Saphia, I do see what actpoet is saying, but a poem can be prose broken up into shorter lines. The technique creates rhythm and causes the reader to look at a simple statement in a different way. I have seen some of your poems where that works pretty well. You do have something to work with here. I think the first stanza is stronger than the second which does go a bit flat. I wonder if you worked at least one clear image into the first stanza if you could not perserve the appeal of your simple language and at the same time make the poem more vivid. Hmmm, just thinking it is late for me. Anyway, keep at it, I like reading your postings.
Caliban
