Author Topic: Zara's locks  (Read 1268 times)

Offline blink...

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Zara's locks
« on: May 29, 2009, 03:15:25 AM »
Zara's locks


In the Beauty salon
Rosa Chers
After the tinkling bell
Zara enters

'A quick trim'
She demands
She takes a seat
And behind her I stand

I finger her locks
Blonde, smooth, straight
Silky in my hands
A scissor's bait

I imagine with long
These locks for display
for someone else to wear
Who has a lot to pay

SLowly, I start snipping
A lock floats away
Cutting ALL the hair
Was a resistance to stay.

But I had to! Had to!
I could restrain myself no more
I needed those gold locks
Resisting was a chore

I cut more, and more
Longer locks fall
voila I finished
ANd Zara was bald.

'Oh no!' I thought
'Zara lost her hair!'
And when she finds out
She's going to be a scare

Sure enough, soon
Zara turns around
Lifts a hand to feel her head
Guess what she found!

'My hair!' She screams
'Oh no! Why!'
She starts a melodrama
To scream a lot and cry.






Hows this poem, guys?I need feedback! Thanks. Hope it was funny, lol.

♥~Gina~♥
-----------------------------------------
“A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.”
~ William Faulkner
{Death is the Beginning of a new Phase}

Offline eric

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Re: Zara's locks
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2009, 03:42:54 PM »
It is funny, I thought it was kinda charming really.  I'll give you a more complete review in a while, and correct your many errors, heh, just kidding, ok, I'm not.  But the lines I like best were the last two.  To scream a lot and cry, heh heh.
« Last Edit: May 29, 2009, 03:44:39 PM by eric »

Offline blink...

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Re: Zara's locks
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2009, 02:04:12 AM »
Lol thanks a lot. Okay,. I'm waiting.
♥~Gina~♥
-----------------------------------------
“A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.”
~ William Faulkner
{Death is the Beginning of a new Phase}

Offline eric

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Re: Zara's locks
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2009, 09:21:49 AM »
heh, okay, I have learned to my regret what happens when one keeps a woman waiting.  I'll do a review for you this morning (in the next few hours).

Offline eric

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Re: Zara's locks
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2009, 12:19:25 PM »
Zara's locks, a review


In the Beauty salon
Rosa Chers
After the tinkling bell
Zara enters

A sweet, idiosyncratic piece.  I wouldn’t use the italics (or, later, the underlining).  It starts a bit clunkily ... not sure who Rosa Chers is, maybe the name of the salon, but that is a “male” syllable at the end, and you try to rhyme it with a “female” syllable in L4, which doesn’t work very well.  It is pretty humorous, though, to rhyme to “females” together ... so change Rosa’s last name to some two-syllable word that has its accent on the first syllable.

Your capitalizing the first letter of each line follows the old convention but it is hackneyed and a  bit counterproductive.  Switch to caitalizing only the first letters in the sentence and in proper nouns (like Rosa’s name) ... you’ll like it better, I think.

'A quick trim'
She demands
She takes a seat
And behind her I stand

Here you have a little problem with meter, which is very important in humorous pieces, although less so (or differently so) in more serious poetry.  Just work on this, I can’t suggest a fix right now, but if you concentrate you’ll come up with something.

I finger her locks
Blonde, smooth, straight
Silky in my hands
A scissor's bait

I imagine with long
These locks for display
for someone else to wear
Who has a lot to pay

Not sure what you mean by “with long” in L1 of the above strophe ... maybe longing?  You could probably fit that extra syllable in there, but maybe see what you really want to say there first.

SLowly, I start snipping
A lock floats away
Cutting ALL the hair
Was a resistance to stay.


Not sure where you’re going with the tense change here ... you’re telling a story but you need to be more careful with it.  Looks like you’re trying to meet that rhyme too hard.  And “resistance” is an abstract noun ... which you want to avoid.  So you might want to re-write here.

But I had to! Had to!
I could restrain myself no more
I needed those gold locks
Resisting was a chore

Heh.

I cut more, and more
Longer locks fall
voila I finished
ANd Zara was bald.

Along with the tense change, your rhyme scheme falls down a little here ... would it be funnier to rhyme “felled” and “bald”?  Or what you might think.

'Oh no!' I thought
'Zara lost her hair!'
And when she finds out
She's going to be a scare

Heh.

Sure enough, soon
Zara turns around
Lifts a hand to feel her head
Guess what she found!

Another tense change here, you need to fix that, but heh.

'My hair!' She screams
'Oh no! Why!'
She starts a melodrama
To scream a lot and cry.

I would add a syllable to L2 ... maybe an “and?”

This seems to be your first MWC poem, so welcome to our boards.  Hope to see more.

Offline coco pops

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Re: Zara's locks
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2009, 10:16:32 AM »
I found this poem very funny - the names Rosa and Zara for me instantly gave it an Italian feel (I have Italian relations) which is very fitting with Zara's character who appears to be both demanding and vain and prone to dramatics at the end, all of which only help us to feel no sympathy.  I really enjoyed it.

Offline blink...

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Re: Zara's locks
« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2009, 12:13:05 AM »
oh jeez thanks :)
♥~Gina~♥
-----------------------------------------
“A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.”
~ William Faulkner
{Death is the Beginning of a new Phase}