Author Topic: Dying Wishes  (Read 1257 times)

Offline mickward

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Dying Wishes
« on: May 27, 2006, 03:47:33 AM »

When you look at me the way you do
I want to swim forever in your eyes
Luxuriating in their honest warmth
Until the last beat of my heart dies

When you speak to me in your way
That symphony of honeyed tones
I want to listen to your symphony
Until the ground accepts my bones

When you touch my body lovingly
With hands that exert such spells
I yearn to feel your touch forever
Until I'm called by heaven's bells

When I get so close to your body
That I smell your fragrant scent
I desire to make full my senses
Before my final breath is spent

When you touch me so tenderly
The way that only you can do
I long to keep that tingle I feel
Until my life's work is through






Offline Symphony

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Re: Dying Wishes
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2006, 07:45:27 AM »
Hello there,

Just browsing through the latest submissions here. I thoroughly enjoyed this and think it has wonderful potential. I love the idea of the five sense - although I'm missing 'taste' - I think you should have that in there because the other sense are all 'thoroughly' explored here and this one is quite obviously 'missing', if you know what I mean.

I'd love to see a little more consistency in the rhythm. It wouldn't take too much work - just a little playing around - to have your own rhythm consistent in each verse. I think it bothers me because in each verse it's very 'nearly' right - and for me, it's better to be either purposely completely off with no rhythm at all - than to be 'almost there'!! I find this quite frustrating. For example, if you look at the final line in each verse ...

Until the last beat of my heart dies
Until the ground accepts my bones
Until I'm called by heaven's bells
Before my final breath is spent
Until my life's work is through

The three middle ones are just so easy to read - and flow so well .. because the meter is there. The first one has one 'stress' too many - and the last line one too few (Until my whole life's work is through - for example - reads already with a lot more 'flow') You can just about get away with the first one - taking a lot of licence

Does this make sense? It's just a suggestion - and you're more than welcome to hate it - but I'd do the same with all the lines in this poem. The whole 'atmosphere' is so lovely I think it's worth it. And I don't mean making all the lines the same - because then it wouldn't be 'yours'! I mean that all the first lines should have the same rhythm, and all the second lines, and all the thirds - that way, you maintain your own style and form ...

Anyway - please feel free to trash this immediately! I won't cry!  :'(  Honest! lol

Some really lovely thoughts and pictures here - it's very honest and its sincerity shines through all the way.

Symphony
 :D
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