Author Topic: Light  (Read 2344 times)

Offline AlaskaJosh

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Light
« on: May 20, 2006, 11:06:45 PM »

    When caught and cornered and trapped without remorse
    There is only one option, one single recourse
    When beaten and broken and tortured in glee
    There is only one price, one single fee
    The blood must run thickly and quickly galore
    The insane silently plea, I want more, more and more!
    So run for your life, make all possible haste
    Show the good lord your life isn't a waste
    Screaming and running with with maniacle glee
    I finally realize the insane one is me!!


Hahaha that is fun to write. I would appreciate it if you read this you would tell me what kind of mental images it conjures. I am working on descriptions and I think it would help a lot thanks =).
   

Lin

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Re: Light
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2006, 03:17:01 AM »
I have to say I'm more of  poet than a fiction writer.   This one caught my eye.

I liked the punch line at the end but I wasnt sure about the line The blood must runs thickly and quickly galore

The word  GALORE for me is something nice  like Whisky Galore  Whisky in great quantity.   What you wrote is NOT incorrect.   Just in my mind things that are galore are usually nice things (not blood) in great quantity.   That's just me.  The thickly and quickly I thought is a make or break rhyming in the middle of a line - for some it could work really well and other people may think it spoils the line.   In my own way I think I liked it.

Lovely poem enjoyed it very much.

Lin




Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: Light
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2006, 03:36:57 PM »
I agree about 'galore' - it didn't quite fit (though it scans well).

images - someone turning round and round on the spot yelling at everyone!  no knife or blood-laden corpses, just a strong metaphor for frustration at the perceptions of reality.  Oh, and should Good Lord be initial capitals?

Carrie