Author Topic: He was such the Perfectionist  (Read 1084 times)

Offline 13Dianne

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He was such the Perfectionist
« on: October 31, 2009, 02:21:07 PM »
I just posted a poem but this is one that has reeeally been bothering me.
I love the concept but its really abstract and I want to change it I just don't know how.

Any comments would be great.

He Was Such The Perfectionist

He was such the perfectionist
that he couldn’t handle
Our world full of imperfections.

His shoes were too large
to walk the sidewalks of the very few
monuments that stood in our town.

He wanted to see the universe
in my eyes, but was only met
by my open blank stare.

He killed himself on a Tuesday
he said it was the most boring day
of the entire week.

No one goes out on Tuesday night
there’s no drinks after work
or keg stands or streaking.

Nothing to break up the monotony
like a thirsty Thursday or college night
or ladies night or beer pong.

Nothing is a dreary as being home alone
on a sunny Tuesday, with not even a rain drop
to fall and lay your fears on.

Not only was he found with an empty cup
and steady eyes, but his muscle at once
relaxed and molded to the carpet.

13 Dianne
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken" -Tyler Durden

13. Dianne

Offline Amie

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Re: He was such the Perfectionist
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2009, 02:53:43 PM »
This isn't actually that abstract - it just seems like it is, because your first three lines are very telly, and they set the expectation that the whole poem will be telly. If you get rid of those, and start with 'His shoes were too large' the poem is immediately improved IMO. With those three lines gone, I think it's a pretty good poem. Gotta run shortly, but may come back with a few more minor comments later :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka