Author Topic: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)  (Read 2288 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2009, 06:26:07 PM »
Okay Miss Alice, I think it's repaired. This is what I added:


By the time Matt brought their horses, Koop had cut Daniel’s bonds and they were coming out the door. “Thanks to the last rider, we have three mounts.”

Daniel rubbed his wrists and stumbled, still feeling the pressures of being bound for more than a week. “Where’s my dad? Did he come with you? How did you find me?”

Koop helped him up on his horse. “My Lord, we need to get you away from here with haste and quietly. I beg of you, allow me to answer your questions once we have reached safety.”


With a blanket over Daniel’s shoulders to disguise the marks of royalty on his brightly colored tunic, the trio slowly rode back to the bridge. They fought the urge to gallop through the street to the north, and back to the rendezvous. Matt and Koop kept Daniel’s horse between them and no one paid attention to the three riders.

Offline goldmouse5

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 59
Re: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2009, 09:49:42 PM »
Hey Skip - I am taking a break from PhD hell  :'(

Just one tiny thing. I looked and couldn't find anyone else had asked you about it.


Just at twilight, a rider stepped off a horse with a sack and knocked at the small door on the second level.


Felt a little strange.......sort of lopsided or something.  I love the word twilight and think you could use it in a better way.  If not I still dig your writing....
 

Judith
JAHU

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

  • http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 31219
  • Hello from Texas
    • Alice's Hide Away
Re: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)
« Reply #17 on: August 30, 2009, 10:35:51 PM »
Okay Miss Alice, I think it's repaired. This is what I added:


By the time Matt brought their horses, Koop had cut Daniel’s bonds and they were coming out the door. “Thanks to the last rider, we have three mounts.”

Daniel rubbed his wrists and stumbled, still feeling the pressures of being bound for more than a week. “Where’s my dad? Did he come with you? How did you find me?”

Koop helped him up on his horse. “My Lord, we need to get you away from here with haste and quietly. I beg of you, allow me to answer your questions once we have reached safety.”


With a blanket over Daniel’s shoulders to disguise the marks of royalty on his brightly colored tunic, the trio slowly rode back to the bridge. They fought the urge to gallop through the street to the north, and back to the rendezvous. Matt and Koop kept Daniel’s horse between them and no one paid attention to the three riders.


Good fix Skip.  ;D 

I like it on two points. His asking about his father sounds natural and right - plus Koop's response explains his silence after that.

 
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)
« Reply #18 on: August 30, 2009, 11:11:25 PM »
Hey Judith, That was one of the sentences I trimmed. The first time I wrote it, the sack had food in it for Daniel but then I got to thinking, Matt wouldn't know what was in the bag. I'll elaborate on the twilight part, was thinking about standing guard in shifts. "You two take the day and those two will take the nights." (I didn't want to use "day-shift" or "night-shift" as they sound like modern terms)
 ;D one of those newbie disconects where I thought something but failed to tell the reader. oops

Hey Alice,  ;D  ;D thank you, you helped add depth to the dialogue.

Skip

Offline Max Zvyagintsev

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1729
  • Welcome to my World! Now go home
Re: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)
« Reply #19 on: August 31, 2009, 05:33:53 AM »
Hey Skip.

I thougt the dialogue was very well done and some great humour used again which is always a great technique to keep a reader's attention.

Just one sentence I'd like to comment on quickly.  ;)

 Matt was about to give up and report to Koop he couldn’t be sure Daniel was in there, then he heard the chatty man turn his attention. – I'd split this into 2 sentences. Put a full stop after "Koop."

I think everyone else has just about filled the holes I wanted to explore  ;D

Max

"The World doesn't owe you anything, it was here first"

"You fall before you learn to stand up"

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)
« Reply #20 on: August 31, 2009, 06:06:26 AM »
Cool beans Max, I'll fix that right away, thank you.

Offline Symphony

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2432
    • Put the kettle on
Re: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)
« Reply #21 on: August 31, 2009, 08:00:44 AM »
Fascinating seeing how this extract has developed (and improved) with the mix of comments and suggestions from everyone. I'm not going to add more as I'm a bit wary of 'too many cooks' syndrome LOL and it's doing very well just as it is! Just one think really leapt out at me that nobody else mentioned. In Ireland 'keening' has nothing to do with magic - it's an expression of grief. I wonder is there another meaning - or were you thinking of 'scrying' (when witches hold metal and thread over a map and suchlike to 'locate' somebody?)

The characters are really coming through! Lots of potential here,

Symphony

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)
« Reply #22 on: August 31, 2009, 03:02:30 PM »
Hey Symphony, This is why I love posting bits of my story so much because I learn bucket loads of writing technique with each one.

The Keening. Back when I started building the frame of the story I knew my characters would have some grief in their lives. This is one reason why I chose this word. Also, to Keen is to "Know." Myth has it that Odin sacrificed one of his eyes for "Wisdom" at Mimir's well.

Therefor, in my story, Odin gives the first born of each generation, "The Keening" or the knowing. With it they can hear the thoughts of men(people) they can talk to animals, and dream of the furure.

It doesn't make them immortal or supermen but it does give them an edge in a battle or dealing with the bad guys.
(EDIT) in the opening scene of my story, my main character is a boy of 12 years old, playing by himself, mourning the loss of his father.
Anyway, that was my plan.

Skip
« Last Edit: August 31, 2009, 03:40:59 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline Symphony

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2432
    • Put the kettle on
Re: Your nightmare, my classroom (857)
« Reply #23 on: September 01, 2009, 08:02:55 AM »
Aha!! Excellent!