Author Topic: Storm's headed.  (Read 1034 times)

zomggge

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Storm's headed.
« on: September 23, 2009, 10:33:24 AM »
The wind crashes, the lightning strikes
The lights flicker, the powers out
Visions diffused, in the dark light
One man's soul, cries and shouts.

Offline Victor

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Re: Storm's headed.
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2009, 12:28:32 PM »
the first three lines are good. not inventive  (wind crashing/lightning striking )...but good.

the last line is a cop out.  soul ?
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline eric

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Re: Storm's headed.
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2009, 12:35:35 PM »
it has a tight structure and reasonably good word use.  the first three lines are fairly hackneyed, i think.   sounds like "it was a dark and stormy night."  Power's is a contraction of "power is" so should show the apostrophe.  This is also a hidden passive verb (is).  In the next two lines, we have two double abstractions -- "visions diffused" and "one man's soul."  Just curious, how does a soul cry and shout?

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: Storm's headed.
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2009, 02:05:27 PM »
your punctuation flickers in and out like the power.  you use the archaic form of putting caps at the beginning of each line.  a good rule of thumb to see if a poem (of this type, as this test doesn't work on all styles) is to turn it into prose and then read it.  so, this is what you have:


The wind crashes, the lightning strikes The lights flicker, the powers out Visions diffused, in the dark light One man's soul, cries and shouts.

all in all, it's a bit of a mess, wouldn't you agree?  and i think you meant to write "power's".
john
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/