Author Topic: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome  (Read 3355 times)

Jayel

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Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« on: January 16, 2006, 01:50:34 PM »
Prologue


Red-gold fingers of lightning snaked across the eastern sky to fuse with their blue-white counterparts, culminating in a booming voice of united condemnation.  With heavy heart and furrowed brow, the Sojourner Alandon watched his offspring vie for control of the dying world below. It was his fault.  A ripple of guilt raced up his spine and twisted painfully in his gut.  Fear had led him to attempt the destruction of the House of Aaradan. It was fear that had directed his call on Abaddon’s armies, setting in motion the final destruction now taking place at the fortress below, and it was fear that had caused him to steal the birthright from one daughter and give it to the other.
Abaddon, thief of souls, now held Alandon’s wife captive and was lurking within the gathering gloom in the hope of adding the souls of his daughters to the collection gathering in his abyss.
 
“Abaddon!”  He cursed his brother.  He should have known; he should have seen Aléria’s weakness, her jealousy and her desire for absolute power.  Too late he had discovered his child’s wickedness and Abaddon’s growing control.  It had already cost him the soul of his wife and, should he do nothing, would cost the soul of another daughter.

Howling in rage and frustration, the Sojourner whirled and flung out his hands. A flaming golden orb formed in his palms. Each potent globe surged forward from his fingertips into the seething caldron of storm clouds below. The fiery spheres detonated, releasing their cataclysmic strikes to extinguish the seven kingdoms of Ædracmoræ, leaving their shattered fragments to drift as dark flotsam under the final brilliance of the life-giving topaz star.

Screaming curses and promised resurrection, Alandon swept the soul of his betrayed daughter into the heavens as an ominous and silent darkness cloaked the former realm of The Dragon Queen.

Until the willow weeps and the Age of the Ancients is upon you, you will sleep.  When at last you awake seek your forgotten truth.  I shall leave the keys of restoration within your reach.

As Alandon swung toward the cavern where he would await the call of his daughter, a movement caught his attention. Guardians—led by a tattered remnant of the hated House of Aaradan—who had sworn their service and pledged their protection but who had failed, leaving his daughter alone to face her enemies.
 
Snarling with long-festering rage, Alandon flung them away but not before he wrenched the soul from the one they called Captain and swept it into the abyss.
 
“You, Sōrél, will remember!  You will suffer the endless memory of your failure throughout the eternity of darkness with no hope of her forgiveness.  Without her your House of Aaradan is dead.”

And for a man’s eternity the world was to remain lost in silence and shadows . . .


 

Offline chillies

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2006, 02:21:17 PM »
Wow. That is powerful stuff.

chillies

Jayel

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2006, 10:22:39 AM »
Thanks chillies.  I am going to take that as a compliment.  ;)

Offline Symphony

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2006, 10:38:04 AM »
Hi Jayel,

This was a very interesting prologue - lots of potential for a great story. Have you written more of it already? Great start!

My only comment (and this could just be 'me', since I don't read this genre very often) is that my simple mind got very confused with all the similar sounding names: Alandon, Abaddon, Aaradan ... is it intentional that they're all As?

I also wondered (briefly) about your reference to Alandon as 'Alandon' in places, but in others as the Sojourner. This made it slightly more confusing.

Then again, these days I spend most of my time in a state of confusion   ???

Symphony

Offline tigger

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2006, 11:21:23 AM »
Hey Jayel,

Good work!

I like the atmosphere. I don't like the repetitive use of 'A' names except in the case of the name for your Seven Kingdoms. Nice touch. The sound is melodic and mysterious.

I would keep that and the name 'Abaddon', since this has significance. You might consider changing the rest so your reader is not looking back to clarify which character is which.

The storyline has great potential. A Universal/Otherworld War leaves much room for the imagination. Looks like you're going to be busy. :);)

ciao for now...
:);)

Jayel

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2006, 01:35:58 PM »
Symphony and tigger, thank you for your suggestions and encouragement.  Yes, there is more, this wee ditty is from a completed manuscript.  Use of the repeated 'A' is familial (Alandon and Abaddon are twins) and plays an important part in the geneology of the characters, as the story progresses it actually makes it easier to identify characters by bloodline (*laughing* at least according to the editor).  Sojourner is a race name. 

It is always difficult to visualize the complete tale with so brief a posting, don't you think? Readers are usually privy to so much more (important details like the accompanying story, maps, geneologies, and glossary). *wink*

Again, much thanks and happy writing.

Offline Mini

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2006, 06:11:24 AM »
Hi Jayel,

I love this piece. The opening paragraph provides the reader with loads of hooks.

One small niggle, "A ripple of guilt raced up (down) his spine and tisted painfully in his gut. But then I am assuming that Sojouner Alandon has similar antomy to humans.

I'm going to show this to my fifteen year old, I think she'll love it.

Mini

Jayel

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2006, 03:18:44 PM »
Thank you, Mini.

*laughing* That is probably one the editor will pick out and snarl about, but you never know - it is in her hands now.  Most of those showing up at my book signings and checking the series out at the libraries are 13-17 year old boys and girls. I would love to know your daughter's opinion.

Offline prophetcharlesb

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2006, 03:31:18 PM »
Lots of passion in your description. You can tell you really enjoy and love writing.  By the way, my 15 year daughter loves your website. See loves the art work especially. She draws, paints etc., mostly anime and fairy type stuff. She enters an anime art contest every year and hopefully she will win soon. There is so many that enter and the competition is tough. She is doing the artwork for the cover of a novel Im writing and has decided the design has to be a naga. LOL I guess I have to go with it if I want to continue living around here. ;D I believe she is gonna buy one of your books in a couple of days. Keep passion.
"A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life"

christopher morley

Jayel

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2006, 11:27:03 AM »
Thanks to you and your daughter for the nice comments.  The relationship I have with my artist has been great for both of us.  I never promote a book without promoting Michele-lee Phelan's artwork.  It has been a wonderful collaboration and since she does all of my 'book odds' (bookmarks, business cards and ACEO cards for the series) it has also been great for sales.  If your daughter does read any of my books please have her send in a review through my contact page and I will post it on the website.

The naga sounds great, I have naga (briefly) in my second book. What medium does your daughter use?  My artist uses watercolors and mixed media for my covers and website art. I wish your daughter lots of luck with her art contests.  My artist has been featured on the Epilogue New Masters of Fantasy for both 2004 and 2005.

Offline prophetcharlesb

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Re: Crits, Comments and Complaints Welcome
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2006, 03:39:14 PM »
She hasnt done any water color yet. She does alot of pencil art for folks, she also uses acrillics and photo shop. She is fixing to buy a new updated program that just came out she thinks will be better than photo shop because it will let her design in real time. I will let you know when she reads one of your books. She was just telling me the other night I have to let her order one. LOL

My book will be her first book. I guess I have to take the chance on her first. :)

"A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life"

christopher morley