Author Topic: A Matter Of Flaws  (Read 2956 times)

maverickmuse

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A Matter Of Flaws
« on: August 27, 2009, 01:59:57 PM »
If a guy hits a girl
Is it okay?
If the girl's insecurities
Made him that way?

And so the girl is the VICTIM
And also the CAUSE
The right and the wrong
Are a matter of flaws


** I know it's not particularly long but when extra piece I had seemed to rag it out. any reviews would be apprecitated. Thanks!! **

Offline gibberatu

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2009, 08:30:48 PM »
If a guy hits a girl because she is insecure it is not OK.

Offline caseyquinn

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2009, 11:27:24 AM »
This is a great example of how to write a poem without any use of images, engagement of the reader, showing, just simply telling and hoping the reader cares.... if a critic slaps a poet is it okay? if the poem made the critic that way?
Casey Quinn
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My second poetry chapbook Prepare To Crash has just been released!
http://bigtablepublishing.com/chaptitles.html

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2009, 12:20:12 PM »
Casey...great comment.  and very true.  i had held off on commenting on this poem because i flat out just didn't know where to begin.  this poem is wrong for so many reasons...for the philosophy and thoughts it espouses...to the execution.  it's obvious the writer is a very young person.  my only hope is that he or she still has time to grow...both emotionally and as a writer.  time will tell.
jy
« Last Edit: August 29, 2009, 01:05:58 PM by John Yamrus »
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline eric

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2009, 12:38:45 PM »
I agree right down the line with John on this one.   Really good  job on the poem, Casey.  Might be the first or a very early one of a very young writer.  

To the poet, read a lot about poetry, study a bunch of poems if you want to improve.

About the philosophy ... either you're a male or a female.  

If you're male, it is never all right to hit a girl or a woman.  Ever.  No excuses.  Short skirts, insecurity, changing minds, arguments, nothing gives you a right to hit a female.  What part of "never" do you not understand?  

If you're female, and probably a girl or very young woman, you may be trying to figure out this tired, hackneyed excuse boys like to give for violence against their girlfriends etc.  Please refer to the answer, set out just above.  Boys can confuse girls, like men can sometimes confuse women, though this happens less often, heh. But do not ever put up with violence, you don't have to -- even though you might think you do.  Good luck.  
« Last Edit: August 30, 2009, 10:05:09 PM by eric »

maverickmuse

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2009, 01:24:38 PM »
thanks for your replies.

i am well aware that it is not okay for a guy to hit a girl, it was the point of the piece. it was my response to someone telling someone very close to me that they hit her because she wound him up. i was attempting to show the idiocy of that argument.

i am not trained in poetry in any way. just trying to put my feelings into words.

when it comes to the execution?? well i accept that my style may not be classic or everyone's cup of tea but i have one that seems to work for me. i dont write poems to impress. there's a lot on here that i think is utter garbage, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2009, 01:46:33 PM »


when it comes to the execution?? well i accept that my style may not be classic or everyone's cup of tea but i have one that seems to work for me..

please consider this...if everyone who read your poem is of the impression that (#1) you're quite young and #2 unschooled in poetry, then perhaps your style DOESN'T work.  if it did, we would have completely understood the point you were attempting to convey.  i'm not saying that to be mean, really...merely making what i hope is a constructive point.
take care.
yamrus
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline gibberatu

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2009, 06:11:23 PM »
I can sympathise because I like rhyme and that's how I got started. The problem is that keeping the rhyme and the metre is difficult, and particularly with beginners, other aspects get sacrificed. Sometimes it can be archaic syntax (OK long ago), or tortured syntax (just not OK), both of which I've done. In this case you might have sacrificed the meaning to get the rhymes (I've done that as well). I don't advise giving up rhyme entirely and forever if you like the form. It's popular in rap, and I think with verses for children and comic verse, at least in the UK. However in mainstream possibly academic or erudite circles, it is out of fashion, I think because it was found too restrictive. I expect someone else can describe the situation better than I can.

In any case I would suggest you try writing this poem or some others without trying to rhyme.

Offline Victor

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2009, 11:13:36 AM »
agree with gib. its probably the rhyme that's fettering you. let it go.

its good only in songs.

And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2009, 12:17:59 PM »
agree wholeheartedly about rhyme being outmoded.  see, what you're doing with the rhymes in trying to adhere to forms that are now in the past.  people go around trying to write like byron or shelley or keats or wordsworth or whoever...what current writers of poetry forget is that those people and many maner others like them...were at the cutting edge of their craft.  they weren't trying to copy or emulate forms that were in the past...they were intent on breaking new ground.  rhyme is in the past.  victor's right...it's only good for in songs now.  rhyme is dead and i'm glad it is, because so few people can do it properly...and when it's done badly...it's a mess.
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline eric

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2009, 12:41:37 PM »
You guys do know you're talking  to a ghost, right?  This kid left our forum some time ago.  I like the discussion, though ...

JY is talking about end rhymes, and there I agree almost 100%.  And especially when the rhyme dominates you instead of vice versa.  A rhyme that weirds out and subverts your meaning is seeming to be a fell beast that needs shooting.  Internal rhymes, like assonance, alliteration, consonance, and other stuff like that can make sonic devices of beauty.  But the key is to keep control of your sounds.  I will be studying how M. Place does that.

Offline John Yamrus

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2009, 12:43:25 PM »
didnm't know i was responding to a ghost.  well, at least that's something new...i'm usually just responding to the voices in my head!
Since 1970 John's published 2 novels, 18 books of poetry, and had more than 1,300 poems published in mags around the world.   His new book, (his 20TH) called CAN'T STOP NOW! is available here:

http://www.epicrites.org/

Offline eric

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2009, 12:57:18 PM »
heh heh heh, that's you and me both!  notice when the name of the poster is blacked out, like this one's is ... and when you try to click on it you get nothing ... that's a sign she has resigned from the forum.

cheers.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2009, 10:05:41 AM by eric »

Offline Victor

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2009, 01:24:06 PM »
I knew she has left...but there's nothing to keep her from checking this thread as a guest.
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Jade

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Re: A Matter Of Flaws
« Reply #14 on: September 01, 2009, 01:24:30 PM »
BRAVO casey!!!
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
Cyril Connolly

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." ~Mohandas Gandhi