Author Topic: moodeling...?  (Read 2436 times)

katinka

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moodeling...?
« on: May 15, 2006, 08:43:38 AM »
Her eyes flutter open in the early hour before the softening of the night-sky in the East announces a new day, she is suddenly awake. With consciousness come the familiar flood of racing thoughts that always accompany her awakening. Before her eyes open, she has rejected several thoughts as unpleasant and worry-some. This exercise is a hard won victory of her latest quest to overcome her downward spiraling, that presses in on her at every turn.
This morning, a faded memory emerges, amid the colorful subjects of her imagination. She turns to her side and sees the dim light of the bright moonlit night, shining softly outside her bedroom window, silhouetting the tall pines on the land. A smile settles on her face softening the lines that have been etched there by so much life.  This was one of those moments of clarity that come along, not often but always anticipated, after she once experienced the very first.
The realization that the total of life’s experience lies within the subconscious, has lead her to a sense of anticipation, to the hope of a revelation of the essence of self. ‘I will know it in a flash‘, that is the feeling that is crystalized with an unquenchable hope when confusion and emotions are locked into a cycle of fear. This is one of  those moment that solicits a smile before opening her eyes, a well feeling, a sense of being vibrantly alive, her subconscious has given up one of her buried treasures...                 

Offline Donnettetxgirl

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Re: moodeling...?
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2006, 05:43:11 PM »
Kat, this is very good. I liked the words you used. Only, you might want to consider instead of a smile settled on her face, maybe, a smile settled over her face. That was the only thing I found. Nice clean writing. Good job.

Donnette

katinka

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Re: moodeling...?
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2006, 08:34:22 PM »
Thanks Donnette, good point. ;)
did you get the partial crtique?
 kat

Offline Donnettetxgirl

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Re: moodeling...?
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2006, 09:22:44 PM »
Yes I did, just haven't had time to add the changes yet. But the changes you made were great. Isn't it funny when your writing, you sometimes don't see things that would sound better another way. But when I look at someone else's work, you know immediately when something doesn't fit together right. I am very pleased that we have twinned. It has been a great advantage. Hope you had a great mother's day.

Donnette

Offline traeva

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Re: moodeling...?
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2006, 10:02:50 PM »
What you have written is an interesting beginning.  I think you do a good job of capturing the feeling of waking up in the morning and being overcome with a flood of ideas before even opening our eyes.  I’m interested to read more.  I enjoyed the tone and sleepy pace of this piece; it seems appropriate to the moment.  I’m no expert, but I’ve written a few suggestions into your text inside ().

Her eyes flutter open in the early hour before the softening of the night-sky in the East announces a new day, (;) she is suddenly awake. With consciousness come the familiar flood of racing thoughts that always accompany her awakening. Before her eyes open, she has rejected several thoughts as unpleasant and worry-some. This exercise is a hard won victory of (fruit of her quest instead of victory of her quest?) her latest quest to overcome her downward spiraling, that presses in on her at every turn. (the downward spiraling that presses her at every turn)

This morning, a faded memory emerges, (delete the ,) amid the colorful subjects of her imagination. She turns to her side and sees the dim light of the bright moonlit night, shining softly outside her bedroom window, silhouetting the tall pines on the land. A smile settles on her face softening the lines that have been etched there by so much life.  (Smiles usually deepen the lines on our faces – that’s why I’m proud of the lines that are forming at the corners of my eyes – they are the proof of having lived a life full of laughter) This was one of those moments of clarity that come along, not often but always anticipated, after she once experienced the very first.  (Not sure I understand this sentence – she once, long ago, had a moment of clarity and now clarity comes along once in a while?)

The realization that the total of life’s experience lies within the subconscious, (delete ,) has lead her to a sense of anticipation, to the hope of a revelation of the essence of self. ‘I will know it in a flash‘, that is the feeling that is crystalized with an unquenchable hope when confusion and emotions are locked into a cycle of fear. (Not sure I understand the previous sentence) This is one of  those moment that solicits a smile before opening her eyes, a well feeling, (a feeling of wellness? A contented feeling?) a sense of being vibrantly alive, her subconscious has given up one of her buried treasures...


katinka

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Re: moodeling...?
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2006, 07:49:37 AM »
Donnette, yes, I had a great Mothersday, every time I see my kids it's a great day. :)
I must have gone through "Beyond..." a dozen times and found more things to correct. I came to the conclusion that I cut the best out of it. I will revise it once more after "Sophia" because I am learning so much now. I'll get the rest done in a day or two. Do I send mine next???? I'm so into this story, I forget.
kat 

katinka

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Re: moodeling...?
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2006, 07:53:31 AM »
Thank you Traeva, I'll keep your helps and use them if I should ever make use of this snippett. I have so many thoughts and excerpts to incorporate somewhere. It is not the beginning yet of anything, just a little writing exercise, it is called  'moodeling...'
kat

Offline Donnettetxgirl

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Re: moodeling...?
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2006, 10:21:39 AM »
Kat, yes send it on, I am ready whenever you are.

Donnette

Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: moodeling...?
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2006, 05:53:15 PM »
Great descriptive paragraph - I'm with the feeling right away.  One thing I noted:

Quote
has lead her to a sense of anticipation

Guess it should be 'led' not 'lead'.  But that may just be UK English.

Cheers
Carrie

katinka

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Re: moodeling...?
« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2006, 07:50:53 PM »
You are right Carrie, all those gritty little annoying errors we make!
Thanks for pointing it out, it saves me from having to find it if I do. ;)kat