Author Topic: i just now  (Read 3148 times)

Offline John Yamrus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2503
Re: i just now
« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2009, 02:47:45 PM »


'they teach me
total concentration
on a single task.'

is telling not showing.


i dunno.  you should see my pooch when she's totally absorbed in gnawing at her bone.  concentration.
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline gibberatu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
Re: i just now
« Reply #16 on: September 13, 2009, 07:15:25 PM »
i dunno.  you should see my pooch when she's totally absorbed in gnawing at her bone.  concentration.
Fair enough. I think there's 'telling' in other places, unless I'm all confused about showing and telling, but I don't think telling is always bad.

Offline eric

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10576
Re: i just now
« Reply #17 on: September 13, 2009, 07:53:27 PM »
My dog tells me that poem don't taste half bad smeared with pork fat.

Offline gibberatu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
Re: i just now
« Reply #18 on: September 14, 2009, 06:14:07 AM »
I could be fretting over parts when the poem works as a whole. And I don't have a dog to test it on.

Offline John Yamrus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2503
Re: i just now
« Reply #19 on: September 16, 2009, 03:43:28 PM »
slight revision.
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline Jade

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 802
Re: i just now
« Reply #20 on: September 16, 2009, 03:53:04 PM »
While I am on the topic... great use of line breaks.

If I'm permitted, I'd like to quote an example:

id sit them down
and tell them
exactly
what the dogs
do for me

 
the emphasis would have been completely different if done for example like this:

id sit them down
and tell them exactly
what the dogs
do for me

There are many more examples in this poem... but I'd rather not be arrogant...  ;)

Thanks John
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
Cyril Connolly

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." ~Mohandas Gandhi

Offline John Yamrus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2503
Re: i just now
« Reply #21 on: September 16, 2009, 03:56:33 PM »
i'm very proud of the fact that my line breaks help keep my poems as close to conversational as they can get.  i often have people who have heard me speak say that my poems "sound" just like me.  thank you!
john
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline John Yamrus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2503
Re: i just now
« Reply #22 on: September 20, 2009, 12:33:18 PM »
you'll have to excuse me...i'm bringing this back up as part of a discussion with Thatollie and White Lemur.  (god, i hate screen names!)
john
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline geopoet

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 120
  • Writing is viewing scenes of our vast imagination
    • Geopoet's Wanderlust Imagination
Re: i just now
« Reply #23 on: September 26, 2009, 04:59:00 AM »
You know guys, the poem is just as beautiful as it is.

Imagination really creeps to something new at the end of the line. This is one style I learn from JY.

Obedience to God's commandments is the highest form of worship.

http://www.wanderlustimagination.synthasite.com

Offline geopoet

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 120
  • Writing is viewing scenes of our vast imagination
    • Geopoet's Wanderlust Imagination
Re: i just now
« Reply #24 on: October 07, 2009, 05:35:56 PM »
wow! alluringly beautiful. I was caught.
Obedience to God's commandments is the highest form of worship.

http://www.wanderlustimagination.synthasite.com

Offline John Yamrus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2503
Re: i just now
« Reply #25 on: October 07, 2009, 08:26:57 PM »
wow! alluringly beautiful. I was caught.

once again...thank you.
jy
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline eric

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10576
Re: i just now
« Reply #26 on: October 07, 2009, 08:29:59 PM »
all i can say is, woof.

here's to a truly important poet and fine teacher.

Offline mouselady

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 619
Re: i just now
« Reply #27 on: October 08, 2009, 02:15:46 PM »
Quote from: Mark

If you change the title to

No one ever asks

You could skip straight to

you write a lot about
dogs.
why is that?


and IMO not lose a whole lot.

I agree with Mark.  
Listen to 'Book It!' for author interviews, book reviews, original stories, and more on the last Saturday of the month, 10 -11 am GMT, on Sine FM, 102.6 on your radio dial, or www.sinefm.com

My dark fantasy, "The Woodcutter's Son", is available on Amazon.

Blog: sheilanorth.wordpress.com