Author Topic: A short poem  (Read 14769 times)

Offline alienauthor

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A short poem
« on: September 30, 2009, 05:20:08 PM »
My Children




Not a day goes by without me thinking of you

Not a day goes by without me wondering where you are

Not a day goes by without me longing to hug you

Not a day goes by without me hoping you’re okay



Not a day goes by without me praying your life is better

Not a day goes by without me wishing things could be different

Not a day goes by without me hoping you’ll understand

Not a day goes by without me sending my love to you



Not a day goes by without my heart breaking at least once

Not a day goes by without me imagining what you’re doing

Not a day goes by without me wishing I could share your memories

Not a day goes by without me holding you in my empty arms



Not a day goes by without me smiling on you

Not a day goes by without me believing in you

Not a day goes by without me wanting for you

Not a day goes by without me grasping hope for you

















Love an Adventure! Live an adventure!  Then write the damned thing!

Offline Tina

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2009, 06:34:22 PM »
Touching poem. Enjoyed reading it.

Offline buddingwriter

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2009, 06:53:27 PM »
Extremely moving poem. I ejoyed it very much. Keep up the fine wok.



buddingwriter

Offline alienauthor

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2009, 06:59:07 PM »
Thank you for the kind words Tina and Budding.  I haven't been able to see my children in over seven years, this was greatly inspired.  I would have prefered to do prose, I just couldn't find the words I needed. 8)
Love an Adventure! Live an adventure!  Then write the damned thing!

Offline Big T

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2009, 10:07:20 AM »
I'm moved!
T
Big T  :o

Offline harmony

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2009, 05:24:09 AM »
very touchy indeed.....

Lin

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2009, 07:45:14 AM »
I'm going to be like Craig Neville Horwood  on Strictly Come Dancing and be different in my critique.

Well done - BUT.  although this poem was moving I feel you could have written an equally moving poem with the same words but without the "Not a day goes by" on every line.  I felt it was too much.
I think it might be better if it was written thus:

Not a day goes by without me thinking of you

Wondering where you are

Longing to hug you

Hoping you are OK???  (Not sure if I like OK in a poem)


Then the second verse in the same way and so on.

Anway see what you think - you have certainly expressed your feelings here and that's good in a poem.

I think a poem like this should have impact and repetitive words seem to take away that impact.  My eyes were drawn more to the repetition than the actual poem and its meaning.  I think you could have a better impact without the repetition.

Lin x

Offline Gyppo

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2009, 08:27:55 AM »
Lin has a point.  There's some seriously powerful emotions here which I suspect many of us can relate to on some level, but the repetitions do detract from them.

How about 'framing' it between an identical opening and closing line of 'Not a day goes by without me..." with pared down lines in between?  It may not work for you, but it could be worth thinking about.

If you do decide to re-write, and I realise some personal poems are just a spontaneous outpouring to meet the feelings of the moment which people would rather not change, then I suggest you leave it for a while and come back to it in  couple of weeks and look at it as a poem rather than a statement of feelings.

Gyppo  
« Last Edit: October 17, 2009, 08:30:10 AM by Gyppo »
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline alienauthor

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2009, 02:58:51 PM »
Lin and Gyppo, I appreciate your critiques and I agree with both of you.  I wrote this a while back and when I re-read it I felt the same as you.  For some strange reason, I can't bring myself to change it though.  I suppose because the way it's written brings me back to where I was at the time.  At least that's the only thing I can come up with.  I doubt I'll ever try to publish this, but if I do , you can be sure I'll take your advice.  It was just an outpouring of the heart I wanted to share in the hopes that it might help me deal with a few emotions.  Come to think of it, I just may re-write this,...maybe it would do me some good somehow.  Anyway, thanks again for taking time to read.  If I change it I'll post the re-write. 8)
Love an Adventure! Live an adventure!  Then write the damned thing!

Lin

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2009, 05:03:23 AM »
It was a pleasure to help you.  Yes I have "outpouring poems" from years ago and when I look back at them, they are a good reminder of how life used to be. When I read them I realise I have come a long way forward in my life and feel proud of my personal achievements.  I still like my old poems though, I probably wouldn't change them for the world either! 

So keep up the good work, as each year passes your writing only gets better.

Lin x

Offline bowmore bill

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2009, 01:00:32 PM »
Lin has a point.  There's some seriously powerful emotions here which I suspect many of us can relate to on some level, but the repetitions do detract from them.

How about 'framing' it between an identical opening and closing line of 'Not a day goes by without me..." with pared down lines in between?  It may not work for you, but it could be worth thinking about.

If you do decide to re-write, and I realise some personal poems are just a spontaneous outpouring to meet the feelings of the moment which people would rather not change, then I suggest you leave it for a while and come back to it in  couple of weeks and look at it as a poem rather than a statement of feelings.

Gyppo   Hi GYPPO, AS AS HAS ALREADY BEEN POINTED OUT THERE IS A LOT OF EMOTION IN THIS PIECE, NOT GOING TO REAPEAT WHAT HAS ALREADY BEEN POINTED OUT REGARDING THE REPETITION NOT A DAY GOES BY, AS YOU HAVE ALREADY POINTED OUT' YOU HAVE RECOGNISED IT....vERY WELL DONE ANYWAY, REALLY ENJOYED READING IT.

Offline alienauthor

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2009, 03:00:44 PM »
Thanks Bill.  I appreciate the read.  Glad you enjoyed. 8)
Love an Adventure! Live an adventure!  Then write the damned thing!

Offline A.W.M

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2009, 03:14:38 PM »
Enjoyed the poem, and yes, very touching. 
Most people live and die
with their music still unplayed.
They never dare to try.

~ Mary Kay Ash

Offline alienauthor

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2009, 03:37:22 PM »
Thanks AWM. 8)
Love an Adventure! Live an adventure!  Then write the damned thing!

Offline DGSquared

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Re: A short poem
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2009, 02:50:32 AM »
I love this Mark. I've returned to read it several times. I hadn't thought of Linda's point until she pointed it out. Then I began visualizing it the way she suggested and I like it that way too but I see why you did it this way. :)
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