you are, Mel.”

   “Thanks, Mrs. Bilik. See you later, Taysh.”

   I climbed from the vehicle and pulled the door shut. I waved as the minivan backed out of the driveway and down the street.

   I missed the days when Mrs. Bilik wouldn’t bother driving me to my house. I’d stay with Tasia for awhile, then walk through her backyard into my own. It was very convenient that our backyards touched, but less so now that my parents put a fence around our yard. Sure, I could hop it, but it just didn’t feel the same.

   Before I turned around and walked to my door, something caught my attention. A boy was skateboarding down my street. Could it be the same one? I strained to get a better look at him, trying not to be too obvious. Just as I was surveying his attire, he turned his head and our eyes locked.

   An inexplicable fear rushed through my body in that moment. My bones went rigid. I heard my heart pounding in my chest and felt the hair on my arms raise. I was uncomfortable in the same way I would be walking down a dark alley alone at night.

   But why?

   I was halfway up my driveway, safe from the street and any other danger. Yet, I couldn’t break the uneasiness that washed over me. I also couldn’t tear myself away from his gaze. Lucky for me, he turned his head to see where he was going.

   That was it. Just a moment of unexplained worry, then it was gone. It wasn’t as easy to shake off as it should have been. Away from his stare, I allowed my body to tremble.

   Who was that boy? He had to be my age, maybe a little older. He couldn’t be more than seventeen. Why did his stare seem so foreboding? He looked innocent enough. Nothing out of the ordinary. He definitely wouldn’t stand out in a crowd.

   Then why had I reacted that way?

   My internal questions were halted by the sound of a car door slamming. I realized I was standing stupidly in my driveway and headed for the house. I really hoped my parents were home. For some crazy reason, I didn’t want to be left alone right now.


Ok, previous criticisms I've received said that I was telling that the boy was strange/weird/etc rather than showing. Did I do a better job of showing this time? Thanks!

Nordy

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2009, 07:38:40 AM »
Hi Jane

Thanks for reading my work earlier.

The boy – You showed me he was trouble/crazy/daredevil from the first line.  I really got a feeling from Mel that she was intimidated by him but also curious. He’s definitely one to watch – has he just moved into the neighborhood? Just wondered if that was why she doesn't know him.

Would a 16/17 year old girl ‘survey attire’ or would she look at his clothes? Loved the lined about walking down a dark alley and a moment of unexplained worry.

Liked how you sneaked Mels description in there - very smooth. I thought Sydney’s was a bit clunky, but I got a good picture of her. What does Tasia look like, I got that she was smaller than Sydney. Maybe it's no biggy, it's just that you gave us description of Mel and Sydney.

Your voice is strong and I liked Mel right away, I really got a great sense of the bond she shares with Sydney and Tasia - great nickname. Her diabetes could you make how we find out about it smoother- drop little bits in here and there, do we need to know about the different insulin before bed? I loved how you described the symptoms - shaky legs, low sugar levels and needing something to eat right now. I'm not diabetic but have low blood sugar and you hit the nail on the head this.

Hope I wasn’t too picky – this is a great story with strong likeable characters and excellent visuals. I have a feeling the boy could be someone I would like by the end of the story.

I could almost hear cruel summer playing in the background at the soccer/football game. (I’m just showing my age now lol)

Is this a novel?

I'm interested to see how the title comes into play.

Offline Plain_Jane

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2009, 09:51:22 AM »
Thanks, Nordy!

You made some great points that I will have to go back and incorporate. I'm glad you got the sense of his danger and thought I showed instead of told. I want the reader to be creeped by him, not wanting to like him. Yes, he will become likeable at some point in my story, but it happens much, much later. Right now, I want the reader to be scared of him. More scariness comes in the next chapter. As well as the clairvoyance-y stuff. And yes, the clairvoyance in the next chapter has everything to do with this weirdo.  :)

Oh, and yes this the first chapter in a novel.

Thanks again!

Wolfe

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2009, 11:59:32 AM »
As always, my opinions focus on the work. They never reflect on you, your abilities as a writer, nor anything except the sample provided.

The opening lines failed to hook me into the story. It may work for a young adult audience, but it caused my eyes to wander the page for anything more exciting.

Telling still vexes the story in smaller bits. I'll address it, if you wish. But you sought specific feedback, so I'll keep this to the point.

Finally, you introduce five characters in what I'll assume the first five pages. That's too many, too soon. It fails to give the reader time to grasp the characters and sympathize. Slow down the introductions or at least beef up the interplay between the protagonist and each character one-on-one.

You grasp their personalities, but allow the reader time to grasp them as well.

Just my humble opinion.

Wolfe
« Last Edit: November 09, 2009, 12:09:28 PM by Wolfe »

Offline Plain_Jane

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2009, 02:21:07 PM »
Thanks, Wolfe. I really appreciate you taking the time to critique this. I'd love to hear more about where you think telling is a problem.

I agree with you on the introduction of the characters. I think I need to spend more one-on-one time with each of them in this chapter.

For now, I'm going to keep my opening the same because I have received good feedback on it from my target audience. I may alter it in the future if I can figure out something better.

Thanks again!

Wolfe

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2009, 03:49:21 PM »
No worries. ;)

I'll bold all the phrases where telling instead of showing occurs.



What was he doing? I stared towards the playground and watched. Was that boy really going to skateboard down the corkscrew slide?

“Taaay-sha, you rock!” Sydney’s scream broke my concentration. Well, lack of concentration. Since I was in the middle of a soccer game, I should probably be more focused on the ball than some random guy on the playground.

I turned and couldn’t help but smile as Tasia give a thumbs-up to our goalie. Sydney and Tasia were my two closest friends. As stopper, sweeper, and goalie, we lined the field, functioning as a “Triple Threat” to the other team. At least, that’s what everyone always called us. Tasia, so quiet and reserved off the field, was our first line of defense and she had nailed the ball all the way to the other side, leaving the other team’s offense retreating.

Knowing it would be a little bit before I was needed, I shifted my attention back to the boy.

Where did he go?

Oh, there he was. He was performing tricks in the parking lot now. I had never found skateboarding interesting before, but something about this boy was mesmerizing. And terrifying.    

Screams rang out on the field and the skateboarder turned his head in our direction. I flipped my face away from him. His gaze gave me a feeling of indecency, like I had been caught spying on two people kissing.

Before I could give him any more thought, I tried to decide which team was cheering.

Ours. Awesome. We must have scored.

“Nice job, you guys. Way to get it done!” Sydney yelled loud enough that I’m sure the opposing keeper heard her just fine.

“Hey, how long do you think we have?” I approached Sydney, getting back into position.

“A minute, maybe less. Why?” She scrutinized my face, “You okay?”

No. “I’ll last.”

Sydney frowned.

I turned around, hunching over onto my knees. I needed to get off this field. Not having any subs sucked.

“Mel?”

I waved Sydney off. I’d make it another minute.

Sure enough, seconds after the game resumed, the final whistle blew. While most of my teammates huddled and gave each other high-fives, I marched to my Gatorade. I guzzled the first half of the bottle before slumping to the ground. I hadn’t realized I was that low.

I was vaguely aware that our team was lining up to shake hands with the other players. I vacillated between getting up and staying put until I heard Sydney call out, “Mellie, you better not get up or I’ll beat you.”

That settled it then. I sprawled on the ground, waiting for the sugar to take effect. I had been diagnosed with juvenile diabetes when I was only six years old. Normally, it didn’t cause me much trouble. I had to prick my finger before every meal, often following up with an insulin shot. I also took a different kind of insulin before bed each night. Other than that, it was no big deal.

I closed my eyes and relaxed. I had no immediate intentions of moving. That was, until Sydney jumped on me.

“Ohhh!” The air rushed from my lungs like a slashed tire. “Syd,” I gasped. “Get off.”

“Just making sure you were still alive, Mel,” she said as she sprang to her feet. She extended her arm in invitation. I grasped her hand and she yanked me up.

“Next time, just ask. I’d gladly tell you I’m dead.”

She smirked. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Sydney grabbed her water and my attention drifted back to the parking lot. There was no reason I should be searching out this guy, but I just had to know if he was still here. No luck. He must have left. Somehow, this didn’t make me feel any better.

Tasia trudged toward us, water in hand. “How you doing?”

“I’m fine. I just needed this.” I sloshed the Gatorade around.

Sweat dripped down her cheek, plastering blonde locks to her face. “Coach wants to talk to us.” She pointed to a flat patch of grass behind the goalie net. “The team’s meeting over there.”

I grabbed my drink and meter before we wandered over. I bounced between Sydney and Tasia as we walked, like a marble in a pinball machine. I liked to play up my symptoms. Make it all a joke. It made everyone else more comfortable. Noticing my grin, they started shoving me back and forth. We were laughing hysterically by the time we plopped to the ground with the rest of our team. We tried to stifle our giggles before the coach started.

“Okay, girls, since this was our last game, I have shirts to hand out.”

A quiet groan rumbled through the team. It was too hot to stay outside any longer. I had one free shirt from every soccer season I played since I was eight and I couldn’t remember anyone actually wearing the crappy things.

Coach looked at the list and fumbled through the shirts.

“Anastasia, Medium. That right?”

My head jerked toward Tasia as she gave a quiet “Yes.” Although Tasia never reacted when you used her full name, I did. I’d been calling her Tasia since pre-school. It seemed odd and formal to use Anastasia. Plus, Tasia was such a unique nickname, anything so normal seemed out of place.

“Hey,” Sydney whispered. “Do you think that guy is staring at me?”

Leave it to Sydney to notice the one high school-aged boy within a mile radius. Well, the only boy since the skateboarder left.

“Syd, I can barely see straight,” I exaggerated.

She frowned at me before turning and giving a coy smile to the stranger.

“He smiled back,” Tasia said.

I refused to get caught up in Sydney’s little game. Instead, I scanned the parents who were waiting for the meeting to end and the opportunity to get away from this heat.

Of course, mine weren’t there. Working, naturally.

“What about you, Sydney, did you decide on Large or Extra Large?”

She hesitated before responding. “I think I’ll go with the Large.” Then quieter, so only Tasia and I could hear, “It makes my boobs look bigger.”

“As if you need that.” Sydney was one of the first girls in our grade to develop breasts. She had to be a full C, if not a D by now, and she was quite proud of them. She had a thicker frame than Tasia or I, but appealing curves and the most beautiful face:  her olive complexion was completely clear. As if that wasn’t enough, she had stunning green eyes, both deep and bright.

“Melanie, Small.” Our coach looked around when I didn’t answer. “Melanie?”

“Um, yeah. Sorry. Small’s fine.”

He threw a shirt at me and I completely missed it. My reaction time was not what it should be. Tasia got the shirt for me, while I pulled out my meter and checked my glucose level. Seventy-eight. I was getting there. I would need to eat something when I got home, though.

“All right, girls, enjoy the rest of the summer.”

Sydney wiggled her fingers through her dark bangs repeatedly. With little effort, she was able to make them fall at the right angle to hide her eyes just enough to make someone curious.

“I’m gonna go talk to him. Do I look ok?”

I stared at her for a moment. “I hate you.”

“Thanks,” she beamed, before walking away.

I grunted good-bye to Tasia, then forced my stiff legs towards the parking lot. It was a feeble hope that one of my parents would be in the car, too comfortable in the air conditioning to join the other parents on the field. I searched the lot twice before giving up. No car in sight. Fabulous.

I didn’t live far from the field, but I wasn’t in the mood to walk.

“Hey.” I turned around and called a little louder. “Taysh! Can I get a ride home with you?”

“Yeah, no problem.”

I strode over to the familiar minivan. “Thanks, Mrs. Bilik. I’m sure my parents just forgot which night it was.”

“Sure thing, Melanie.” Behind her words, I sensed agitation. I could only guess that her pursed lips were aimed, not at me, but my parents. I couldn’t blame her. These days, they spent too much effort hating each other to have time to care about me.

Still unsteady on my feet, I stumbled into the seat next to Tasia, letting her younger brother, Dimitri, have the front.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, Mrs. Bilik asked, “You sure you feel alright? You look a little pale.”

“I’m always pale.” It was true. Red hair often meant pale skin covered in freckles. Even so, I turned toward Tasia, raising one eyebrow. She shrugged. I must not look that bad.

I stared out the window, watching the houses pass as Mrs. Bilik pulled into our track.

“You’ve got a hair.” Tasia poked her right cheek near her mouth.

I peeled the wavy strand away from my mouth and secured it behind my ear. My dad used to joke that he could spill Cheeto crumbs in my hair and no one would notice. I wondered if I would have been less adverse to hair in my mouth if it was sprinkled with Cheeto powder.

“Here you are, Mel.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Bilik. See you later, Taysh.”

I climbed from the vehicle and pulled the door shut. I waved as the minivan backed out of the driveway and down the street.

I missed the days when Mrs. Bilik wouldn’t bother driving me to my house. I’d stay with Tasia for awhile, then walk through her backyard into my own. It was very convenient that our backyards touched, but less so now that my parents put a fence around our yard. Sure, I could hop it, but it just didn’t feel the same.

Before I turned around and walked to my door, something caught my attention. A boy was skateboarding down my street. Could it be the same one? I strained to get a better look at him, trying not to be too obvious. Just as I was surveying his attire, he turned his head and our eyes locked.

An inexplicable fear rushed through my body in that moment. My bones went rigid. I heard my heart pounding in my chest and felt the hair on my arms raise. I was uncomfortable in the same way I would be walking down a dark alley alone at night.

But why?

I was halfway up my driveway, safe from the street and any other danger. Yet, I couldn’t break the uneasiness that washed over me. I also couldn’t tear myself away from his gaze. Lucky for me, he turned his head to see where he was going.

That was it. Just a moment of unexplained worry, then it was gone. It wasn’t as easy to shake off as it should have been. Away from his stare, I allowed my body to tremble.

Who was that boy? He had to be my age, maybe a little older. He couldn’t be more than seventeen. Why did his stare seem so foreboding? He looked innocent enough. Nothing out of the ordinary. He definitely wouldn’t stand out in a crowd.

Then why had I reacted that way?

My internal questions were halted by the sound of a car door slamming. I realized I was standing stupidly in my driveway and headed for the house. I really hoped my parents were home. For some crazy reason, I didn’t want to be left alone right now.



The test for telling versus showing is: if the reader fails to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel it through imagery . . . it's telling.

Wolfe

Offline Plain_Jane

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2009, 07:30:10 PM »
Thank you so much, Wolfe. That is fantastic. I will definitely go through those bolded statements and make some changes.

Also, I think I'm going to have a different opening chapter. Earlier today, I had an idea of how I can start with more of a hook that introduces less characters and focuses on the more important ones. I think this chapter may be a good chapter 2 (with edits, of course).

You have been a huge help. Thanks!

Offline Xerika

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2009, 09:17:31 PM »
I'm not sure why I picked this out to comment on as:

a) I'm an old bloke and know nothing about YA;

b) 2,000 words is a lot to read for an old bloke with the attention span of an ageing goldfish.

However, I noticed that Wolfe had commented and his critiques are always worth reading even though he still won't tell us his real identity.  ;D

Having clicked the link, I read on. It wasn't so much that I was grabbed from the start (as others and you yourself have said), but rather that you clearly have a gift for writing. Not only that, but it's good to see a piece where someone really knows their grammar, punctuation, etc. Okay, I didn't give it a close read, but I don't think I spotted a single typo either.

It's also interesting that you specifically asked about the 'show v. tell' thing as I have a problem with that myself for a number of reasons which I won't bore you (or anyone else) with. Wolfe gave you a detailed critique in that department and I understand most of what he says, but I'm not sure why, for example, Tasia give a thumbs-up to our goalie is telling and not showing.

If Wolfe happens to pass this way again, I hope I'll be enlightened. I really do need it.  ???
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Wolfe

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2009, 11:33:05 PM »
Any time you use the words 'give' or 'gave', consider it telling even if it appears otherwise. Give or gave signals a weak verb as well.

For example, She gave me a dirty look. (telling disgust)

For example, He gave a snort in disgust. (telling disgust)

For example, They gave each other high-fives. (telling excitement)

Now watch.

She curled her nose and turned from me. (showing disgust)

He snorted, nose furrowed.  (showing disgust)

They high-fived each other. (showing excitement)


Make sense?

Wolfe

Offline Plain_Jane

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #9 on: November 11, 2009, 12:44:08 AM »
Xerika, I am so glad you enjoyed reading this chapter. I appreciate you asking for clarification on the show vs. tell, because I hadn't even thought of that question, and it's a good one. Thanks, Wolfe, for further explanation.

Offline Xerika

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Re: Clairvoyance, Chapter 1 (YA, 2000 words)
« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2009, 01:30:50 PM »
Make sense?

Yes, it does. Thank you for the explanation, Wolfe. Mind you, I think that Tasia thumbed-up our goalie might sound a bit odd.  ;)

Plain_Jane. You're welcome. I'm glad you didn't mind me butting in.  :)
http://rob-johnson.org.uk/ - writing, podcasting and reluctant olive farming

"I'd Rather Eat My Own Face" podcast. The truth about olive harvesting. http://wp.me/p2bC2C-8U

"If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it." - Elmore Leonard