Author Topic: Buoys  (Read 2894 times)

Offline actpoet1

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Buoys
« on: May 13, 2006, 11:36:31 AM »
I snap awake most nights like a backfire and shriek, certain
his piston is ramming inside me again. Then Id bolt to the
shower. Lock the door. And rake the inside
of my thighs until I struck blood. But still his
fingerprints rise like a buoy and hook the
memory of that night in my eyes. So Id leap

out and rush on my jeans and shirt, as my shoulders
would heave in heavy sobs like his piston that stabbed my flesh
seeking its oily prize. Then Id tiptoe to

my sons crib and hold him. But tonight I saw his face and slid
a cover over my sons nose. Turning, I sprinted

to the left side of the kitchen sink. His formula bottles
floated like buoys. I held them under until their last
bubble of air gurgled out. Stumbling back

back to his crib with the slow
deliberation of a yawning drawbridge, I heard him snap awake
with a shriek, sensing his last bubble of air
may gurgle out this time. 

SAY8
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Lin

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Re: Buoys
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2006, 12:24:09 PM »
Oooo er!!  Strong stuff.   I would have written the new lines starting with capital letters and perhaps allowed some meter to the story.   I found it a little disjointed and felt that the verses were more designed as a story than actual prose or poetry.


It was an interesting concept and one could argue that it's your poem and you can do what you like with the way it is written,  and I wouldn't argue with that, but seeing you are asking for a review then I would suggest making it look either poetic or prosaic instead of a story.

I hope this helps, its not easy to review on powerful verse, it's a case of reviewing on the way it is written rather than the words used.


Offline actpoet1

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Re: Buoys
« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2006, 05:20:52 PM »
Thank you, I will take your advice into consideration.
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline caliban1

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Re: Buoys
« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2006, 10:43:28 PM »
Bryn, my friend, I am sure we all understand how clever you are, but we might want to get to know you better before you get drunk upon your self again.

Take care,
Caliban
It is all a metaphor.

Offline actpoet1

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Re: Buoys
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2006, 12:27:59 AM »
Bryn:

Please read my revised version...

To be honest, I didn't really get your comment. Please read the other version and comment -- sober.

Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline randomElf

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Re: Buoys
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2006, 06:53:14 AM »
A really powerful poem to be sure. Personally I prefer this version to the revised one - flows better to me with the lines following on smoothly from the last. And the first line / comparrison works better. I imagined that if  jammed beneath a polluted lake, it would be difficult to snap my head up, unless you mean it's just below the water's surface. Whereas backfire makes me think: sudden shock - snapping awake.

You have a fantastic way with images -  'deliberation of a yawning bridge' - BRILLIANT!

2nd stanza, 2nd line, how do you think it reads from the first line without the word 'would' ?

I agree with Bryn - the seeking its oily prize line might not fit. In such a forced encounter, perhaps more dry, not wet.

You have a wonderful poem here and far from mundane (I don't think we'll ever see prose from you entitled SPRING TIME, which is great) it evokes many feelings. Disturbing, and yet I'm forced to lend myself to a compassionate understanding of her plight. I'm against what she might do and sympathetic at the same time - great contrast. Plus the reader is left in suspense with the whole will she / won't she effect.

Nice one.

Offline Bryn

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Re: Buoys
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2006, 10:56:02 AM »
Kindly excuse that last post. I did put in most of that entry but after the first 'Bryn' at the end i had a little 'help' from a friend here who has a limited appreciation of poetry. He has been chastised.

I will look at the more recent version.

Sorry about that people.

Bryn.

Offline actpoet1

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Re: Buoys
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2006, 07:56:27 PM »
RandomElf,

thanks for your comment. I'm starting to believe my poetry has a life outside of my mind. Posting here has changed my outlook on my work.

Thanks for that. Yet, please continue to be honest. If I post something that sucks, let me know.

Good day.
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm