Author Topic: ~Who you are~  (Read 1003 times)

Offline animerurisa231995

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • Heartprints
~Who you are~
« on: September 10, 2009, 10:40:43 AM »
I'm climbing a ladder of endless problems,
No one behind me, no one in front,
I carry with me a priceless emblem,
My mind's criticized stupid, irritable and blunt

I look at you with a smile upon my face,
I cry at night when no one's looking,
I hate your laugh, I call it disgrace,
I miss what now is disfunctioning

Howbeit, I've no proof of anything,
If the real you even existed,
Howbeit, I've full proof of meeting,
The you God has created

Unfortune, I will not call it,
Because before, you were fine,
Unfortune, a word I don't see fit,
Because before, there was still time

I wasn't acutely aware, your fugacious behavior,
I thought everyone was out of their minds,
People told me, "Please be smarter",
Now I see your sinful crimes

No, I tell you first, I am not,
Trying to erase what you are, am, to me,
Because now I know, now I ought,
To tell you who you're supposed to be
~If I lived for a hundred years, I'd write hundreds worth~
~If I lived forever, I'd make history~
~But since I can't, I'll start small~

Offline eric

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10576
Re: ~Who you are~
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2009, 10:51:44 AM »
good job, young one.  this is an "i" poem with a lot of abstractions and other problems.  it has, however, good language usage, a strong command of flow, and a concept that i find very interesting.  your idea has been done but i think you can go places with your angle.  i really do.  you have some newbie errors but you show the grace and skill to be a lot better than you are.  i will get back to this one and help you through it, if that's okay.  well done.

Offline animerurisa231995

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
    • Heartprints
Re: ~Who you are~
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2009, 12:00:55 PM »
Thank you. I'm actually referring to one of my friend, so it's kind of from the heart :) I'd be more than glad to have you help me. Thanks  :D
~If I lived for a hundred years, I'd write hundreds worth~
~If I lived forever, I'd make history~
~But since I can't, I'll start small~

Offline John Yamrus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2503
Re: ~Who you are~
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2009, 12:04:16 PM »
eric is an excellent mentor.  any comments and suggestions he makes should be taken quite seriously as he has a great eye for what works and what doesn't...and WHY.
The one thing i would point out is your absolutely disgraceful use of the comma to provide pauses.  don't do it.  if you choose to punctuate, either do it right or not at all.
beyond that...listen to eric.  he knows what he's talking about.
jy
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline eric

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10576
Re: ~Who you are~
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2009, 12:13:04 PM »
thank you Mr. Y.  i'll get back to you pretty soon, ani.