Author Topic: The Stain Killing (adult language)  (Read 2657 times)

Offline actpoet

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The Stain Killing (adult language)
« on: September 23, 2009, 10:15:12 AM »
Hello:

I'm a poet and posted many on this board, but I've got a inch lately to try screenwriting. So, this is my first attempt. Please let me know what you think.


FADE IN:

INT. STONE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Thereís money here. Leather couches, marble floors, Rembrandts. Bedrooms like playgrounds lush with antiques.

KERSEY STONE, 24, plops down on a couch, sporting a weeks growth. Everything about him, from his eyes to his BLOOD-SOAKED clothes says he doesn't give a damn anymore. He slips a NINE MILLIMETER back into his coat, then stretches out to sleep.

EXT. STONE RESIDENCE - DRIVE WAY - LATER

TIFFANY STONEís, 50 year old body with a 30 year old face, BMW screeches to a halt. She clicks the 'off switch' on her Bluetooth headset.

TIFFANY
(looking at her engagement ring)
Eh - itís so 2008.
(looks in rearview, lifts her breasts)
You twins better close on that
4-carat brilliant cut today.

Tiffany turns, smiling because the twins have never let her down. She gathers five Bloomingdales bags from the passenger seat, and slips out. Her twenty-something neighbor, call her Victoria, stands in the adjacent drive. Her skin glistening from a long run.

VICTORIA
(overly nice)
Hey Tif, come see the clarity on this 5-carat ring Walter bought me yesterday.  

Tiffany narrows her eyes, and gestures to her ear as if to say: ďIím on a call.Ē Victoria smiles and winks at her. Turns on her heal, and goes.
Tiffany marches toward the front door dejected.

INT. STONE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Tiffany drops her bags on the table. Sifts through a pile of mail and finds a package. Rips the tape off like Christmas morning. Her brand new Versace purse gleams in the sunlight. She goes to pull it out and crack. There goes a fingernail. Tiffany slams down the purse, JARRING the keys on the table. The CAR ALARM BLARES from outside, PIERCING her eardrums. Tiffany GROPES around and finds her keys. Punches the off button.

Kersey mumbles something from the living room. Tiffany rolls her eyes and storms into the ...

INT. STONE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

And sees the thick BLOOD STAINS on the white sofa.

TIFFANY
(bashing Kersey in the head with her fist)
Thatís ten grand down the drain. And we have
company here in three hours. I donít have time for this.

Kersey LEAPS up.

KERSEY
You never had time for anything.

TIFFANY
Enough with the high school taunts.
Nobody put a gun to your head and
demanded you choose a bumís life.

Kersey lunges, GRIPS her by the waist, then SLAMS her on the floor.

KERSEY
(leaning over her)
You filthy cunt, it was something you didnít do.
Iíve been trying to rip this...this stain from my
soul. A stain that you helped pin there.
(rapid fire)
Youíre my fuckiní mother. Youíre suppose to
protect your kids, right?! Go ahead, fuckiní
tell me you didnít know.

Tiffany jerks her head aside. Kersey YANKS her up by the hair into the sitting position. TREMBLING violently, Tiffany shakes her head ďNo.Ē

KERSEY (CONTíD)
I knew youíd say that, so I erased the stain myself.

Tiffany wrestles away from him and LEAPS UP. RUSHES down the hallway and sees...

INT. STONE RESIDENCE - MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

JAMES STONE, 55, fat and lumpy, spread eagle on the bed. TWO BULLET holes in his head SPEW tiny rivers of blood. A BLOOD-CURDLING WAIL ROARS as Tiffany collapses to her knees...

Pulling it together, her eyes struggle back to the bed. MOLESTER written in blood on the wall above Jamesí body. Tiffany races to the PHONE. Lifts it up. Itís dead.

NAKED, Kersey strides into the room with his gun at this side. Tiffany collapses and darts her eyes away.

KERSEY
Stand at attention with all eyes on me now.

Tiffany doesnít move. He cocks the NINE MILLIMETER and levels it at her. Tiffanyís nails dig into her palms as she rises.

KERSEY
(softly)
All I wanted was one look, one fuckiní gesture
that said "I'll stop the pain."

TIFFANY
(clenching her teeth)
You deserved it.

BLAM! A BULLET RIPS through Kerseyís HEART. He drops.

She wails and crawls over to him. Runs her fingers slowly through his hair. Traces the scars on his forearms and chest.
Her eyes glaze over and turn into the dull, life-less eyes of a mannequin...

FADE to BLACK

We hear a gun cock. BLAM!

FADE OUT.
« Last Edit: September 23, 2009, 10:23:58 AM by actpoet »
Write on,

actpoet1

Offline Xerika

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Re: The Stain Killing (adult language)
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2009, 09:57:09 PM »
On the strength of this, I'd suggest you didn't give up your day job as a writer of poetry, actpoet.  ;D

Seriously though, there are a number of things I could say about this piece but first of all I wonder what (if any) market you're aiming this at.
http://rob-johnson.org.uk/ - writing, podcasting and reluctant olive farming

"I'd Rather Eat My Own Face" podcast. The truth about olive harvesting. http://wp.me/p2bC2C-8U

"If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it." - Elmore Leonard

Offline actpoet

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Re: The Stain Killing (adult language)
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2009, 07:40:49 PM »
Xerika:

Just wrote it because the scene came into my head....

So any crits would be okay.

Write on,

actpoet
Write on,

actpoet1

Offline eric

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Re: The Stain Killing (adult language)
« Reply #3 on: September 27, 2009, 07:59:18 PM »
Actually, I'd be interested too act.  I have only a small amount of experience at scripts and I'm none too great at the form, so I'd like to see what an experienced (that means old) guy like X. has to say.