Author Topic: 1st 4 pages Complete Rewrite. 3 High School Girls wish all the boy away...  (Read 4521 times)

Offline checksixproductions

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The pitch is: Have you ever wished for all your problems to go away?  Three high school girls with guy problems wish all the men away and get their wish.  The result is world chaos.  Can the girls bring the guys back and restore world order?  Despite themselves?

GUYLESS

FADE IN:

EXT. POOL/UNDERWATER - DAY

AUDIO is muted as if listening underwater.  Atheletic, teen-girl legs are kicking, treading water.  A hand grabs AIMEE by the bosom of her one- piece, varsity waterpolo bathing suit.  The hand is holding her underwater.  Besides being altheletic, tanned, we don’t see a lot of her underwater, but her swim cap has the number 9 on it.  Aimee grabs the girl’s bathing suit by the crotch, transfers her foot to the crotch hand-hold, punches the girl in the bosom for good measure, then legs the girl underwater and Aimee goes...

EXT. POOL/ABOVE WATER - DAY

AUDIO is a frenzy of sounds: COACHES shouting “DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE!  HOLE SET, WATCH THE HOLE SET!  DON’T LET HER SHOOT!”, PLAYERS commanding directions “MARIE, I’M OPEN!  STAY ON THAT GIRL!  DON’T LET HER TURN YOU!  WATCH THE BALL, WATCH THE BALL!”,  CHEERLEADERS cheering, FANS yelling their daughters/girlfriends’ names.

Aimee orients herself.  The game clock has 20 seconds remaining and the score is tied.  She is by the opposing team’s goal on the wing, near the crease.  #7 MARIE has the ball in front of the goal.  She is beating off two defense girls in front of her, she spies Aimee.

MARIE
(voice of command)
Aimee!  Caitline!  Split Two, Split Two!

Aimee pushes off her girl, who is still underwater, and sprints to the opposite side of the goal behind Marie seemingly giving up her key position in the crease.

#6 CAITLINE, in the other crease, attempts to sprint away, but her girl grabs the back of her one-piece.  Marie, as if having eyes in back of her head, yells out:

MARIE
Caitline, break loose, break!

Caitline’s girl’s back is to her, hyperextended, trying to hold on.  Caitline glances at the referees who are not looking.  She reverses direction and punches the girl in the back the head--Caitline is free!  The opposing fans leap to their feet in protest, pointing fingers.  The referee has no idea.  Caitline drives inside of Marie to the crease where Aimee was.  Caitline arrives first because Aimee had to swim behind Marie.

Marie looks at Aimee and throws to Caitline.  She catches the ball in the air, fakes a goal shot, the goalie is right there, but not faked out.  One of Marie’s defenders moves to intercept Caitline.  Caitline’s defensive cover is out of position trying to watch Aimee and Marie, unsure whether to break off and cover Caitline.  Aimee’s cover is doing the same.  Marie is jockeying position on her remaining one.

Five seconds to go.  Caitline lobs to Aimee.  Aimee gets out of the water up to her belly button, catches the ball in the air then sinks back.  Marie has already started to break to the goal while her defender’s eyes watch the ball.  Aimee pushes out of the water to her belly button faking the goal shot, the defenders and goalie are in position against her.  Instead, Aimee hard lobs the ball across the net toward Caitline.  Marie powers out of the water almost to her crotch and spikes the airborne ball into the open right side of the net!  The crowd goes wild!  The Aimee’s dad, the coach makes a touchdown punch motion and kicks!  The endgame buzzer sounds loudly!  Joyously.

EXT. POOL/ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

An enormous banner reads:  The Division 3 High School Women’s Varsity Waterpolo League Finals.  Almost summer in Inland Southern California.  The stands are full, others are standing, walking, the concession stand and girls bathroom have a gi-normous lines.  The boys bathroom is empty, the door ajar.  Girls wave the air in front of the noses as the they pass it.

ANNOUNCER (V.O)
Great Oak wins against longtime rival, Murrieta Valley!  What an upset!  The Division Three, High School Women’s Waterpolo League Finals have a new Champion!  Great Oak High School!  Thanks to the unstoppable teamwork of Captain Marie Brisé, Co-Captains Aimee Demihart and Caitline McDonovan!

SERIES OF TIGHT SHOTS - THE CROWD

A)  Our team is low-fiving the losing Murrieta Valley team who are in tears.
B)  Atheletic girls, laugh and stream by in team bathing suits.
C)  Too cool, moody girls walk with long team jackets that double as towels.
D)  Exhausted players sitting in a circle are listening intently to their focused, driven coaches.
E)  Waterpolo T-Shirts declare:  Oxygen is Overrated.  H20 Polo:  Two Parts Heart, One Part Obsession.

EXT. POOL -DAY

HAYDEN a clean, good-looking senior athlete, is face-painted and holding a sign that reads, “#7 Marie is #1”.  Marie turns, John Travolta Grease style, then broadly smiles to him.  Aimee, the girl Marie was talking to, smiles at seeing him, but her smile falls seeing Marie wave to him.  As the girls towel their hair, we get a good look at them.

Marie is Eurasian, self-made.  She beat out Aimee as team captain even though Aimee’s dad is varsity coach.  Aimee is blonde, blue-eyed, the image of popularity.  Caitline is also blonde, blue-eyed not as pretty as Marie or Aimee and more overweight.

Very subtly in the background throughout this, All You Get From Love Is A Love Song, by the Carpenters is playing.

Our three girls, Aimee, Marie, and Caitline are animatedly reliving the best game of their lives, when Marie’s French-American father, KURT, way over-dressed, but not for his high-powered real estate office, arrives with an expensive camera in hand.

KURT
You girls were awesome out there!  What a team!  Let’s get a team picture!  Hey, pick up those waterpolo balls.
The three girls pose showing off their manicures. Kurt shoots the picture.

MARIE
Did you see that game, dad?  We were rockin’--

AIMEE
Rockin’ and...

MARIE, CAITLINE, AIMEE (UNISION)
... a Rollin’!!!

CAITLINE
Mr. Brisé, did you see our winning goal?  It was, like, the End All!

KURT
Of course, I saw it.  It was awesome!  What a play.

MARIE
Which play, Dad?

KURT
Your awesome play!

MARIE
How did the play go, dad?

KURT
Like yours always go, spectacular!

MARIE
Who scored, dad?

KURT
You’re all part of the team, everyone scores when someone... scores.

MARIE
How dumb am I.  You just got here.  You didn’t even see us win.  The League Finals, Dad.  My last year as Captain of the team.

Marie turns and walks away.

KURT
I just signed a big deal at the office, cherie, it couldn’t wait... You girls understand, when her Mother died, well, there just isn’t that much time anymore.
Kurt does not follow Marie.

Aimee and Caitline’s Moms and Dads break through the wall of extras and hurry over to congratulate their daughters.  Aimee’s parents have four-year-old boy Toby in tow, Caitline’s have five-year-old Sally.  Kurt Brisé eyes his camera, at least he remembered to bring that.  He avoids eye contact with Aimee and Caitline, thankfully his cell phone rings the cingular PDA ringtone.  He turns away before the other parents arrive.  We see that Aimee’s dad is the coach and Caitline’s dad is the announcer.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

TITLES AND THEME MUSIC
« Last Edit: June 27, 2009, 10:46:37 PM by checksixproductions »
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Offline ma100

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Hi Check

I am not very good with scripts, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I think you have the start of a good thing and the only advice I can give you is to plan out your story and add characters as and when you need them.

The shots I feel you should leave to the director.

Your actions have a lot of wondering, thoughts etc. You have to show this in action.

Quote
but each catching furtive glances at Aimee because she is so hot.
here for instance. Most of the boys steal furtive glances at Aime
Quote
e.

Aimee is ready to leap into his arms.
Does she leap into his arms, we can't see her getting ready too.

Hope this helps Ma. :)

Offline checksixproductions

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Hi Ma:

Thanks for your reply.  I like the way you modified the two quotes and completely see how they don't work well.  Sometimes I miss the obvious when I am too close to the script.

I should have clarified that the shot descriptions are in there because I am the director and this will become the shooting script.  The wondering and thoughts are a great point and shouldn't be in there, but they remind me of how to cue the actors. 

Thanks again!
Check
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Offline Artistic

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Hi. I've just read your script. It looks good but I noticed  a couple of things I'd like to bring to your attention. About the shots and camera angles, I agree with Ma100. Leave them to the director, unless you plan to shoot the script yourself.
I have to confess, I irritate a lot of people with my normal plea: " Keep the rules."  I'm not a perfectionist but in the industry some of these things are taken very seriously. If you don't mind lets take a look at:

Action description: In your action description you should be careful to describe only what is seen and only what happens on the screen. You come across anything we don't see or have to imply like,
"She seems distracted"  or "Marie shoves by Hayden and to say she is cold to him is to say Alaska has a little ice", cut it out or else show her distraction in the action description.
Your dialogue is very good but at times too "wordy". Keep it tight, terse. And by the way, the ideal is no single snippet of dialogue should exceed the length of your thumb. Apart from that, here's a tip: Effective dialogue should move the story forward, reveal emotional stakes and create tension. Tension and conflict are what keeps you story mobile.

About expanding it to 113, pages I suggest you throw in a different challenge that forces the girls to bring the boys back only... throw in an obstacle.

All the best!
Rejection and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.

Offline checksixproductions

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Artistic:

Thank you so much for the review it has really helped me:  I especially like the thumb length rule for dialogue and your:  "Effective dialogue should move the story forward, reveal emotional stakes and create tension." 

Conflict, conflict, conflict, that is what story-telling is about how soon we forget the basics... Thanks again for recentering me for the rewrite.  By the way, I am modifying the script to reflect the rewrite I did, if you woudl, please give it another read.  I would appreciate your sage comments.

Also, I should have clarified in the preamble that I will be shooting this script myself and the screenplay you've read is going to be the shooting script:  that's why the camera angles, etc, are included.  The directions to the actors:   "Marie shoves by Hayden and to say she is cold to him is to say Alaska has a little ice", are also for me as Director.

Thanks once again,
Check.
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Offline Artistic

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Hi Check,
This now looks great. I love it...and best of all your story is now almost entirely told in the action description. Best of luck with the shooting!
Rejection and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.

Offline checksixproductions

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Hi Artistic:

Thanks for the critique, I tried to incorporate your advice because it was right on.  We so often get too close to our to see the other side and rarely take critiques in and incorporate them, but that is exactly the reason I joined this circle.  I put the music video number in later and shortened it as into a suborinate scene, and may even cut most of it.

With this rewrite, I made Marie the main character as hero-villian (ala Troy), and will develop Aimee, Hayden and Caitline more.  Stay tuned for more rewrites... look forward to hearing from you.

Hey diid you catch my other post:

Help, why does my 16-year-old daughter hate these two first pages of my rewrite...

Please critique if you can,

Check
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Offline Artistic

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I'll take a look a soon as I get some free time. I'm so damn excited I can't think right at the moment. I heard from a friend of mine yesterday and the prospect of getting a script job has definitely got me dancing in circles but...once get over it, I'll, well, take a good look. All the best though.
Rejection and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.