Jed, I read through your synopsis and this part of your novel, and it's an intriguing story and a very strong novel idea. I'm impressed with your writing. You have some wonderful dialogue and characters that cause me to care about them.

One suggestion: Are you familiar with the scene/sequel method of writing? As I read, I wasn't clear on the scene goal in this passage. It seems to me that you have one, but that you might not be focusing on a single goal in each scene, and readers need to know exactly what the character wants in each scene in order to root for her and hope she gets it--usually only to have their hopes dashed, which keeps them reading. 

You've created a lot of good complications and tension, but I think that you might make a single scene goal clearer to readers. You can read more about this here: http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.html and other articles about scenes are listed on this page:http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/creative-writing-help.html