Author Topic: Brotherly Love  (Read 2282 times)

Offline Inseriousity.

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Brotherly Love
« on: May 07, 2009, 03:48:31 AM »
I'm sure it's not very 'technical' as I'm a noob at this still so it'd be great if you could point me in the right direction and also give feedback on the story (this isn't the whole script, just the first 10 pages)! Thank you :)


Brotherly Love

INT: CAF…. NIGHT.

IT IS A VERY TYPICAL CAF… AND IT IS EMPTY APART FROM THE TABLE IN THE FAR CORNER. JIMMY FOSTER, 23 YEARS OLD, WEARING TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS AND A T-SHIRT, IS TUCKING INTO BEANS ON TOAST. HE IS SITTING WITH HELEN SURFIELD, ALSO 23 YEARS OLD, WEARING A BLACK DRESS, WHICH DOES NOT FIT IN WITH THE SETTING. SHE LOOKS BORED AND ALSO ANNOYED. A WAITRESS NEARBY IS CLEANING THE TABLES, WATCHING HELEN AND JIMMY WITH A SMIRK ON HER FACE.

Waitress
Coulda took Ďer on a proper date, mate. Yer not gonna woo a girl like that.

JIMMY IGNORES HER.

Helen
Sheís right, yíknow! Weíve been dating for 6 months Jimmy, and you bring me here (glancing at waitress). No offence though.

Waitress
None taken. Shitíole this place.

Jimmy
Look Helen. Iím skint and you know it. If I could take you to a posh restaurant, I would and you know that too!

Helen
Sorry. Sorry.

Waitress
Ey, donít say sorry, love! He shoulda made an effort

Jimmy
Oh great. Abuse from a waitress. Why donít you (pointing at waitress) go clean that table over there.

Waitress
No need to point. Iím goiní, Iím goiní

Jimmy
Bloody snoop

Helen
She still has a point. If you have no money, we couldíve just stayed in, snuggled up on your sofa and watched a movie or something.

Jimmy
My house is a pigsty an-
Waitress (shouting over from the new table sheís cleaning)
Clean it then!

Jimmy (shouting back)
You ever keep your nose out of other peopleís business?!

Helen
Oh Jimmy, donít spoil it. Youíre always doing this. Letís just pay and go.

Jimmy
Fine, I wanna get out this dump anyway.


EXT: HELENíS HOUSE. NIGHT

JIMMY AND HELEN ARE STANDING ON THE DOORSTEP, FACING EACH OTHER. JIMMY MOVES IN FOR THE KISS BUT HELEN PUTS OUT A HAND TO STOP HIM.

Helen
My mum could be watching

Jimmy
Speaking of mums, Iíve never seen yours. How come?

Helen
Iíve told you why again and again. SheísÖ sheís justÖ overprotective, thatís all.

Jimmy
Itís been 6 months though and she stil-

Helen
Ssh! She could be listening as well!

Jimmy
What?! Sheís a mother not an international spy. Youíre being paranoid Helen! Why does it matter if sheís listen- ohÖ she doesnít know, does she?

Helen
I canít tell her. Please. Donít be angry. If you knew her, youíd understand.

Jimmy
Itís been 6 months and you havenít even told your mum! Are you ashamed of me or something because Iím not getting a good vibe from this?

Helen
No, itís not you! Itís her. My last boyfriend ran off because of her. I donít wanna lose you. Weíve been dating for 6 months but it feels like Iíve known you my whole lifeÖ I canít lose that.

Jimmy
I donít wanna lose you either.

Helen
Then trust me.

Jimmy
I do.

EXT: HELENíS HOUSE. DAY.

JIMMY IS STANDING ON THE DOORSTEP AGAIN. TWICE, HE GOES TO RING THE DOORBELL BUT PULLS BACK. ON THE THIRD GO, HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND THEN RINGS THE DOORBELL.

Julie
Iím coming, Iím coming! Hold yer horses.

THE DOOR OPENS AND JULIE (HELENíS MUM) ANSWERS THE DOOR. SHE IS 40 YEARS OLD AND SHE APPEARS TO BE STRONG AND TOUGH. AT THE SIGHT OF JIMMY, SHE FREEZES, STARING INTO SPACE.

Jimmy
Hi? Erm.. is Helen in?

Julie
No, sheís at work. Who are you?

Jimmy
Iím Jimmy, just a friend.

Julie
You brought her home last night.

Jimmy
ErmÖ yesÖ how do you know?

Julie
I donít miss a trick. Youíre her new boyfriend then. She thinks I donít know. Iíve warned her over and over again. Well, you better come in then because I need to speak to you.

Jimmy
ErmÖ okÖ

JIMMY WALKS INTO THE HOUSE, DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND INTO THE LIVING ROOM. THERE IS A SOFA, ARMCHAIR AND A COFFEE TABLE. A SMALL TV IS IN THE CORNER, SWITCHED OFF. JIMMY HANGS AROUND AWKWARDLY, UNSURE WHAT TO DO. JULIE WALKS IN AFTER HIM AND SHUTS THE DOOR.

Julie
Sit.

JIMMY SITS DOWN ON THE NEAREST SEAT HE CAN GET TO. HE IS CLEARLY NERVOUS ABOUT THIS MEETING.

Jimmy
Look, I just wanna say tha-


Julie
I donít care what youíve gotta say, sunshine. Now you better be listening because youíre gonna need to remember this simple message: Stay away from my daughter.

Jimmy
I love her.

Julie
If you loved her, youíd stay away. She doesnít need boys, sheís got me.

Jimmy
Iím not going to intrude on anything.

Julie
Why ring my doorbell then? Youíve been dating her for a while now. I know all about it and you know she works now but you knocked anyway. Why?

Jimmy
IÖ IÖ

Julie
Donít insult my intelligence, Jimmy. Stay away. Now get outta my house.

Jimmy
But I-

Julie
GET OUT IF YOU KNOW WHATíS GOOD FOR YOU! GET OUT!!!!!

JIMMY JUMPS UP QUICKLY AT THE SUDDEN SHOUTING. HE IS CONFUSED BUT DASHES TO THE DOOR AND OUT OF THE HOUSE. THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS SHUT. JULIE BEGINS TO CRY.

INT: BAR. NIGHT.

LIKE THE CAF…, THE BAR IS COMPLETELY EMPTY. THE BAR IS A TRADITIONAL ENGLISH BAR. HOWEVER, DAVE (THE BARMAN) DOES NOT MATCH THE SETTING WITH HIS FLAMBOYANT CLOTHING. IT IS CLEAR HE IS TRYING TO SPRUCE THINGS UP A BIT.

Jimmy
Canít believe mothers these days.

Dave
You think mothers are bad? Try homophobic fathers.

Jimmy
Oh save your sob story for someone who cares. Yer a barman. Yer meant to listen to my sob story.

Dave
Canít help meself. Itís a crime being the only gay in the village.

Jimmy
Oh give over. This place is empty. You donít have to do the Little Britain act with me. Drop it. It gives me a headache.

Dave
So will drinkingÖ but I need the money. Another pint?

Jimmy
Sure. Why not? Got nothing to lose nowa-

Helen
How could you?

JIMMY TURNS AROUND. HELEN IS STANDING AT THE DOOR, HER HAIR IS MESSED UP AND TEARS HAVE BEEN RUNNING DOWN HER CHEEKS.

Jimmy
Howíd you find me?

Helen
Youíre always here! You disgust me sometimes, you really do. I didnít want you to meet her and you just had to. You never do as I ask! How can I trust you anymore? Itís over! I never wanna see you again!

HELEN RUSHES OUT.

Jimmy
No Helen, wait!
Dave
Go after her, mate.

Jimmy
Trust me, Iím going to.

JIMMY RUNS OUT THE DOOR. HE SPOTS HELEN RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD AND CHASES AFTER HER. HE EVENTUALLY CATCHES UP TO HER AND STOPS IN FRONT OF HER. HELEN STOPS, TEARS RUNNING DOWN HER FACE.

Jimmy
Helen, please just-

Helen
Go away Jimmy!

Jimmy
Hear me out!

Helen
I donít care about what youíve got to say. Itís over. Weíre finished! Please just leave me alone!

Jimmy
I will if you just hear me out first!

Helen
Go on then! Explain it! Why go see my mum when I told you?! WHY?!

Jimmy
I had to.

Helen
You stop me and thatís the best you can do?

Jimmy
I stopped you because I love you. I let you run off and Iíve lost you for good and I wouldnít be able to live with myself for that happening. I tell ya what, Iíll take you out to lunch. Fancy that?

Helen
You said that last night and I ended up in some cafť! Iíll tell you why youíre skint, shall I?! Itís because you waste it in that bar! Youíre always in there! Always! I donít have to put up with thatÖ I deserve better.

Jimmy
And youíll get itÖ from me. We even share the same birthday! Thatís clearly fate!

Helen
I donít believe in fate.

Jimmy
I love you, Helen. Fate or not, I cannot let you go.

Helen
Goodbye, Jimmy.

HELEN TURNS ROUND AND LEAVES. JIMMY STANDS, ROOTED TO THE SPOT, DEFEATED.

INT: HELENíS LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.

HELEN IS SAT ON THE SOFA, HEAD IN HER HANDS, SOBBING. JULIE ENTERS, WITH A CUP OF TEA.

Julie (placing tea on coffee table and sitting down next to her)
Here you go, sweetheart. Thisíll cheer you up.

Helen
Go away!

Julie
Iím your mum. You know I canít see you suffer.

Helen
But itís always your fault! Why mum? Why canít you just leave things alone? Let me be happy.

Julie
BecauseÖ boysÖ theyíre only after one thing.

Helen
He wasÖ different. 6 months and he hasnít tried anything. You couldnít let me have one bit of happiness, could you?

Julie
Itís for the best, sweetie.

Helen
Is anything going to be good for you? Do I have to avoid all boys just because you got yourself pregnant at 17 and left you.

Julie
Enough!

Helen
Iím 23 Mum, not 12.

Julie
ENOUGH!

Helen
NO! You ruin everything Mum just because of your mistakes! I left him for you and yetÖ I still love him. Why do I always do it to myself? Why am I always doing what you say when I still love him? Not this timeÖ Iím going back to him and thereís nothing you can do about it.

HELEN GETS UP FROM THE SOFA BUT JULIE DASHES TO THE DOOR AND SHUTS IT.

Helen
Mum. Let. Me. Out. Now.

Julie
Youíre not going. Find someone elseÖ anyone but himÖ pleaseÖ

Helen
BUT I LOVE HIM!

Julie
PleaseÖ

JULIE SUDDENLY STARTS TO CRY. SHE CANíT HELP HERSELF.

Julie
ItÖ w-w-wasnítÖ meantÖ to b-b-beÖ like thisÖ

Helen
Heís just a boy! Itís not the end of the world! Iíll still love you no matter what!

Julie
Please darlingÖ justÖ stayÖ away from himÖ Promise me please?

Helen
Every single boyfriend Iíve hadÖ youíve done this. You realise Iím not going to be persuaded otherwise so you do some crying act to get me to do what you say! No more! Iíve had enough! I love himÖ and I canít believe I let him go.

Julie
Please, just let him go! Find someone else!

Helen
BUT I LOVE HIM! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM.

Julie
HEíS YOUR BROTHER!

« Last Edit: May 07, 2009, 03:50:57 AM by Inseriousity. »

Offline Artistic

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Re: Brotherly Love
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2009, 10:21:32 AM »
Appears more like a transcript. You know, all talk and no action.  The stroy of a screenplay is told in pictures not dialogue. So you can start from there, re-do what you've done and instead of using a lot more dialogue try to tell the story visually. Its hard at the start but with time you'll come to get the grip on the style of writing a screenplay. Try it, then lets take another look.  But most important, when you do write the action, there's no need to CAP it. Another thing about action description is that most of your verbs need to be in the active voice i.e: Someone DOES something or something DOES something. So nearly all you verbs should end in -ES or -S.  for example:

If I were you, my opening will have taken this appearance:

INT. CAFE - NIGHT

The cafe is empty except for the table in the far corner. JIMMY FOSTER, 23, (You don't have to describe what he wears unless its significant), tucks into beans on toast. He sits with Hellen Surfield, 23.  She's in a black dress. ( If  the dress doesn't fit with the setting, you need to show it, don't tell, same to the part about her looking bored and annoyed. The audience won't see that, if you want them to see it, show it.) A waitress cleans the tables nearby, watches Helen and Jimmy with a smirk on her face.

Its not the way you'll write it. Just saying the action description  should take such an appearance.


 



Rejection and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.

Offline checksixproductions

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Re: Brotherly Love
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2009, 11:21:49 PM »
Inseriousity:

I agree with Artistic about no caps in descriptions.  See screenplay formatting:

http://www.storysense.com/format.htm

I actually like your dialogues.  The evesdropping waitress is classic.  There are loads of conflict moving the story along.  It could be wittier, more smart-alecky, more personality especially with Jimmy, he doesn't seem chamring enough to get Helen.  But that is just a thought.

Advice?  Well...

ORIGINAL:

Jimmy
Look Helen. Iím skint and you know it. If I could take you to a posh restaurant, I would and you know that too!

Helen
Sorry. Sorry.

Waitress
Ey, donít say sorry, love! He shoulda made an effort

Jimmy
Oh great. Abuse from a waitress. Why donít you (pointing at waitress) go clean that table over there.

Waitress
No need to point. Iím goiní, Iím goiní

Jimmy
Bloody snoop

Helen
She still has a point. If you have no money, we couldíve just stayed in, snuggled up on your sofa and watched a movie or something.

Jimmy
My house is a pigsty an-
Waitress (shouting over from the new table sheís cleaning)
Clean it then!

Jimmy (shouting back)
You ever keep your nose out of other peopleís business?!

Helen
Oh Jimmy, donít spoil it. Youíre always doing this. Letís just pay and go.

Jimmy
Fine, I wanna get out this dump anyway.

REWRITE:

Jimmy
Look, Helen.  These hard times aren't going to last forever.  One day.  One day we'll be in a posh restaurant.  The kind you deserve.  The life that you deserve.

Helen
Sorry.  Sorry.

Waitress
Oy, donít say sorry, love!  He coulda made an effort now.

Jimmy
Oh, great.  Abuse from a waitress.  Don't you know that tables go to bed dirty every night in India?  Why donít you go clean that table over there.

Waitress
No need to point. Iím goiní, Iím goiní

Jimmy
Jeez, I can't swing a dead cat by the tail without hitting a critic.

Helen
Still, she has a point. If you have no money, we couldíve just stayed in, snuggled up on your sofa and watched a movie or something.

Jimmy
Or something?  That sounds inviting.

Helen
Well, you know, we have been dating six months.

Jimmy
Uh, well, you know, my house is a pigsty and...

Waitress
(shouting over from the new table sheís cleaning)
Clean it then!

Jimmy
(shouting back)
You got a life or what?

Helen
Oh Jimmy, donít spoil it. Youíre always doing this.  Letís just pay and go.

Jimmy
Fine, I this place is a dump anyway.

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Offline Inseriousity.

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Re: Brotherly Love
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2009, 07:06:49 AM »
I know it's been a long time since this was last critiqued but I just wanted to thank you both for taking the time. I read the 'critique' thread and noticed that people don't like to review the newbies cos they're rude or ungrateful. I'm not really like that, I've just been busy with college. :D

I'll be using that website more often so thanks for that, checksixproductions. I will definitely improve the technique of my scripts.

Mods, if there's a rule about bumping threads, I'm sorry. I'm just a newbie, hehe.