Author Topic: Help, Why Does My 16 yr old Daugther Hate These 2 Pages?  (Read 4418 times)

Offline checksixproductions

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Help, Why Does My 16 yr old Daugther Hate These 2 Pages?
« on: June 29, 2009, 05:18:08 AM »
This is a one-and-a-half minute pickup for my indie movie.  The rest of the movie is already produced and on www.youtube.com/user/checksixproductions (click on the movie then HQ to watch in high quality).  

After receiving critques on Yahoo answers, which I may go to if this website remains so inactive.  I decided to add a pickup before rolling titles and am looking for your opinions before I finalize the pickup and go into production.  BTW, I am already cast as Van Dad and my wife is already cast in a different role, not Van Mom.  My daughter aspires to be an model and actress and is cast as Brunella, the vampire, and usually has a good sense for a good script.  Do not understand why she hates these two pages.

The pitch:  Have you ever felt you had to continue a family tradition?  Even if it might kill you?  Eight-year-old Van Dexter continues his family tradition of slaying vampires.  Will it kill him?

This is a shooting script so camera direction is included.

You can see the eight minute movie on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktvWBKxFl_M

Be sure to check the HQ box for higher resolution.


VAN DEXTER, VAMPIRE SLAYER - SHOOTING SCRIPT

FADE IN:

0.0 EXT. POOL WIDE ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT   0.0

VAN DAD and VAN MOM are supine by the beach entry, smooching, From Here to Eternity style.  In the background is a baby carriage.

0.1 EXT. POOL - NIGHT   0.1

0.2 CLOSE UP ON VAN MOM.   0.2

VAN MOM
Say this will never end.

0.3 CLOSE UP ON VAN DAD.   0.3

VAN DAD
Everything ends.

0.2 CLOSE UP ON VAN MOM.   0.2

VAN MOM
If you loved me...
(a beat)
... you’d lie to me.

0.3 CLOSE UP ON VAN DAD.   0.3

VAN DAD
This moment will never end.
Behind Van Mom, a pair of shoes land. 

0.4 TWO SHOT OF A PAIR OF BLACK CLAD VAMPIRE BAD GUYS.   0.4

SID
Van Dad Industries.

MARTY
The industrial slaying of vampires.

SID
Well, your days of industry are over.

Van Dad and Van Mom arise as they speak.  They are both in awesome shape and have six-pack abs. 

0.5 TWO SHOT OF VAN DAD AND VAN MOM   0.5

Sid and Marty attack.  Van Dad and Van Mom are both experts at kung fu.  They evade getting their feet stomped on.  They kick, block, punch.  They miss, they connect.  They roll over eachother’s backs. 

0.6 AT THE BABY CARRIAGE, NANCY LANDS.   0.6

0.5 TWO SHOT VAN DAD AND VAN MOM IN MID FIGHT   0.5

VAN MOM
She’s after our baby!

Van Dad turns, does a round the arm maneuver to an elbow to Sid’s nose, dazes him, then rushes over to the baby carriage.  Sid and Marty grab Van Mom and fly away.

0.6 AT THE BABY CARRIAGE, NANCY.   0.6

Nancy laughs and flies away.  Van Dad checks to see the baby is unhurt, then turns as he sees...

0.55 SID, MARTY AND VAN MOM INFLIGHT   0.55

... and hears Van Mom scream in pain as Sid and Marty tear her apart in mid flight.

VAN DAD
Aaaaaarrrrggggghhh!
(then more gently)
No.

0.0 WIDE SHOT OF CRUSHED VAN DAD ON HIS KNEES.   0.0

Coyotes howl.

0.7 P.O.V. FROM INSIDE THE BABY CARRIAGE.   0.7

Van Dad looks inside.

VAN DAD
We’ll get them.  We’ll get them all.  This moment will not end.
(a beat)
Van Dexter.

FADE OUT.

ROLL TITLES AND THEME MUSIC.  “A LEGACY FROM FATHER TO SON, THE DIRTY WORK THAT MUST BE DONE...”
« Last Edit: July 01, 2009, 06:32:58 AM by checksixproductions »
Visit my youtube channel:  www.youtube.com/user/checksixproductions
Visit my website:
www.garytangmusic.com

Offline Aldarinn

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Re: Help, Why Does My 16 yr old Daugther Hate These 2 Pages?
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2009, 07:41:27 AM »
Perhaps she hates it because of the Van Mom being ripped apart scene? This portion sure is dark, and I don't much like it either. By the way why do the baddies go after the baby? Also Van Mom has a Terminator-like six pack?  :o
Why are they called apartments, when they're all so stuck together? Huh? ???
The lies become the truth- Michael Jackson(Billie Jean)

Offline checksixproductions

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Re: Help, Why Does My 16 yr old Daugther Hate These 2 Pages?
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2009, 03:29:32 AM »
Aldarinn

Thanks for your reply.  Actually, my daughter suggested the ripped apart scene.  I just had the vampires flying away with Van Mom.  But truly, it needed a close, because that is the last we'll see of Van Mom.  Except when Van Dad mentions her as dead and that vampires took her.

The baddies go after the baby because they are stalemate with Van Dad and Van Mom at fighting, I'll make that more clear in the rewrite.  Van Mom has a Linda Hamilton, Terminator six-pack to show she is capable of defending herself.

Thanks again for your reply and have taken your critique to heart.

Check out the rest of the movie, 8 minutes, and click HQ for High Quality, and let me know what you think:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktvWBKxFl_M

Check.
Visit my youtube channel:  www.youtube.com/user/checksixproductions
Visit my website:
www.garytangmusic.com

Offline Flmngo

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Re: Help, Why Does My 16 yr old Daugther Hate These 2 Pages?
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2009, 11:43:32 AM »
Check,

Well, I don't think the scene is hateful and I understand this is more action oriented. However, a bit more dialogue might help.

If the fight is a stalemate, could we then see a shot of Nancy wildly considering her options, and then evilly settling on the baby? Also, if Dad then handles Nancy - in another action shot - then Sid and Marty have to come up with a new way to break the resolved stalemate. Again, if we see that instant of decision. Mom is all concerned about the baby, she's not paying attention. Dad has just handled Nancy, perhaps heading to end her. Sid and Marty need a distraction and grab Mom. Dad turns. Nancy laughs and gets away. Dad stands there, lost. The three vampires fly into the sky with a struggling Mom. They make some statement of challenge or this is what happens when you meddle - then tear Mom apart.

Baby cries. Dad grabs baby...says his ending line and the scene ends. Oh, and I think you have to him him holding the baby. Not just looking inside the carriage.

Just my two coppers.
"There is little grace in a life that never extends beyond the boundaries of self."

Offline checksixproductions

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Re: Help, Why Does My 16 yr old Daugther Hate These 2 Pages?
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2009, 03:58:50 PM »
Flmngo:

Really lucid and awesome critique.  I'll return the favor when I see your posts.

Check
Visit my youtube channel:  www.youtube.com/user/checksixproductions
Visit my website:
www.garytangmusic.com

Offline andkarena

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Re: Help, Why Does My 16 yr old Daugther Hate These 2 Pages?
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2009, 09:26:36 AM »
yes Flmngo has good instincts. Also dialogue is cliche. I know it was intended, BUT in short dialogue it must be avoided unless you are looking for slapstick.
VAN MOM
Say this will never end.

0.3 CLOSE UP ON VAN DAD.   0.3

VAN DAD
Everything ends.

0.2 CLOSE UP ON VAN MOM.   0.2

VAN MOM
....something more clever here would work...maybe, "wow, so romantic. can't you lie?"

0.3 CLOSE UP ON VAN DAD.   0.3

VAN DAD
This moment will never end.
Behind Van Mom, a pair of shoes land. 

Then at the last maybe "This moment will never end ... until they do." or something more articulate and clever. Needs to be new and surprising.

Offline Zahir

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Re: Help, Why Does My 16 yr old Daugther Hate These 2 Pages?
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2009, 08:36:01 PM »
I would guess she hates it because, if you boil it down, its a romantic scene and teenagers don't like to think of their parents (or people who are old enough to be parents) as romantic.  That's probably why she suggested the ripped apart scene - to put the focus on the action and take it off the romance.  I bet if the scene was between two teenages (oh say....Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) she would like it more.   ;D