Dark Poem for Halloween

["lorraineofkeli"]

Don't know what to call it, but here's what I "conjured" up.

demonic, hellish, eerie and supreme
lurking in secret; yet to be seen
lie sleeping.
 then breathless, you wake streaming with sweat
for the night weeping creeper reaps in your debt

the grass in your yard is utilised with skill
for the long blades of grass keep it hidden.
yet still...
no escaping the screeching screaming,
the blood enfused leaking and gaping hole
The dim shredded shapeless abyss that is it's mouth

enveloping your heart as it thumps and pounds
until squeezing it hard,
you discover you're bound
and trapped by those secrets this creeper since found.

your debt is now paid
you lie dead not asleep
for the monster that hid there takes neither trick nor treat.
instead it has eaten and your bile remains -
its sauce for its pudding - your eternal pains.

[Malfesto]

I'm not too sure what to make of this one. At first I found it was a satirical piece about a baby screaming, but then I thought that if that was the case a lot of lines just wouldn't make sense...

I think you've tried to do more beneath the hammer horror exterior. I'm just not sure what.

I'm glad that you're getting into the season's spirit though

[John Yamrus]

yikes!  i'm afraid this one's a bit of a mess.  right from the start it falls apart on you.  take a look at your first stanza:

demonic, hellish, eerie and supreme
lurking in secret; yet to be seen
lie sleeping.
 then breathless, you wake streaming with sweat
for the night weeping creeper reaps in your debt

a good way to see if your lines are making sense is to write it out as prose and take a look.  doing that, here's what your first 3 lines read like:

demonic, hellish, eerie and supreme lurking in secret; yet to be seen lie sleeping.

not much sense there, huh?  the same goes for lines 4 and 5:

then breathless, you wake streaming with sweat for the night weeping creeper reaps in your debt

it only goes downhill from there.  i'd scrap this one and try again.
thanks.
john