Author Topic: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)  (Read 1563 times)

Offline NurseJenni

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Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« on: July 31, 2009, 01:04:08 AM »
Little scene around the breakfast table. Sarah almost gets her first glimpse of magic. This is currently the last scene of chapter one and I need it to be a hook. Can you tell that Samuel was about to do something wierd to the timer? Any opinions would be very much appreciated.  

Thanks so much,
Jenni



I shrugged on my robe and made my way to the bathroom, where my toothbrush and other necessities were already waiting. The smell of cinnamon was even stronger in the hallway, and I hurried through my morning routine, brushing my teeth and smoothing my hair into a low ponytail.

“Grandma, whatever you’re making smells really-” I stopped at the kitchen door as a tall boy with dark hair stood up from the table with a  mouth full of food. Grandma stood across the large room at the stove, lifting cinnamon rolls from a pan onto a round blue platter.

“Good morning Sarah. I hope you slept well, I put your things away for you this morning, you were out like a light.” Grandma sat the plate of sticky rolls on the table in front of the boy, he looked at her with raised eyebrows. “Oh my goodness, forgive me for not introducing you two, this is Samuel. Samuel this is Sarah.”

He wiped his hand on the seat of his jeans and extended it to me. “Nice to meet you, Sarah.”  

“You too.”

He dropped back into his seat and began to devour the rolls again as Grandma refilled his large glass of milk. “Samuel’s family lives a few miles down the road. He’s going to help us out with the farm this summer.” Grandma sat a plate in front of me on the small table and took a seat with a mug of coffee. Samuel looked up from his plate and nodded with acknowledgement.


I sat down across the table and studied him as I picked up a roll. He looked about my age, maybe a little younger, with dark brown eyes, olive skin, and black bushy hair. He wore a flannel shirt with cut off sleeves that revealed his muscular arms. Fairly cute, but obviously very rough around the edges, he chewed most of his breakfast with his mouth open and managed to burp several times as we ate. I watched as he emptied the entire platter of cinnamon rolls. It was like watching a balloon overfill with air until it popped.

A buzzing came from across the kitchen.  “Oh, I forgot to turn off the oven timer,” Grandma sat down her mug, getting to her feet.

“Got it,” Samuel said, and raised his hand toward the timer as though he were aiming and squinted his eyes. Grandma slammed his arm back down, knocking over his glass. I jumped from my chair to avoid the wave of milk that shot across the table.

“Not like that Samuel,” she said through a show of teeth as she walked to the timer and clicked it off. “Not in this house.”











« Last Edit: July 31, 2009, 01:05:56 AM by NurseJenni »

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2009, 02:32:21 AM »
Yeah, its clear he was going to use some sort of magic.

The smell of cinnamon was even stronger in the hallway, (in the section before this post, did you meantion the aroma of cinnamon? if so this works too.)

Good start, yes that would hook a reader IMO.

Skip

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Re: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2009, 09:40:47 AM »
Hi Jenni, I think this is a good scene.  The only question I have is why would his milk glass still be full at the end of breakfast?  A "wave" of milk sounds to me like a full glass and you don't mention Grandma had filled it up.  I have two boys and there is never a full glass of milk at the END of a meal. LOL

I didn't even see your question at first about if we could tell Samuel was about to do some hocus pocus on the timer and I realized right away what Grandma meant by "Not like that".  So it's clear, don't worry.   :)

Offline goldmouse5

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Re: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2009, 11:29:29 AM »
Jenni,

Great story. Is this going to be about serious majick? or is it sort of fantasy magic? I like your descriptions....very real.
JAHU

Offline Jos

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Re: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2009, 01:15:49 PM »
Yes, you can tell he's going to some sort of magic and that he's not very experienced. It seems that way to me. It's hooked me!
One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time - André Gide

Go on, buy a copy. http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-winter-of-our-mixed-content/7967165

Offline NurseJenni

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Re: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2009, 06:24:02 PM »
Hey guys- thanks so much for reading!

I'm glad you liked this scene:


Skip-She smelled the cinnamon when she woke up in her room. It's just stronger when she gets in the hall :) I couldn't post this entire chapter because it's too long.

KKW- good point, have to make Grandma refill it again before she knocks it over.

goldmouse-Thanks for the compliment- The magic in my story will be more of the fantasy sort I guess. I don't want anything to sound too cliche' or cheesy. The people in my story have had these powers since birth and they're passed down genetically. Sarah has powers too, but she doesn't know it yet ;)

Jos-You absolutely got the point of this scene. Thanks!


So happy I was able to hook ya'll<===yes I'm from Texas I use the word "ya'll"

Jenni






Offline Duke1921

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Re: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2009, 09:46:30 PM »
Jenni, really good.  I especially like the description of Samuel eating.  Found no major issues and read smooth and clear.

Duke

I shrugged on my robe and made my way to the bathroom, where my toothbrush and other necessities were already waiting. The smell of cinnamon was even stronger in the hallway,I would nix this comma and I hurried through my morning routine, brushing my teeth and smoothing my hair into a low ponytail.

“Grandma, whatever you’re making smells really-” I stopped at the kitchen door as a tall boy with dark hair stood up from the table with a  mouth full of food. Grandma stood across the large room at the stove, lifting cinnamon rolls from a pan onto a round blue platter.

“Good morning Sarah. I hope you slept well, I put your things away for you this morning, you were out like a light.” Grandma sat the plate of sticky rolls on the table in front of the boy, he looked at her with raised eyebrows. “Oh my goodness, forgive me for not introducing you two, this is Samuel. Samuel this is Sarah.”

He wiped his hand on the seat of his jeans and extended it to me. “Nice to meet you, Sarah.” 

“You too.”

He dropped back into his seat and began to devour the rolls again as Grandma refilled his large glass of milk. “Samuel’s family lives a few miles down the road. He’s going to help us out with the farm this summer.” Grandma sat a plate in front of me on the small table and took a seat with a mug of coffee. Samuel looked up from his plate and nodded with acknowledgement.


I sat down across the table and studied him as I picked up a roll. He looked about my age, maybe a little younger, with dark brown eyes, olive skin, and black bushy hair. He wore a flannel shirt with cut off sleeves that revealed his muscular arms. Fairly cute, but obviously very rough around the edges, he chewed most of his breakfast with his mouth open and managed to burp several times as we ate. I watched as he emptied the entire platter of cinnamon rolls. It was like watching a balloon overfill with air until it popped.I like the description better without this part

A buzzing came from across the kitchen.  “Oh, I forgot to turn off the oven timer,” Grandma sat down her mug, getting to her feet.

“Got it,” Samuel said, and raised his hand toward the timer as though he were aiming and squinted his eyes. Grandma slammed his arm back down, knocking over his glass. I jumped from my chair to avoid the wave of milk that shot across the table.

“Not like that Samuel,” she said through a show of teeth as she walked to the timer and clicked it off. “Not in this house.”


Offline NurseJenni

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Re: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« Reply #7 on: August 01, 2009, 11:39:55 AM »
Thanks Duke-

So glad you liked it. SInce we both write fantasy stuff, your opinon means a lot. I agree with both of your suggestion, I'll change them now.

Jenni

Offline Max Zvyagintsev

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Re: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« Reply #8 on: August 01, 2009, 09:07:15 PM »
Hi Jenni.

Descriptions were great and the story itself kept my interest through out.

Now for some comments/suggestions:  ::)

I shrugged on my robe and made my way to the bathroom, - did you mean to say "into my robe" as in this character is putting it on? "shrugged on my robe" sounds awkward to me.

where my toothbrush and other necessities were already waiting. – to avoid using the teller indicator here, I'd re phrase this as: "where my toothbrush and other necessities awaited my arrival."

It was like watching a balloon overfill with air until it popped. – hehe, I liked the simile used here.

Max

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"You fall before you learn to stand up"

Offline NurseJenni

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Re: Part of chapter 1. Sarah meets Samuel "Lineage"(447)
« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2009, 12:30:01 AM »
Hey Max,

Thanks for reading Max. I will have to rethink that line. Hmm, yes I meant that she put it on with no effort. Will probably change it.

I like the balloon thing too. It makes me think of Willie Wonka when Violet turns into a blueberry. heehee

Jenni