Author Topic: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence  (Read 1852 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« on: July 29, 2009, 08:20:57 AM »
Matt has never been to the city and I wanted to push a little information overload on purpose. Does it work like an excited reaction to a first-time expearince or just an information-dump?

* * *

... Inside the outer wall, there were taverns that had places to sit outside and watch while the men roasted pigs, or sheep in pits of hot coals.
The smells from those fires was bitter until the breeze spun through the street and the scent changed to sweet aroma. This confused Matt’s stomach, one moment he was hungry the next he was glad he didn’t have to eat any of it.
Dancers and singers entertained the crowds. People threw colorful knives into the air. Children ran through the hordes while others perched on balconies dropping pebbles.

Some of the older boys tried to drop buttons down the front of the dresses of the larger busted women when they walk past. If they were successful, they ducked inside to keep from being discovered.

Women stood in doorways in some of the alleys and talked with men that didn’t want to be seen while others were loud and boastful with their conquests of seedier notions.

The castle at the top of the hill watched this entire goings on while workers hung over the edge of the wall on ropes pushing mortar-paste into cracks or worked on top to build it’s grander.

One man twirled sticks with fire while another man put fire into his mouth. A couple of girls, barely dressed, danced like snakes between them. The shiny coins sewn to their tiny costumes temped the men that watched to grab at them and a few tried.
Matt’s head spun one way and then another trying to see everything.

Strangely dressed people from far away lands spoke unfamiliar words and led more animals Matt had never known existed before this glorious day.

Koop drove the wagon into a large open compound. There were wagons of different sizes being loaded and unloading with workers going this way and that. Matt thought they looked like the ants he used to watch. He jumped down and followed Koop into the hallway of the largest building.

A crowd gathered in jumbled lines, each man trying to be the next one to talk to the men seated at the tables. Koop patiently waited in line.

Matt quickly grew bored with waiting and walked around watching everyone.

At the other end of the large building, a doorway led out to a covered arena. There was something going on out there so Matt had to look for curiosities sake.
 
A short wall marked the edge of the sunken arena. There were so many men standing around the edge; it was like being at the back of the crowd at the street fares in Hoya. He circled the wall until he found a spot he could squeeze in between a few and watch. It took a moment for him to figure out what he was looking at, but when it sank in, he was horrified.

A horse, terrified, ran kicking and bucking. As soon as Matt looked into its eyes, The Keening filled his head with the horses screams.  The men in the arena choked the horse with a rope while they bound his legs and covered its face with a black clothe until another man with spiked boots mounted the panic-stricken horse.

The rider had a short whip with iron barbs at the ends of the short braids.

As soon as the men on the ground uncovered the hoses face, they released the ropes. The rider dug his sharp heels into the bleeding horse and whipped at his haunches.

Again, the horse screamed in pain not knowing what was expected of him so he bucked violently trying to escape this lashing.

“What are they doing? They’re killing him.”

 “No boy, they’re teaching him to accept a rider….”

In the middle of the man’s explanation, the horse threw the rider again.

The fury of Odin boiled in Matt. He vaulted over the wall, and dropped into the arena, stepping between the six men that gave chase to the bleeding horse.

The crowd cheered and booed as if they were watching the gladiators of Old-Rome. They started exchanging bets; which one of the trainers would beat down the angry teenager.

Matt balled his fists and stood his ground. The first man came straight at him and threw a punch at his head.

Matt’s anger for the horse surged and time slowed around him like the day the leopard attacked; his eyes followed the punch as if he tracked the speed of a snail. Matt weaved under the fist, stepping behind him and struck the man in the back of the head with an open palm. When the man dropped to the ground, a roar of cheers thronged with bloodlust. This let everyone know something irresistible was taking place in the arena.

The offices and courtyard cleared as everyone rushed to see what was happening.  

Koop frowned but followed everyone else. By the time he forced through the crowd, Matt had already sent the third man to the ground.
Koop’s screamed “No” but no one heard as it had been drowned out by the cheering crowd. He desperately searched for a way to reach Matt but he kept being thrown back by the growing riot.

When Matt put the fourth man down, the first two were reminded of his wrath. Matt’s feet battered them as much as his hand and elbows did. The men finally retreated from his furor and ringed around him but refused to get close to him.

Matt pivoted left and right with waiting fists for whoever chose to be next.

The crowd slowly fell silent and Koop was the only one still moving, blocked by the sheer numbers of spectators.

Offline ma100

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 30526
  • I don't need kinky boots, nothing will beat me.
Re: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2009, 05:04:04 PM »
Hi Skip

Okay mate, this piece you could make so much more of by showing the actions going on rather than telling us. I didn't have time to go through it all, but there are places that you could make so much more of. Don't get me wrong, I feel it is a good part and you could make it so much better.

Inside the outer wall, there were taverns that had places to sit outside and watch while the men roasted pigs, or sheep in pits of hot coals.

Inside the city wall, busy taverns lined the street. Men sat on benches in front of the inns and watched the cooks roast pigs and sheep in pits of hot coals.

The smells from those fires was bitter until the breeze spun through the street and the scent changed to sweet aroma. This confused Matt's stomach, one moment he was hungry the next he was glad he didn't have to eat any of it .
Not really sure what you mean here. Roasting meat has a distinctive smell and normally it’s mouth watering.
Dancers and singers entertained the crowds. People threw colorful knives into the air. Children ran through the hordes while others perched on balconies dropping pebbles.

Maybe... Jugglers

Some of the older boys tried to drop buttons down the front of the dresses of the larger busted women when they walk past. If they were successful, they ducked inside to keep from being discovered.

When successful, they...

Women stood in doorways in some of the alleys and talked with men that didn't want to be seen while others were loud and boastful with their conquests of seedier notions.

So are these women of ill repute? Describe them, what's happening? How does Matt feel about what is going on?.

The castle at the top of the hill watched this entire goings on while workers hung over the edge of the wall on ropes pushing mortar-paste into cracks or worked on top to build it ' s grander.

A castle can’t watch mate.' This' (tense) This sentence is a bit confusing .

One man twirled sticks with fire while another man put fire into his mouth. A couple of girls, barely dressed, danced like snakes between them. The shiny coins sewn to their tiny costumes temped the men that watched to grab at them and a few tried.

maybe twirled torches. Fire sticks.  Not sure what they are called.

Matt's head spun one way and then another trying to see everything.  Maybe... absorb everything

Strangely dressed people from far away lands spoke unfamiliar words and led more animals Matt had never known existed before this glorious day.

Could describe better and tense again.

Sorry I didn't have more time Skip, but the exciting bits, show us more. Show us Matt's reactions :)

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2009, 05:51:09 PM »
Ello Ma, thank you for reading this and I have a few questions for you, please.

Now you say "show" more so let me ask you this: If you saw an elephant for the first time and never knew they existed before that moment, you wouldn't turn to the blind man next to you and say, "Wow Elephants." By the same token what do you call a juggler if you don't know they are called jugglers?  And-  A castle can’t watch mate.'

What I was attempting to do, is put what he saw in his perspective, not mine. (I've seen my grandson turn a stick into an airplane that had more guns, bullets bombs and missiles than anyoe has ever seen. And to him at that moment, it isn't just a stick, its real)

I guess I didn't see the city with enough imagination through his eyes. I may need to go back and re-build this entire scene. whew
Let me give this some more thought.

Skip



 

Offline ma100

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 30526
  • I don't need kinky boots, nothing will beat me.
Re: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2009, 06:00:24 PM »
No you won't. What you have needs building on. It's good Skip all you got to do is bring it alive more. Okay so Matt doesn't know what a juggler is but you can show the wonderment.

Men threw colouful knives in the air and Matt marvelled when they caught them by the handles without slicing off a finger. (Not good but do you get my drift.)

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2009, 06:10:31 PM »
Oh, okay I thought I had already done an imformation-overload or a info dump. so I'll compleat the pictures a bit more and then repost it.

Offline ma100

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 30526
  • I don't need kinky boots, nothing will beat me.
Re: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2009, 06:17:10 PM »
Remember Skip look for bits to fill out that you can put in action to add to the excitement. Not plain description.

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2009, 06:41:42 PM »
okay, I'm on it ... I'll be back  ;D

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2009, 08:35:24 PM »
okay, I expanded it a bit more but I'll not post the fight scene again as it is now too much for one post. So here is the wagon ride into the city after I fixed it up a bit.

* * *

Matt tried to see everything all at once. The people bustled, the noise of the markets sounded like a battle. Wagons and horses were everywhere. There were large, fat animals with long spikes growing out of their face. They had noses as long as a horse’s tails. Some even had tents built on their backs. Grandpa would never believe him if he told him about these strange beasts.

Koop didn’t drive the wagon down those crowded streets but as they passed them, the noise felt as though they were being yelled at by a mob of angry people. There were people walking around with great burdens on their backs selling items on the two bridges that crossed the dry gullies.

After Koop crossing the first drawbridge, he had to drive the wagon through a gateway that had a large spiked iron gate hanging overhead.

Matt grimaced as they passed under the monster-teeth thinking the gate might accidentally fall just as they passed under it.


Inside the outer wall, there were Inns and taverns that had places to sit outside and watch while the men roasted pigs, or sheep in pits of hot coals.
The aroma from those fires was sweet until the breeze spun through the street and the scent changed to a bitter stench. This confused Matt’s stomach, one moment he was hungry the next he was glad he didn’t have to eat any of it.

Dancers and singers entertained the crowds. The sounds of different songs mixed all around them adding to the confusion. People threw colorful knives into the air and caught them without cutting themselves. Children ran through the hordes while others perched on balconies dropping pebbles.

Some of the older boys tried to drop buttons down the front of the dresses of the larger busted women when they walk past. If they were successful, the boys ducked inside to keep from being discovered in their shame.

Women stood in doorways or hung half way out of windows in some of the alleys. They laughed and talked with men that didn’t want to be seen while others were loud and boastful with their conquests.

Whatever the women were selling, they didn’t display their wares on blankets on the street as most other merchants did, but insisted the customers go inside to have a look.

Matt really didn’t care about whatever they were selling but enjoyed the fact they barely covered themselves.

The castle at the top of the hill watched over this entire goings on while workers hung over the edge of the wall on ropes, pushing mortar-paste into cracks or worked on top to build it’s grandeur.

One man twirled sticks with fire while another man put fire into his mouth. A couple of girls, barely dressed, danced like snakes between them. The shiny coins sewn to their tiny costumes temped the men watching them to grab and a few tried.

Matt’s head spun one way and then another trying to see everything. He lost his balance for a moment and quickly san back down.

Koop chuckled and bumped Matt with his shoulder. “Slow down boy, you’re gonna brake you’re neck. Now tell me, are you sorry you came with me?”

Matt smiled big and shook his head, “No.”

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, wait till the season of joust, it’s not quite so boring.”

Matt jerked his head back around to look at Koop as if he’d lost his mind, “Boring?”

Koop chuckled and tried to push him off the wagon.

Strangely dressed people from far away lands spoke unfamiliar words and led animals Matt had never known existed before this glorious day.

Koop drove the wagon into a large open compound. There were wagons of different sizes being loaded and unloading with workers going this way and that.

Matt thought they looked like the ants he used to watch. He jumped down and followed Koop into the hallway of the largest building.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2009, 08:44:19 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline Max Zvyagintsev

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1729
  • Welcome to my World! Now go home
Re: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2009, 02:38:41 AM »
Hi Skip.

I enjoyed reading about the description of the castle although I feel you've tried to rush it and tell it to us rather than show. I'll explain more in the comments below.

There were large, fat animals with long spikes growing out of their face. They had noses as long as a horse’s tails. – sounds like very exotic beasts. Just a thought, I would have mentioned maybe how it made Matt feel, or what the beast reminded him off. Just to add that extra detail.

Wagons and horses were everywhere. – I would also add, if they were left deserted maybe? Or possibly just stood aimlessly in the crowd?

The aroma from those fires was sweet until the breeze spun  - watch how many "was" and "were" you use in this chapter. This is a describing scene but take your time. Don't rush into describing every little thing. In this sentence "was" could be easily re placed with "smelt"

Matt thought they looked like the ants he used to watch. – I'd cut and rephrase this sentence a bit: "Matt thought they looked more like ants."

Max 
"The World doesn't owe you anything, it was here first"

"You fall before you learn to stand up"

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Raging Fury Hand of Vengence
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2009, 05:20:39 PM »
Hey Max, I stayed up all last night and rebuilt that scene. because this thread was getting jumbled with my skipping back and forth, I started it freash on a new post.

Skip