Author Topic: Who's The Best  (Read 1486 times)

Offline grammieof5

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Who's The Best
« on: May 25, 2009, 11:26:12 PM »
 :) this is a children storybook.   
One morning Mrs.Mouse was getting ready to go to the market.She wanted it to be a quick trip and she knew when her children heard about her plans,they would all want to go too. She also knew if the kids went it wouldn't be a quick trip. She thought up a plan to only bring one child with her. She gathered the children together and said " I'm going to the market. Who wants to go with me?" Just as she expected, all her baby mice shouted" Me!Me! ME!Pick me Mom!". Mrs Mouse put her plan into action." I want you each to get one item for me and, the first one who comes back with the item gets to go with me to the market"
Mrs Mouse then said, " Colleen, will you go get my basket for the market? Jaiden, will you go get my purse from the bedroom? Austin,will you go get money for the market from your Daddy for me? Paisley ,Please Can you go fetch my coat from the closet? And lastly,Jake will you get the keys for the car? First one back gets to the market with me.  Get ready ! Get set! Go!
 The children scattered in all directions to get the items for their Mother. Of course being children they got sidetracked. Colleen went to the kitchen and picked up the basket .On her way back she saw Mom's cell phone and thought Mom might need it, so she picked it up. She sighed, It might make me late but Mom should have it just in case of an emergency..
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 Let me know what you think please. Thank you for looking at it.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2009, 12:29:07 AM by grammieof5 »

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2009, 12:49:05 AM »
Grammie, I have a few suggestions, mostly about formating.  It's been awhile since I've read stories for the very young children, which I take this one to be; but if memory servers, they are generally broken up into short paragraphs and also separated when another character is speaking.

I'll attempt to show you what I mean.



:) this is a children storybook.   

One morning Mrs.Mouse was getting ready to go to the market.She wanted it to be a quick trip and she knew when her children heard about her plans,they would all want to go too.

She also knew if the kids went it wouldn't be a quick trip. She thought up a plan to only bring one child with her.

She gathered the children together and said " I'm going to the market. Who wants to go with me?"

Just as she expected, all her baby mice shouted" Me!Me! ME!Pick me Mom!". Mrs Mouse put her plan into action.

"I want you each to get one item for me and, the first one who comes back with the item gets to go with me to the market"

Mrs Mouse then said, " Colleen, will you go get my basket for the market?

Jaiden, will you go get my purse from the bedroom? Austin,will you go get money for the market from your Daddy for me?

Paisley ,Please Can you go fetch my coat from the closet?

And lastly,Jake will you get the keys for the car?

First one back gets to the market with me.  Get ready ! Get set! Go!"

The children scattered in all directions to get the items for their Mother. Of course being children they got sidetracked.

Colleen went to the kitchen and picked up the basket .On her way back she saw Mom's cell phone and thought Mom might need it, so she picked it up. She sighed, It might make me late but Mom should have it just in case of an emergency..
.
 Let me know what you think please. Thank you for looking at it.

It's clear there is more to the story, but I think this is a good start. I liked the fact that you went into Colleen's character a bit by showing that even though it might make her late and thus, miss out on the trip to the market, she took the time to pick up her mother's phone in case she might need it.

Keep at it and I think you'll have a good story here.
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Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2009, 12:58:59 AM »
Ah, I just commented on your other one.
the lack of characterisation still stands. I'm not sure about the ending... I understand what you're trying to do, but stopping to get a cell phone even though it would make her late isn't really something that will stand out, or mean much to kids.
There needs to be a moral, a purpose, something to think about.
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Offline grammieof5

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2009, 01:07:08 AM »
Pretzelgirl, thanks for reading it and if I had posted all of the story you would have your moral of the story but I thought we were only posting a sample of the story. I did post it twice first time I hit send by accident. Not sure how to take it off. thanks for the feedback.

Offline grammieof5

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2009, 01:08:55 AM »
Thank you for the input. i will try to correct it. You are right I have it all written already. I i need to separate the paragraphs when she is speaking to each child. Right? I am glad you gave me an idea about what to do to fix it. I am glad you liked it. I have several I am working on one is the story of twin mice that were born on Christmas Eve. This is a series of stories about the twins Christopher Joseph & Josephine Christmas. they can be a handful.

Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2009, 01:30:10 AM »
O - nevermind, i thought that was the whole story, it being a children's story.
Which age range are you targetting this at?
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Offline grammieof5

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2009, 01:41:56 AM »
that's okay , I am thinking about K-3rd grade. That would be 5 to 8 yrs old. My grandchildren all liked it and they are 5 and 10 .My oldest grandaughter is 11 she said it's cute grandma but it's for Jaiden's age. So i am thinking definately younger than 11.lol

Offline PretzelGirl

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2009, 01:51:53 AM »
Younger than 11, yes, but for children younger than 7 this would be very hard to read, and too long, if they are to read it themselves.
Otherwise, an adult would have to read it to them for them to get the most enjoyment from it.
When you look at books for kids 5-7, there are like 2 lines per page and about 5 pages.


This is just from a teacher's perspective  ;D
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Offline grammieof5

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2009, 02:33:24 AM »
Thanks Prezelgirl,
 that is exactly want i want it to be . A book parents can read to the children,like a bedtime story or maybe something a teacher could read for storytime.Maybe even a library story hour. You know change the voices, have a flannel board of characters and the items they go and get. make it interactive. What do you think?

Offline sanibel

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2009, 05:00:34 AM »


Hi grammieof5!

Just a couple of thoughts on this one, I agree with pretzel girl, about the formatting issues, which I know you want to correct. I also think there are some problems with the flow of the peice for the audience you are targeting. In my limited experience of writing for children the text has to be concise and direct, hopefully with some originality. On the mouse front it is hard to top Beatrix Potter!

In this short peice there was also some repitition, which although can be used to good effect with children, when wanting to re- enforce an idea, seemed a bit surplus to requirements in this example  i.e. 'The first one who comes back with the item gets to go with me to market', is repeated again after 'mum' has given her instructions.

Don't mean to sound negative, and please feel free to disregard my opinion, it is after all just that! Keep writing and good luck with your story telling

Sanibel
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Offline grammieof5

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Re: Who's The Best
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2009, 01:28:19 PM »
Sanibel, Thank you for your opinion. I am new to this, so all suggestions are appreciated. I did not realize I said that twice. thank you for pointing it out.I'll fix it in the story. I am a ECE teacher and one thing that I do know is young children like repetion, one phrase or sentence that is like a theme running through the story. I have read hundreds of books to young children and almost all have a repeating phase, but I do appreciate the help. That's why I joined this site. let meknow if you think of anything else.