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Offline Victor

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///
« on: August 26, 2009, 10:54:59 AM »
//
« Last Edit: September 04, 2010, 08:28:46 AM by Victor »
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline JoD

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (lang)
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2009, 08:41:29 AM »
i dont have much time today. gotta pack for a trip as soon as i get done working. BUT

i'm a little shocked to say this: you've written something that doesn't do much for me. like the opening a lot except for the word 'flittering.'

like 'glares up'

i like that when she reads she

'reads slow'

but unless i'm slow and missing something this morning, the rest seems off. her 'fine mist' of spit is overkill. what she says doesn't make sense to me: 'you write just because you can spell?' i mean, i get the intent but if that's as well as she can say it, she probably doesn't need to be talking in a poem.

and unless she misread a word and, like i say, i'm slow and missing it, the last line, which in your stuff usually has a stinger, doesn't parse.

noticed your new sig. that line has always made me laugh. silly rapper. 'you aint gonna have no choice.' hahahahahaha.
The last of the West's great wild rivers. A handmade dory. And two men, determined to live their dreams -- at any cost. ANYTHING WORTH DOING. http://www.jodeurbrouck.com/

Offline JoD

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (lang)
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2009, 12:33:28 PM »
thanks for the comment Jo.,  ;D

I was thinking about adding this strophe in the end- but decided to trust the reader.

thats wasn't a u
but an e





just goes to show you, some readers can't be trusted. even after you gave me the cheater last line i had to read the word twice to get penny out of c-e-n-t. LOL
The last of the West's great wild rivers. A handmade dory. And two men, determined to live their dreams -- at any cost. ANYTHING WORTH DOING. http://www.jodeurbrouck.com/

Offline Amie

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (warning: profanity)
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2009, 12:36:07 PM »
No, I think those additional lines would help - I didn't get it until you suggested that.

On the other hand, it's a bit of a stretch, isn't it? An old lady seeing the word 'cunt' instead of 'cent'? If she (or the audience you're railing against not too subtley) were that uptight, that word would never occur to her.

Dearie me though, since I've had to use what most people consider to be an offensive word in my reply, I'll have to go back and change your subject line so that folk who are sensitive to such stuff are forewarned. I don't think 'lang' will cut it, someone will surely complain that they didn't understand that it was meant to indicate potentially offensive language.
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline JoD

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (warning: profanity)
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2009, 12:39:10 PM »

On the other hand, it's a bit of a stretch, isn't it? An old lady seeing the word 'cunt' instead of 'cent'? If she (or the audience you're railing against not too subtley) were that uptight, that word would never occur to her.



damn, smart amie. i'm going to use that for my excuse, why i couldn't 'get' the punchline i knew had to be there. i was channeling aunt martha!
The last of the West's great wild rivers. A handmade dory. And two men, determined to live their dreams -- at any cost. ANYTHING WORTH DOING. http://www.jodeurbrouck.com/

Offline eric

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (warning: profanity)
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2009, 12:45:52 PM »
 :D

maverickmuse

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (warning: profanity)
« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2009, 05:02:51 PM »
i liked it. it was realistic. im always getting told off for being rude, when my nan just glances over rather than reads my work!! i am new so i havent had a chance to read your other stuff, but i will definately be checking it out ^^

MM

Offline emma112

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (warning: profanity)
« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2009, 05:09:41 PM »
I agree with Maverick. It was realistic, which makes the poem good and quite funny, because almost everyone has had a similar experience with their grandparents, aunties, uncles, etc.

So good job on this piece, Victor.  :)
Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us - Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)

Offline Victor

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (warning: profanity)
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2009, 02:56:49 AM »
thanks maverick and emma for your comments. :)
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Geraldine

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (warning: profanity)
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2009, 10:00:02 AM »
Hi Victor,

aside from the girl poem (cant remember the name), this is by far my fav of yours to date, its got plenty of you but the little tweist was jus srummy and the realness of the situation was so well done, i could see the people, the movemnets the expressions, the whole shabang!

really well done and a very enjoyable read  ;D

love in death shows what love in life should be

Offline Victor

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Re: Aunt Martha pays a visit (warning: profanity)
« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2009, 10:17:36 AM »
oh....thanks G. ;D
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17