Author Topic: REview My Script  (Read 1586 times)

Offline judgie

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REview My Script
« on: June 19, 2009, 06:24:19 AM »
Hi,

 I completed this script 2 and a half years ago and decided to come back to it. please read through the whole script and let me know your thoughts.

SCENE 2. JACOBS ESTATE AGENTS Ė TUESDAY
THE WEEKLY TEAM MEETING IS ABOUT TO
COMMENCE, ROB IS IN THE BACK OFFICE
MAKING TEA, JAMES, DIPTESH, ALEX AND ANNA
ARE ALL SITTING ROUND ALEXíS DESK, ALL
ARE CHATTING AMONGST THEMSELVES
ALEX BOUNCES HAND ON KNEE THEN SLAPS
BACK OF HAND ON JAMES SHOULDER
ALEX:
JAMES HOW DID THE VIEWING GO LAST NIGHT?
JAMES:
YEAH GOOD, THINK THEY MIGHT PUT A OFFER IN, OH YEAH AND ROB COME OUT WITH ANOTHER CLASSIC
TURNS TO ROB
YOU NEED TO ENGAGE THIS
POINTS TO BRAIN
BEFORE YOU OPEN THIS
POINTS TO MOUTH
ROB:
AH I LOVE GIVE US A CLUE, WE PLAY IT EVERY CHRISTMAS, DONíT START WITHOUT ME
ALEX LOOKS AT JAMES IN BEMUSEMENT
ALEX:
RIGHT PEOPLE LETS GET GOING
TRICKY STROLLS INTO THE OFFICE LATE AGAIN
TRICKY:
MORNING ALL, YOU CAN START THE MEETING
NOW IíM HERE
JAMES:
THANK FUÖ.
LOOKS AT ANNA, AND DECIDES TO CHANGE HIS
WORDING
Ö.GOD FOR THAT, THOUGHT WE MIGHT
HAVE TO CANCEL
TRICKY:
WELL NO NEED, ĎTRICKY THE MANí IS IN THE
HOUSE
ANNA:
ANNA GLANCES AT JAMES THEN WHISPERS
KNOB
TRICKY SEEíS ANNA LOOK BACK AT HIM AND
THINKS SHEíS GIVING HIM THE EYE SO HE
NODíS AND WINKíS, ROB BRINGS EVERYONE
TEA ON A TRAY, HE SLIGHTLY STUMBLES BUT
LUCKILY DOESNíT SPILL TOO MUCH
ALEX:
RIGHT PEOPLE CAN YOU BRING ME UP TO
SPEED WITH WHATS GOING ON?
ROB TAKE THE MINUTES
ROB:
YEP
ALEX:
SALES AND FIGURES IS WHAT IíM AFTERÖ TRICKY?
TRICKY:
TWO LETTINGíS ONE SALE
SITS BACK SMUGGLY, PULLS A FACE AND
NEARLY FALLS OFF HIS CHAIR
ALEX:
GOOD
TURNS TO JAMES
ALEX BOUNCES HAND ON KNEE THEN BACK OF
HAND SLAPS JAMES ON SHOULDER
HOW BOUT YOU?
JAMES:
BIT SLOW THIS WEEK ONE LETTING, BUT IíM
PRETTY HOPEFUL ABOUT LAST NIGHTíS
VIEWING
ALEX TURNS TO SEE ROB STARING INTO SPACE
ALEX:
OK, ROB CAN YOU RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN? ROBíS STILL STARING INTO SPACE
ROB ERT
JAMES NUDGES ROB
ROB:
EH, WHAT YEAH
JAMES LEANS OVER TO ROB
JAMES:
HE ASKED IF YOU KNOW HOW TO WAVE LIKE
THE QUEEN
ROB THEN LIFTS HIS RIGHT HAND AND MOVES
IT IN A SIDE TO SIDE MANNER
ALEX:
DIPTESH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE THE
MINUTES
DIPTESH NODS
WHAT HAVE YOU SOLD THIS WEEK DIPTESH?
DIPTESH:
ERR
BEFORE DIPTESH GETS TO SPEAK SCENE
FADES AWAY. IT FADES BACK TOWARDS THE
END OF THE MEETING.
END OF SCENE

SCENE 3 JACOBS ESTATE AGENTS
ALEX:
THANKS EVERYONE, WE NEED TO GET A FEW
MORE LEADS GOING ANNAíS WAY, BUT OTHER THAN THAT ITíS GOING QUITE WELL, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. ANYONE ELSE HAS GOT ANYHING TO ADD
JAMES:
AL HAVE YOU SEEN MOVE RIGHT HAVE OPENED UP IN THE HIGH STREET, IT LOOKíS PRETTY GOOD, CAN SEE THEM BEING ABIT OF COMPETITION FOR US?
ANNA:
YEAH THEY DO LOOK GOOD, CLEAN OFFICE, GOOD PAINT JOB AND NICE UNIFORMS,
TRICKY:
DONíT KNOW BOUT UNIFORMS, BUT THE BIRDS INSIDE THE UNIFORMS ARE PROPER BUFF
ROB:
 I DONíT THINK THE BIRDS IN THERE ARE
ROUGH, AND THEIR WEBSITE IS WICKED, THEY
HAVE GOT LOADS OF HOUSES ALL OVER THE
COUNTRY ON THERE AND EVEN SOME OF OUR
HOUSES ARE ON THERE.

THEY SEEM CONFUSED BY ROBíS COMMENTS
JAMES:
NO THATíS RIGHT MOVE, YOU WISH BUS KID,
MOVE RIGHT IS A NEW ESTATE AGENTS, YOUR
SUCH A BELL END SOMETIMES
ALEX:
YEAH, IíVE HEARD OF THEM, THEIR A BIG COMPANY, GOT A LOT OF MONEY BEHIND THEM, BIT OF COMPETITION NEVER DID ANY HARM, JUST MEANS WE HAVE TO BE MORE ON THE BALL, ANYONE GOT ANY NEW IDEAS TO BOOST SALES.
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND START
THINKING ABOUT NEW IDEAS
ALEX:
RIGHT OK QUICK BRAIN STORM THROW IDEAS
AT ME. ROB GO.
ROB:
WELL THE HOUSES UP NORTH ARE A LOT
CHEAPER, HOW ABOUT WE BUY SOME OF THEM
AND SELL THEM DOWN HERE.
JAMES:
OH ROB YOU ARE SO YOUNG
PAUSE
AND POINTLESS, HOW ABOUT TRY AGAIN
ROB:
OK THEN, WE CAN PUT A BIG POSTER UP SAYING WE SELL HOUSES
JAMES:
GOOD ONE, DO YOU THINK THAT SHOULD BE IN
BLUE OR RED?
ANNA:
AH LEAVE HIM ALONE AT LEAST HE IS GIVING IT
A GO.  HE IS ON THE RIGHT TRACKS,
WE DO NEED TO GENERATE MORE BUSINESS,
MAYBE WEíRE NOT ADVERTISED ENOUGH. HOW
ABOUT ADVERTISING MORE IN THE PAPER
ALEX:
WE DO HAVE A FORTNIGHTLY SPREAD, BUT
MAYBE WE COULD GO WEEKLY, AND LARGER AD SPACE, TRICKY YOU KNOW THE GIRL IN
THERE QUITE WELL DONíT YOU, MAYBE YOU COULD GET US A DEAL
TRICKY:
I DO BUT SHE IS RUBBISH.
ANNA:
YOU WOULD SAY THAT SEEING AS
SHE STOOD YOU UP THE OTHER NIGHT.
TRICKY:
AT LEAST I HAD A DATE
ANNA:
WELL NOT REALLY SHE STOOD YOU UP
EVERYONE STARTS TO LAUGH AT TRICKY
GETTING STOOD UP
ALEX:
OK CALM DOWN, DIPTESH ANY THOUGHTS
DIPTESH:
YEA
CUT OFF: JUST AS DIPTESH BEGINS TO SPEAK.
END OF SCENE

SCENE 4. JACOBS ESTATE AGENTS
ALEX IS JUST LEAVING THE OFFICE TO GO TO
THE OTHER ESTATE AGENTS IN THE NEARBY
TOWN, DIPTESH AND JAMES ARE SITTING AT
THEIR DESKíS ON THE PHONE, ROB IS EAGERLY
WATCHING AND LEARNING FROM JAMES,
TRICKY IS SITTING TALKING TO ANNA AND
BLATENTLY FLIRTING WITH HER
ALEX:
RIGHT IíM OFF TO SEE HOW THE OTHER MOB ARE GETTING ON, ANY PROBLEMS GIVE ME A CALL, AND TRICKY LEAVE THE POOR GIRL ALONE
TRICKY:
NO PROBS BOSS, IíLL HAVE HER UP FOR
HARRASEMENT IF SHE KEEPS ON AT ME
AS ALEX IS WALKING OUT A CUSTOMER WALKS
IN. TRICKY JUMPS UP
TRICKY:
WELCOME TO JACOBS, YOU LOOK LIKE
SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEIR AFTER?
THE CUSTOMER ANSWERS IN A SARCASTIC WAY.
CUSTOMER:
WELL IíM AFTER A HOUSE!
TRICKY COMPLETELY MISSES THE SARCASM  
AND CONTINUES HIS SALES SPEAK.
TRICKY:
GOOD, YOUíVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE
TRICKY LEADS THE CUSTOMER OVER TO HIS
DESK .
SCENE CUTS TO JAMES AND TRICKY, JAMES IS
JUST FINISHING A CALL
JAMES:
OK SO THATíS ONE OíCLOCK THIS AFTERNOON
PAUSES
YEP NO PROBLEMS IíLL SEE YOU THERE MR THOMAS
JAMES PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND TURNS TO
ROB
RIGHT, MY YOUNG APPRENTICE, WE HAVE WORK TO DO, FISRT GRAB THAT TEABOYDO
ROB:
WHATíS A TEABOYDO
JAMES:
MAKES TEA, AND YES I WILL HAVE ONE THANKS
ROB GETS UP TO MAKE THE TEA AGAIN.
ROB:
I ALWAYS DO THAT. LET ME DO SOMETHING
THAT DONíT INVOLVE MAKING TEA.

JAMES:
OK I WILL HAVE A COFFEE, ONLY KIDDING SIT
DOWN. I WAS SPEAKING TO ALEX EARLIER
ABOUT SOMEONE GOING TO SPY ON MOVE  
RIGHT, TO SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING
DIFFERENT TO US. WE WERE GOING
TO GET DEEPGASH TO DO IT, BECAUSE HE HAS
GOT THE GIFT OF THE GAB, BUT AS HEíS A
FACE AROUND THESE PARTS THEY MIGHT
RECOGINSE HIM.
ROB:
YEAH TRUE.
PAUSES FOR THOUGHT
WHOíS DEEPGASH?
JAMES:
DEEPGASH DONíT YOU MEAN DIPTESH, WHY DO
YOU KEEP CALLING HIM DEEPGASH, YOU HAVE
A FILTHY MIND.
ANYWAY YOU UP FOR DOING THAT THEN.
ROB:
DOING WHAT
JAMES:
ROB JUST GET A PEN AND PAPER AND WRITE
THIS DOWN.
YOUR GRANDPARENTS HAVE DIED ANÖ..
ROB IS UPSET WITH HIS NEWS THAT HIS
GRANDPARENTS HAVE DIED.
ROB:
NANNY MOLLY IS DEAD, WHAT HAPPENED AND
WHEN. DID SHE SUFFER?
JAMES:
NO NUMNUTS THIS IS THE STORY YOU ARE
GOING TO COME UP WITH.
ROB STILL A BIT CONFUSED, NEEDS TO  
DOUBLE CHECK THAT HIS GRANDPARENTS ARE
OK.
ROB:
ARE MY GRANDPARENTS ALL RIGHT THEN?
JAMES:
I DONíT EVEN KNOW THEM. JUST SHUT UP AND
LISTEN.
YOUR GRANDPARENTS HAVE DIED AND LEFT
YOU MONEY AND YOU ARE LOOKING TO BUY A
HOUSE.
END OF SCENE

SCENE 6- JACOBS ESTATE AGENTS
ANNA, TRICKY AND DIPTESH ARE ALL IN THE
OFFICE. TRICKY IS TALKING TO A CUSTOMER
ANNA DECIDES TO TALK TO DIPTESH WHILE
SHE IS WAITING FOR HER APPOINTMENT.
DIPTESH HAS JUST TOLD ANNA A JOKE AND
THEY ARE BOTH LAUGHING.
ANNA:
YOU ARE SO FUNNY DIPTESH, I DONíT KNOW
HOW YOU REMEMBER ALL THESE JOKES. OH
BEFORE I FORGET WHAT TIME IS MY NEXT
APPOINTMENT.
DIPTESH LOOKS THROUGH HIS DIARY
DIPTESH:
WO
ANNA:
DONíT WORRY THIS MIGHT BE THEM NOW
MR AND MRS WILSON WALK THROUGH THE
DOOR. MR WILSON IS IN A WHEELCHAIR
HELLO CAN I HELP YOU.
MRS WILSON:
HI, WE HAVE A MEETING WITH ANNA REGARDING OUR MORTGAGE.
ANNA:
IíM ANNA, PLEASE TAKE A SEAT, I MEAN PARK YOURSELF, ER WELCOME
MR AND MRS WILSON LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN
DISGUST. ANNA WHEELS MR WILSON OVER TO
HER DESK BUT LEAVES HIM FACING THE
WRONG WAY. MRS WILSON SEEíS THIS AND
TURNS MR WILSON ROUND THE RIGHT WAY
MRS WILSON:
RIGHT, WELL HAVE YOU GOT US A GOOD DEAL AS PROMISED
ANNA:
I CERTAINLY HAVE, BUT WOULD YOU LIKE A TEA BEFORE WE START
MRS WILSON:
YES PLEASE MILK WITH NO SUGAR FOR BOTH
ANNA:
IS HE GONNA BE ALRIGHT WITH A CUP, I CAN GET A BEAKER IF THAT WOULD BE BETTER
MR WILSON:
NO ITS OK IíLL BE FINE WITH A CUP, MY ARMS WORK PERFECTLY WELL THANK YOU.
ANNA:
OH YOUR ONE OF THOSE THAT CAN SPEAK, SORRY IT JUST FREAKS ME OUT, YOU KNOW A LIFELESS BODY AND YET YOU CAN HEAR WHELCHAIR PEOPLE TALK (EEERRRR). ANYWAY IíLL GO AND MAKE THE TEA.
CAMERA PANS ROUND BACK TO TRICKY WHOíS
ON THE PHONE
TRICKY:
AH BABE, DONíT BE LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW YOUíRE MY SPECIAL GIRLÖÖ.HELLOÖÖ..HELLO
TRICKY LOOKS ROUND THE OFFICE TO SEE IF
ANYONE HAS NOTICED, DIPTESH LOOKS AT HIM
AND SMIRKS,
NAH THATíS FINE, ITíS A LITTLE GAME WE HAVE, SHEíLL RING BACK IN A MINUTE
PHONE RINGS
SEE, TOLD YA, HI BABE WHAT WAS IT A BAD RECEPTION
PAUSES
OH SORRY, HI ALEX, YEAH WELL NAH, YEAH, IT WONíT HAPPEN AGAIN SORRY, NO JAMES IS OUT AT A VIEWING, HE SENT ROB ON THAT MYSTERY SHOPPER THING THOU, BUT HEíS BEEN GONE HOURS, OK MATE IíLL GET HIM TO CALL YOU, WILL YOU BE ON YOUR MOBILE, NO WORRIES BRUV.  
JUST AS HE HANGS UP THE PHONE ANNA WALKS PAST AND THE CAMERA FOLLOWS HER BACK TO HER SEAT.
ANNA:
THERE YOU GO
MR WILSON:
THANKS, SO WHAT HAVE YOU GOT FOR US?
ANNA:
WELL THIS IS THE BEST RATE ON THE HIGH STREET, YOU COULD WALK INTO ANY PLACE, WELL YOU COULD WALK.
AS SHE POINTS AT MRS WILSON, THEN POINTS AT MR WILSON
YOU PROBABLY COULDNíT
MR AND MRS WILSON LOOK AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS AT EACH OTHER
END SCENE
SCENE 9 TRICKY AT 42 ELM STRRET
TRICKY PULLS UP IN HIS CRAP CAR THAT IS
LOWERED, BLUE LIGHTS UNDERNEATH AND
YOU CAN HEAR SIMPLY THE BEST PLAYING
FROM HIS CAR.
TRICKY:
SORRY IíM LATE I COULDNíT GET THE BLUE
LIGHTS WORKING.
(HE POINTS TO THE LIGHTS ON HIS CAR)
MRS MUNCHKIN:
THATíS OK, WE HAVENíT BEEN WAITING LONG.
TRICKY:
OK GOOD, THIS IS THE BEST HOUSE I HAVE EVER HAD TO SELL. 3 BEDROOM TERRACED, NEAR THE STATION AS REQUESTED
(CAMERA PANS TO THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR
THEN THE STATION NEXT TO THAT)
MR MUNCHKIN:
IDEALLY WE WANTED A SEMI, AND I KNOW WE
SAID WALKING DISTANCE, BUT WE MEANT LIKE 5
MINUTES AWAY. ALSO THERE IS NO PARKING




TRICKY:
MINOR DETAILS REALLY WHEN THERE IS A
BEAUTY LIKE THIS FOR SALE. TELL YOU WHAT
IíM SO CERTAIN THIS PLACE WILL SELL ITS SELF,
YOU GO IN, TAKE A BUTCHERS AND IíLL BE
IN 10 MINUTES, THEN YOU CAN ASK ME ANY
QUESTIONS AND I WILLÖ..

(MAKES HIS HAND GO LIKE A PLANE TO FINISH HIS SENTENCE)
END OF SCENE
SCENE 10 TRICKY IS OUTSIDE ON HIS PHONE
TRICKY:
DONíT HANG UP ON ME LIKE THAT, THEY ALL
SAW IN THE OFFICE
PAUSE
ALRIGHT GIRL I HAVE TO GO. I AM SHOWING
ROUND A COUPLE OF BIG INVESTORS MASSIVE
CLIENTS OF OURS, AND THEY WILL ONLY DEAL
WITH ME.

TRICKY HANGS UP THE PHONE AND WALKS IN TO THE HOUSE.
SEE TOLD YA, JUST WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR,
GO ON TELL ME IíM WRONG.

MRS MUNCHKIN:
YEAH ITíS NICE, JUST NOT SURE ITíS WHAT WEíRE AFTER
TRICKY:
COURSE IT IS, TELL ME WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK.
MR MUNCHKIN:
WELL IT IS NOT A SEMI AND THE NOISE FROM TRAINS. NO PARKING AND I COULD GO ON.
TRICKY:
FAIR ENOUGH, HOLD ON, LISTEN
PAUSE
CAN YOU HEAR THAT?
MRS MUNCHKIN:
WHAT (WHISPERED)
TRICKY:
YOU CANíT HEAR ANY NOISE FROM THE TRAINS THAT IS WHAT IS SO GOOD ABOUT THIS PLACE.
MRS MUNCHKIN:
THERE ARE NO TRAINS GOING PAST AT THE MOMENT.
TRICKY:
YEAH COURSE THERE IS
JUST AS THEY SAY THAT A TRAIN GOES PAST
AND IS REALLY LOUD, TRICKY COUGHS LOUD
TO TRY AND HIDE THE NOISE FROM THE TRAIN.
BUT THE TRAIN NOISE DROWNS HIM OUT.

MR MUNCHKIN:
WHAT ABOUT THAT TRAIN, YOU CAN HEAR THAT QUITE WELL.
TRICKY:
ONE WORD FOR YOU AND THAT WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING. DOUBLE GLAZING
MRS MUNCHKIN:
ITíS JUST NOT WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR SORRY
TRICKY:
BUT ARE WE ON THE RIGHT TRACKS
GETTING ANNOYED WITH TRICKY
MR MUNCHKIN:
NO
TRICKY:
WELL I THINK YOU ARE THROWING AWAY THE DEAL OF THE YEAR HERE. I THINK YOU SHOULD GO AWAY AND THINK ABOUT THIS PLACE, I KNOW IF I WERE YOU I WOULD.
MR MUNCHKIN:
THIS JUST ISNíT WHAT WE ARE AFTER. WHY DONíT YOU BUY IT, IíM SURE YOU CAN GET A GOOD DEAL.
TRICKY:
NAH I WOULDNíT BUY THIS HOUSE YOUR HAVING A LAUGH
MRS MUNCHKIN:
WHYS THAT THEN?
TRICKY:
WHY, OK 3 REASONS 1. NO PARKING 2. THE NOISE FROM THE TRAINS WOULD DO MY HEAD IN AND 3 THE BLOKE THAT LIVED HERE LAST KILLED HIMSELF.
END OF SCENE

SCENE 11 ROB IN DISTRESS:
ROB IS SITTING ON FLOOR OUTSIDE LOCAL PUB
ĎCALLED THE ALCA Ė HOLEí HE HAS HEAD IN
HANDS AND HIS CRYING, TWO POLICEMEN
PULL UP IN THEIR CAR, AND WALK OVER TO
SEE IF HE IS OK, AS THEY THINK HE IS DRUNK
POLICEMAN 1
HELLO HELLO HELLO WHAT WE GOT ERE THEN
POLICEMAN 2
THEY ONLY SAY THAT IN THE FILMS
POLICEMAN 1
I KNOW IíVE JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT, WELL THAT AND FOLLOW THAT CAR
ROB
MUMBLING AWAY TO HIMSELF, BARLEY ABLE
TO MAKE OUT WHAT HE IS SAYING
I CANíT BELIEVE IT WHAT AM I GONNA DO
POLICEMAN 2
WHAT WAS THAT YOU NEED A BIG FAT POO
POLICEMAN 1
I THINKíS HEíS ONE OF THEM ILLEGALíS
ROB
MUMBLES
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME AT JACOBS.
POLICEMAN 2
STILL NO CLEARER MATE, YOUR GONNA HAVE TO CALM DOWN
POLICEMAN 1
ITS COLD OUT HERE LETS GET HIM DOWN THE STATION, THEN AT LEAST WE CAN HAVE A CUPPA WHILE WE SORT THIS OUT
ROB CONTINUES TO SOB AND MAKE NO SENSE,
SO THEY DECIDE TO TAKE HIM DOWN THE NICK,
AND WAIT FOR HIM TO CALM DOWN, THEY LIFT
HIM UP AND TAKE HIM TO THERE CAR.
END SCENE
NEW SCENE 12 JACOBS ESTATE AGENTS
JAMES, ANNA AND DIPTESH ARE TALKING
ABOUT ROB. HE HAS BEEN GONE FOR 3 HOURS.
DIPTESH HAS JUST SAID A JOKE ABOUT ROB
BEING SLOW AND JAMES IS LAUGHING. BUT
ANNA IS MORE WORRIED WHERE ROB HAS GOT
TO. AND HAS A GO AT DIPTESH
ANNA:
THATíS NOT FUNNY, HE HAS BEEN GONE FOR
AGES, I AM GETTING REALLY WORRIED NOW.
TRICKY ARRIVES BACK TO THE OFFICE
JAMES:
HOW DID IT GO?
TRICKY:
DONE DEAL, BUT ONLY IF THEY CAN RAISE THE EXTRA CASH.
DIPTESH IS BEHIND TRICKY PULLING A FACE
AND NODDING HIS HEAD AS IF TO SAY YEAH
ALRIGHT MATE, TOWARDS JAMES AND ANNA,
AND KEEPS DOING IT WHILE TRICKY HAS HIS
BACK TO HIM.
JAMES:
NICE ONE BUT I THOUGHT THEY WANTED A SEMI
TRICKY:
THEY DID, BUT ONCE I TURNED ON THE OLD TRICKY CHARM, I SOON HAD THEM EATING OUT OF ME HANDS.
JAMES:
ANYWAY, YOU AINíT SEEN ROB HAVE YA?
TRICKY:
WHY AINíT THE RICHARD BRANSON EMPLOYEE BACK YET?
JAMES:
YOU CAN TALK YOU WERE 3 OR 4 YEARS OLDER THAN HE WAS BEFORE YOU LEFT THAT COMPANY
TRICKY:
NO I BANGED THAT FAT BIRD BEHIND THE BIKE SHEDS WHEN I WAS 16.
ANNA AND JAMES SARCASTICALLY ANSWERS
BACK
ANNA:
SHE SEEMS NICE.
JAMES:
AND THEN SHE SAID NEXT
ANNA TURNS THE CONVERSATION BACK
ROUND TO FIND ROB
ANNA:
COME ON I AM GETTING REALLY WORRIED ABOUT ROB, DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD GO AND LOOK FOR HIM.
TRICKY:
I AINíT GOING ITíS HIS OWN STUPID FAULT, HAVE YOU TRIED HIS MOBILE
JAMES:
COURSE WE HAVE, BUT ITíS TURNED OFF, DONíT WORRY, ME AND DIPTESH WILL GO AND LOOK.
END OF SCENE

NEW SCENE 14 JACOBS ESTATE AGENTS
ANNA IS TALKING TO TRICKY ABOUT ROB.
ANNA:
I AM JUST GOING TO TRY ROBíS PHONE AGAIN.
TRICKY:
HAVENíT YOU TRIED THE BALL PIT DOWN AT THE WHACKY WAREHOUSE, HE ALWAYS GOES DOWN THERE, HE SAID HE GOT THE TOP SCORE ON MRS PACMAN.
ANNA:
OK I WILL TRY THERE AND YOU CALL JAMES
TRICKY:
OK.
END OF SCENE












SCENE 15 JAMES ANSWERING HIS PHONE IN THE STREET
TRICKY AND ANNA BOTH PICK UP THE PHONES
TO MAKE THEIR CALL, IT CUTS TO JAMES.
JAMES:
HELLO MATE,
PAUSE
NAH STILL NO JOY.
PAUSE
ANNAíS ON THE PHONE TO WHO.
NAH TRIED THERE, WE ALSO TRIED THE ADVENTURE PLAYGROUND BUT NO JOY. I WILL BE THERE IN 2 MINUTES I WILL TALK TO YOU THEN.
END OF SCENE





SCENE 16 JACOBS ESTATE AGENTS.

TWO POLICEMEN WALK IN WITH ROB. TRICKY
QUICKLY RUNS OUT THE BACK TO HIDE. BUT
BEFORE HE LEAVES HE TURNS TO JAMES
TRICKY:
JAMES IF IT IS ABOUT THAT BIRD TELL THEM
SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS OVER 16
POLICEMEN 1:
HI DOES THIS LAD WORK HERE
ANNA:
YES MR POLICEMEN AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE DOWN MY DETAILS AS WELL.
POLICEMEN 1:
WHY YOU HAVENíT DONE ANYTHING WRONG HAVE YOU
ANNA:
NOT YET, BUT WHAT IF I GRAB HOLD OF YOUR HELMET.
POLICEMEN 2:
NEVER MIND ALL THAT. WE FOUND THIS YOUNG LAD CRYING ON THE STREET. HE KEPT SAYING JACOBS JACOBS. AND WE THOUGHT SOMEONE HAD KICKED HIM IN THE NUTS.
JAMES:
SORRY OFFICER WE WILL LOOK AFTER HIM NOW IT WONíT HAPPEN AGAIN.
POLICEMEN 2:
SURE, I HOPE YOU CAN GET OUT OF HIM MORE THAN WE COULD.
THE POLICE THEN GET A CALL ON THERE
ROVER. AND NEED TO LEAVE
ANNA:
CALL ME
TRICKY RE-ENTERS THE OFFICE. JAMES IS ON
THE PHONE ALEX TO TELL HIM ROB IS BACK

ANNA:
ARE YOU OK DARLING, DO YOU WANT A DRINK
ROB:
CAN I HAVE A TEA?
ANNA:
DIPTESH BE A LOVE AND MAKE HIM A TEA WILL YOU
BEFORE HE SAYS YES THE CAMERA GOES TO
JAMES ON THE PHONE TO ALEX.
JAMES:
HI MATE ROB IS BACK
PAUSE
OK I WILL PUT YOU ON SPEAKER
HELLO CAN YOU HEAR US.
ALEX:
YES, HI EVERYONE
EVERYONE:
HI ALEX
JAMES:
SHUMA NUM NUM
WHICH IS SAID AT THE SAME TIME.
ALEX:
ROB CAN YOU GIVE US AN UPDATE ON WHAT YOU FOUND OUT TODAY.
ROB:
WELL I WENT IN AND TOLD THEM WHAT JAMES TOLD ME TO SAY.
DIPTESH COMES BACK WITH THE TEA AND ROB
STARTS DRINKING IT.
ALEX:
RIGHT GO ON
ROB:
WHAT
ALEX:
WHAT HAPPENED?
ROB:
WHEN
ALEX:
AGGRESIVELY
TODAY AT MOVE RIGHT
ROB:
OH YEAH, WELL IT DIDNíT START OFF TO WELL, BECAUSE I WALKED IN, SAT DOWN AND I SAID YOUR GRANDPARENTS HAVE JUST DIED AND LEFT YOU A LOT OF MONEY.
JAMES:
NO YOU DONUT YOU GOT THAT THE WRONG WAY ROUND.
ROB:
YEAH THATíS WHAT SHE SAID TO ME, BUT SHE SAID I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, YOU MUST BE VERY UPSET WITH YOUR LOSS, SHE THEN PASSED ME A TISSUE
JAMES:
IS THAT WHY YOU STARTED CRYING THEN?
ROB:
NO I GOT AWAY WITH THAT. WHAT HAPPENED THEN, SHE STARTED ASKING ME LOADS OF REALLY DIFFICULT QUESTIONS LIKE WHAT SORT OF HOUSE AM I LOOKING FOR. SO I SAID A SEMI DETACHED FLAT WITH A CONSERVATRY, SO SHE STARTED LAUGHING AT ME.

ANNA:
IS THAT WHY YOU WERE CRYING?
ROB:
NO I GOT AWAY WITH THAT, BUT I STARTED TO GET REALLY NERVOUS, THEN TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE I NOTICED MY GRANDPARENTS LOOKING IN THE WINDOW, WHICH MADE ME PANIC EVEN MORE, AND I SHOUTED OUT I DONíT KNOW THEM OLD PEOPLE, BUT THEY WAVED AT ME.
TRICKY:
IS THAT WHY YOU WERE CRYING?
ROB:
NAH I GOT AWAY WITH THAT, BUT BY NOW I DIDNíT KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING, AND SHE STARTED GIVING ME HER SALES PITCH, IT WAS REALLY CONVINCING, AND AS SHE WENT TO HAND ME A FEW HOUSES TO LOOK AT, I LENT OVER TO GRAB THEM BUT KNOCKED MY TEA ALL OVER HER DESK.
ALEX:
IS THAT WHY YOU WERE CRYING?
ROB:
NO NO I GOT AWAY WITH THAT
ALEX:
HOLD ON A MINUTE, WHY WERE YOU CRYING?
ROB:
BECAUSE I THINK I HAVE JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE.

THE END





Offline judgie

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Re: REview My Script
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2009, 08:41:44 AM »
I would enjoy any feedback you have as to whether i should continue to complete the script.

I have had to remove some scenes due to the size of the document.


Offline checksixproductions

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    • Checksixproductions on youtube.com
Re: REview My Script
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2009, 07:38:59 AM »
JUDGIE:

WHEN YOUR SCRIPT IS ALL CAPITALS IT MAKES IT HARD TO READ.  IF THE WINDOW DOES NOT TAKE THE FORMAT YOU WROTE IT IN, ATTACH A PDF FILE SO IT IS NOT SO HARD TO READ LIKE THIS TEXT IS HARD TO READ.

That being said.  You might want to refresh your memory on standard story format:  3 acts, Scenes make up Acts.  Act One is just before the big conflict of the story and is very short, Act Two is the Hero's struggle to overcome the conflict and the end of Act Two is when all the Hero's best efforts fail to suceed.  Act Three is when the Hero recognizes a weakness in the villian that was known, but not recognized before by the Hero, who uses it to defeat the Villian and win a victory celebration where the Hero basks in victory, but often times bittersweet because the victory cost the Hero dearly.

Hope it helps, read my post "3 girls wish all the men away..." and comment.

Thanks, Gary
Visit my youtube channel:  www.youtube.com/user/checksixproductions
Visit my website:
www.garytangmusic.com