Author Topic: You scare me  (Read 1398 times)

Offline kilcotkoffi

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You scare me
« on: November 04, 2009, 02:33:36 AM »
You scare me

You scare me, excite me, theres not a way in which we don’t work,
Personality, fun, creativity, passionately, sexually.
You scare me.

Moments together scorched into my mind, setting fire to the desire within me,
The torch that burns simply brighter, like yellow,
All shades and tones, as if modes of transport through my mind,
It’s a trial by blaze and It scares me.

Sometimes I drift into space and long to be held by you,
Hold your hand, embrace you, kiss you,
The feeling of our lips touching and scars aligned,
Your touch on my neck and your sweet aroma,
Its like ecstasy and torture together, like fire and water,
You scare me.

Dark and light, deep, scattered like artwork representing our fate,
Its how I feel. Scattered but by no means broken,
Happy and intertwined, excited by life’s grey prospects,
You scare me

When I come to leave you our times become hard to push to the back of my mind,
Eating, dancing, sleeping, these simple other times had, that increase my wish for you,
Each moment considered without you, your smile, arms, dimples, makes me long to be held again,
Sometimes its erratic and there is a sense of danger, Yet I love it, I long for it,
But it is still these things that make me scared of you

Offline Biola

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Re: You scare me
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2009, 08:13:53 AM »
cor! blimey! :P
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Offline herron

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Re: You scare me
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2009, 11:15:25 AM »
A little rough in places, but intense. The last stanza, unfortunately, seems done at a different pace, like an afterthought ... but you certainly got my attention with the rest of it!
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Offline John Yamrus

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Re: You scare me
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2009, 04:19:31 PM »
A little rough in places,... 

ya think!  two things need to be worked on here...3 things, actually...
#1. stop putting caps at the beginning of each line.  it's outmoded and outdated.
#2.  learn how to punctuate.
#3.  think about what you're saying...don't just pay attention to how it sounds!  look at your first two lines...the way you've got them punctuated, they appear to be the same sentence...if so, it reads:

You scare me, excite me, theres not a way in which we don’t work, Personality, fun, creativity, passionately, sexually.

and that's absolute nonsense...and the way you're tying in "passionately, sexually", you're not fitting in with the phrasing you're using in the preceeding words.  THINK about what you want to say.  then think again.
john
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

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Offline Amie

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Re: You scare me
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2009, 04:27:29 PM »
I think the problems are even more basic than that - have a look at the sticky: http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7667.0

If this is for your partner, fabulous, he will love it! For anyone else though, there needs to be something interesting or different to interest a reader not involved in the love affair. The being scared is maybe a tiny bit different, but not much, and not enough.

The second thing is that it's very telly - first rule of writing, show, don't tell. Have a look at the sections on abstractions, generalisations, and clichés (oh, and also the section on writer as opposed to reader centred writing) in the sticky.

Hope that helps some :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline oxymoron

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Re: You scare me
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2009, 04:32:24 PM »
I don't understand why you use the phrase, 'you scare me' in almost every stanza but in the second one you have changed it to 'it scares me'  I found that taking away from the flow - which in of itself was a bit of a problem for me, consider your line breaks - they are very lengthy which takes me to a problem that is quite prevalent of being 'clear and concise' ( one that i sometimes have as well) - it would be better if you are less wordy and stick to the point.

but that being said, some very good images and wordings: "scars aligned" and some others. keep at it =)
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