Author Topic: 214/216 Dante Dr 687 word count update  (Read 636 times)

Offline 7thdaughter

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214/216 Dante Dr 687 word count update
« on: August 09, 2009, 04:28:23 PM »
 Diane had been packing for weeks but, the day had finally arrived for her big move to start over again.  Thomas, her soon to be ex-husband, had been packing her stuff for months and storing it in the garage. Seemed to her he was in a hurry to get rid of her.
 They had been together 14 years and married 12.  She raised his  troubled son from a previous marriage. Helped him get out of dept to make a comfortable life for themselves. She was looking forward to retirement so, they could start living a real life instead of all work no play.
Now she was looking at starting a new life in a new place by herself.
 Diane's sons from her first marriage had came down from northern Michigan to help her move up north 30 miles from where they lived.   “Wayne, here take this picture to the truck please,” Diana said. She pats him on the arm as Wayne goes by her. Everything was in the two trucks and her car for the long journey. She thought just one last look around the house to make sure she had not forgotten anything she wanted to take from the long 14 years of acquiring stuff.     She would be hell bent if he thought she would leave him more then he dissevered. Because, when Thomas and she met neither had anything to speak of. If anything he had debts including owing the IRS.  But, over the years of hard working and sacrifices they had built themselves a little empire.  “Wayne, Kevin I'm going in the house to check to see if we forgot everything,” Diane told her son's. She thinks to herself she don't know what she would do with out them, she loved them so much.
 Thomas walked in behind her and put his arms around her. His hug was so tight she lost her breath for a moment. She turned around and pulled his hands off her. God he was a big man, she thought. “What do you want Tom? Diane says to him. Then Thomas Says' with tears in his eyes “I never thought you would ever leave me”. This caught Diane by surprise. She thought back to May of that year when she had tried everything to make there marriage work. She joined a gym because he liked to lift weights. Bought a book of poetry to share with him which he had no interest. She went to his office to see if he wanted to go to lunch one day in July. When she walked up to his closed office door she knocked twice then walked in. He was not alone working in his office. The co-worker pushed her chair back away from Thomas as if she had been shocked by electricity. “I was only showing him how to use the software for work” she said. “What do you want Diane?” Tom asked her. “I came to see if you wanted to go to lunch but, I see you're busy,” Diane says with sarcasm. Diane looked at them both with the all knowing to well the real story that was going on.  Two years before he put her through a similar affair with one of his employees, Amy Alper.
He ripped her heart out that time. She swore he couldn't  and wouldn't ever hurt her again. She made a vow to make the marriage work for two more years. In the state of Michigan  women will get a percentage of a mans retirement after 10 years, she wanted to make sure she had put her time in. So, she took him back and forgave him that time.
Diane turned and walked back out of the building to her car, slammed the door closed. She doubled up her fists and banged the steering wheel. Then she turned on the ignition and the radio started to blare out Ray Charles song;
 “Your cheating heart will make you weep you'll cry and cry .................When tears come down like falling rain
 you'll toss around and call my name....”
How many times must a heart be broken, the spirit crushed, dreams destroyed before the Soul gives up?

Offline goldmouse5

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Re: 214/216 Dante Dr 687 word count update
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2009, 05:07:15 PM »
Hey 7thdaughter

I formatted it a little so it would be easier to read. I think you (and me) need some help with POV. This should clear up sentence structure etc. I know there are people out there that can help with this....I made a few POV comments but I am not qualified to do much more.

Great story.....I will wait and see what others have to say - then make some more of my own.  Thanks for sharing it with me.

Judith




Diane had been packing for weeks but, the daysomething needs changing here had finally arrived for her big move to start over again.  Thomas, her soon to be ex-husband, had been packing her stuff for months and storing it in the garage. Seemed to her he was in a hurry to get rid of her.

They had been together 14 years and married 12.  She raised his troubled son from a previous marriage. Helped him get out of deptdebt to make a comfortable life for themselves. She was looking forward to retirement so, they could start living a real life instead ofneeds something all work no play.

Now She was looking at starting a new life in a new place by herself.
Diane's sons from her first marriage had came POV? down from northern Michigan to help her move up north 30 miles from where they lived.

“Wayne, here take this picture to the truck please,” Diana said. She pats him on the arm as Wayne goes by her. Everything was in the two trucks and her car for the long journey. She thought just one last look around the house to make sure she had not forgotten anything she wanted to take from the long 14 years of acquiring stuff.

She would be hell bent if he thought she would leave him more then he dissevered. Because, when Thomas and she met neither had anything to speak of. If anything he had debts including owing the IRS.  But, over the years of hard working and sacrifices they had built themselves a little empire. 

“Wayne, Kevin I'm going in the house to check to see if we forgot everything,” Diane told her son's. She thinks to herself she don't know what she would do with out them,  needs fixing?she loved them so much.

Thomas walked in behind her and put his arms around her. His hug was so tight she lost her breath for a moment. She turned around and pulled his hands off her. God he was a big man, she thought. “What do you want Tom? Diane says to himPOV?. Then Thomas Says' with tears in his eyes

“I never thought you would ever leave me”.

This caught Diane by surprise. She thought back to May of that year when she had tried everything to make there marriage work. She joined a gym because he liked to lift weights. Bought a book of poetry to share with him which he had no interest. She went to his office to see if he wanted to go to lunch one day in July.

When she walked up to his closed office door she knocked twice then walked in. He was not alone working in his office. The co-worker pushed her chair back away from Thomas as if she had been shocked by electricity.

“I was only showing him how to use the software for work” she said.

 “What do you want Diane?” Tom asked her.

“I came to see if you wanted to go to lunch but, I see you're busy,” Diane says POV?with sarcasm. Diane looked at them both with the all knowing to well the real story that was going on.  Two years before he put her through a similar affair with one of his employees, Amy Alper.Whis Amy Alper?


He ripped her heart out that time. She swore he couldn't  and wouldn't ever hurt her again. She made a vow to make the marriage work for two more years. In the state of Michigan  women will get a percentage of a mans retirement after 10 years, she wanted to make sure she had put her time in.

So, she took him back and forgave him that time.
Diane turned and walked back out of the building to her car, slammed the door closed. She doubled up her fists and banged the steering wheel. Then she turned on the ignition and the radio started to blare out Ray Charles song;

 “Your cheating heart will make you weep you'll cry and cry .................When tears come down like falling rain  you'll toss around and call my name....”
JAHU