Author Topic: You.  (Read 997 times)

Offline creature

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You.
« on: June 19, 2009, 07:14:46 AM »
I stopped believing in you. I want to tell you this, sometimes. Write you a letter. Let you know that you’re not pulling one over on me. This need to always be one step ahead. This need to see everything before it comes. This need to classify and simplify and evade what you have coming.

What do you have coming, for me?

I saw a bald eagle in a tree, two days ago. Close to its nest which is huge and I stare up at almost every evening. There were people gathered under the branch it was perched on, which is why I ever noticed it in the first place. People staring up at it doing nothing on a branch. Looking this way and then, thirty seconds later, looking that way.

All of the space inside of thirty seconds.

All of these people staring up at an eagle and I joined them, sure. Hoping it would open its wings. Hoping it would fly. Hoping it would swoop down to scoop up some small furry thing that never saw it coming.

There are birds all over the place. They are outside my window every morning. Looking this way and, thirty seconds later, looking that way.

The importance we attach. The wonder we create. The lessons I never learn.

These are the things I always want to tell you.

I have been having nightmares. You are in them and you are in them and you are in them too. I blame myself, for these things. I blame myself, always. I am pointing fingers. My guts twist up.

I cry out for you, in the night. Without words but with sounds that wake people up to say, “What’s wrong.” So that I have to say, “Nothing.”

I write you letters. I write you letters to say, “I miss you.” I write you letters to say, “I love you.” I stop writing letters, when you ask me to. I write you again in a year, to let you know that I haven’t forgotten.

The prayers I give to leaves I rip off trees. To water that stays still and has fish in it. To clouds that cover everything like the apocalypse is coming. To books with yellow pages. To the little holes that form in my clothes. “Come back.”

You. There are five of you. I count you, when I am walking alone. I find you, in the places I can. I sing songs to you, until I am out of breath.

I do. I do. I swear, I do.

http://www.nativeseas.com/2009/06/16/you/

Offline Max Zvyagintsev

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Re: You.
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2009, 06:22:48 PM »
I like your writing style Creature. Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece!

Saying so, there are several things I'd like to comment on:  ::)

This need to always be one step ahead. – I believe you need a comma after "need" as with a pause it flows better.

This need to see everything before it comes. This need to classify and simplify and evade what you have coming. – Same thing here as a above. Generally, I would sort of combine these sentences like this: "This need, to always be one step ahead. To see everything before it comes. To classify, simplify and evade what you have coming." See if this works for you.

What do you have coming, for me? – I feel this is not necessary as it's simply repeating the sentence above.

I saw a bald eagle in a tree, two days ago. – If you wish to keep the comma I would recommend switching the two sides. "Two days ago, I saw a bald eagle in a tree."

I stare up at almost every evening. – Sorry, this line confused me. What did you mean to say?

Which is why I ever noticed it – "never" would be best suited here instead of "ever"

People staring up at it – people staring up at what exactly? What is "it" in this sentence?

You are in them and you are in them and you are in them too. – Consider re phrasing this. Sounds like a lot of repetition to me.

Once again, great piece. I like the whole "2nd person" narrative you have here, I'm loking forward to reading more of your work.

P.S: introduce yourself on the welcome board since you haven't yet already. Get a warm welcome  ;D

Max
"The World doesn't owe you anything, it was here first"

"You fall before you learn to stand up"

Offline Hypothesis

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Re: You.
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2009, 06:26:53 PM »
What do you have coming, for me? – I feel this is not necessary as it's simply repeating the sentence above.


Actually, I think this part is other than what you are thinking, like the person in question must always know what is going on regarding them (the what you have coming bit, which probably should be reworded to make the target more clear) but keeps the narrator in the dark about their plans for her/him.

Over all this is in interesting piece but a bit too vague for me. What is the point here?
"Waste not, want not. Work not, eat not. Laugh not, heal not. Write not, live not." ~Hypothesis

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: You.
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2009, 06:39:02 PM »
Creature,

Please visit the Welcome Board and introduce yourself as a new member.

You will be given a link to the forum's guideline when we would appreciate you reading and following. It helps make it a friendlier and more productive forum for all.

Thank you,
Alice
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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

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I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline pb

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Re: You.
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2009, 07:13:18 PM »
this is one of the best things i've read in ages

there are more questions than answers, which is fine by me.

by the way max what is second person?

Offline pb

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Re: You.
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2009, 07:18:45 PM »
by the way i think MAYBE the power in the eagle spending 30 seconds to cover THIS WAY AND THAT WAY is lost when all the birds do it too. i thought it showed the eagle was...err...calm, unhurried, fearless? all the birds i see look this way and that every second.

i like the way you then say it's amazing the eagle covers the space so quickly.

Offline Max Zvyagintsev

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Re: You.
« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2009, 07:29:46 PM »
Quote
by the way max what is second person?
- it's when the narrator makes you a character in the story. e.g: You walk towards a place or you do this or that. - I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure that's it. 

Not commonly used as the first person or 3rd person but can be just as effectful.

- Hope you understood what I meant.

Max
« Last Edit: June 19, 2009, 07:31:43 PM by mz001 »
"The World doesn't owe you anything, it was here first"

"You fall before you learn to stand up"

Offline pb

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Re: You.
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2009, 07:37:11 PM »
ok cheers