Author Topic: A section of the prologue of the "sequel' of my first book  (Read 4850 times)

robert1704

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A section of the prologue of the "sequel' of my first book
« on: January 14, 2006, 05:35:54 PM »
the end of the prologue of the "B.B.B. - PC connection" sequel of "A Holy Terror"
It is still a draft, please your comments. Read it as if I were your worst enemy!

...As the Mercedes was parked at the riverside of the quay, he crossed the street. Most café's were almost empty, except for some regulars still sitting at the bar.  The street was abandoned, but in the distance he could now see his limousine. Concerned, he peered at it trying to distinguish what was wrong with his rear window. He was almost running now and the more he approached, the more it became clear that something was written on the glass. Also the side door had black marks on it. Finally, he was close enough.  "FASCIST" was written in black capitals on the back window and on the side door was drawn a big "swastika". Rudolf Akkermans started effing and blinding. Angrily he pulled his mobile phone out of his jacket pocket and called the police.
   He tried to vent his rage, "why do they always link us with the Nazi's", he wondered. He however had to admit that the founder of the Party had been accused of collaboration with the Germans during World War II, and that there still existed a small wing of so-called "Neo-Nazis" in the Party. But whenever the "Old Man", as they called the Party-establisher, would disappear, these skinheads would disappear with him. Since Phil Snowdy and himself had come into power, they had changed course from Flemish Nationalism to Democracy. They however still opposed the actual immigration politics and the laxness against the Muslim brutality and obtrusiveness, but the fact that the Jewish Community had officially taken side for his Party gave the proof that they were no Neo-Nazis.
   Ten minutes had past before a police-estate car arrived. Manned with two police officers and with their blue-flashing lights on, they parked beside Rudolf Akkermans's vehicle.
   "Good evening, Mr Akkermans," one of the officers said while the other one took a walk around the Mercedes.
   "You can leave out the 'good' tonight!" Akkermans replied.
   "The bloody vandalism doesn't stop in our City," the second policeman butted in, "it won't be easy to remove that black paint from the car, Councillor."
   "We'll make a report of the offence and ask around if anyone in the surrounding houses saw what has happened here tonight, but according to my experience, there's not much hope we'll ever find these hooligans," the first police officer stated.
   "I know, but I had to report it," Akkermans replied in a resigned tone.
   Ten minutes later the reporting was over and done with and after a polite goodbye, the police officers had pulled the estate car to the opposite side of the street and had started the investigation in search for witnesses of the car staining.
   While still groaning and moaning, Rudolf Akkermans took another walk around his Mercedes. He then opened the car door and got in; still ill tempered he turned the ignition key. Within fractions of a second, he was terrorised by a fierce explosion. In that same moment there appeared a scorching and dazzling glow that completely encircled him. However, the lethal heat had provided Akkermans with an insensitivity of how his right arm had been torn off and how simultaneously in these few seconds, his body metamorphosed into a number of scattered, bloody lumps of flesh. 

mark stanton

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Re: A section of the prologue of the "sequel' of my first book
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2006, 05:46:36 AM »
Dear Robert,

I do not profess to be a writer or editor but I have had a look at your work and my comments are below:

...As the Mercedes was parked at the riverside of the quay. Most café's were almost empty, except for some regulars still sitting at the bar.  The street was abandoned, but in the distance he could now see his limousine. Concerned[what made him concerned at this distance, could he really make out that something was wrong], he peered at it trying to distinguish what was wrong with his[not his how about the] rear window. He was almost running now [was he already walking] and the more[closer?] he approached, the more it became clear [apparent?]that something was [had been]written on the glass. Also the side door had black marks on it. Finally, he was close enough.  "FASCIST" was written in black capitals on the back window and on the side door was drawn a big "swastika". Rudolf Akkermans started effing and blinding[ not a good sentence to use effing and blinding, swear or cuss it you have to]. Angrily he pulled [if he was angry he may of snatched the mobile from his jacket] his mobile phone out of his jacket pocket and called the police. 
   He tried to vent his rage[did he try or did he vent his rage?], "why do they always link us with the Nazi's", he wondered. He however had to admit that the founder of the Party had been accused of collaboration with the Germans during World War II, and that there still existed a small wing of so-called "Neo-Nazis" in the Party. But whenever the "Old Man", as they called the Party-establisher, would disappear, these skinheads would disappear with him. Since Phil Snowdy and himself had come into power, they had changed course from Flemish Nationalism to Democracy. They however still opposed the actual immigration politics and the laxness against the Muslim brutality and obtrusiveness, but the fact that the Jewish Community had officially taken side for his Party gave the proof that they were no Neo-Nazis. [ a bit of a strange way to put this, as if its an after-thought, may be reflect back on a past situation]
   Ten minutes had past [ten minutes later?]before a police-estate car arrived. Manned [ maybe not used manned but with two offices in?]with two police officers and with their blue-flashing lights on, they parked beside Rudolf Akkermans's vehicle.
   "Good evening, Mr Akkermans," one of the officers said while the other one took a walk around the Mercedes. [how did they know his name?]
   "You can leave out the 'good' tonight!" Akkermans replied. [if he was angry as this sentence suggests then maybe he would of spat these words?]
   "The bloody vandalism doesn't stop in our City," the second policeman butted in, "it won't be easy to remove that black paint from the car, Councillor."
   "We'll make a report of the offence and ask around if anyone in the surrounding houses saw what has happened here tonight, but according[in?] to my experience, there's not much hope we'll ever find these hooligans," the first police officer stated.
   "I know, but I had to report it," Akkermans replied in a resigned tone.[changed his tone very quickly]
   Ten minutes later the reporting was over and done with and after a polite goodbye, the police officers had pulled the estate car to the opposite side of the street and had started the investigation in search for witnesses of the car staining [This was over very quick, you could elaborate a bit?].
   While still groaning and moaning,[moaning to himself?] Rudolf Akkermans took another walk around his Mercedes. He then opened the car door and got in; still ill tempered he turned the ignition key. Within fractions of a second,[maybe find another way of saying this especially if you are detailing the slowing down of time as he is blown up?] he was terrorised by a fierce explosion. In that same moment there appeared a scorching and dazzling glow that completely encircled him. However, the lethal heat had provided Akkermans with an insensitivity of how his right arm had been torn off and how simultaneously in these few seconds, his body metamorphosed into a number of scattered, bloody lumps of flesh. 

Regards

Mark

robert1704

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Re: Thanks Mark
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2006, 01:08:00 PM »
Thanks for your suggestions Mark, really appreciate it!
I agree with almost everything.

Except: How does the police now his name; he is a very popular City Councollor, but you couldn't know that from this short section.

Robert

Offline Rodders

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Re: A section of the prologue of the "sequel' of my first book
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2006, 03:37:10 PM »
I definitely Agree on the way we use words. That is what makes our craft so much fun. As for the end of the piece... don't you just hate it when that happens?
 Seriously, does he really experience so much after the point of death? I.m not saying he couldn't as I don't remember my last death that well. I was just wondering if it was a story with a deeper vein. For example, does the character continue in the story yet not on this plane?

robert1704

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Re: A section of the prologue of the "sequel' of my first book
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2006, 01:24:49 AM »
Hi Rodders,

The story stays this time on our plane. Maybe his soul, in the other dimension, watches how the files he left behind cause lots of trouble to many people.
The character I chose is still very alive and kicking. He is a just man and I know him very well. Politically we don't have much in common, he is a convinced Flemish Nationalist and I am certainly not. I let him die in this story (subconcious wishful thinking?). If he should die, I am certain his soul will taken up in the Kingdom of Heaven, as (as far as I can know) he didn't build up too much bad "Karma". ::)

Do I hate when he explodes? Why should I? Remember, I am a human being, we even count with wars and violence: before this war, after that war, after the Battle of Hastings, after the Assyrians slaughterd the Jews in Judea, ater the Revolution.....
That's how we are made and that is why God warned not to eat from that particular tree. ;).
We are the masterpiece of creation. No other animal succeeded in ruining the world in such a short period. Are the Ancient Egyptians and Maya's right? Will our story be finished by 2013 (they both give the same date for the ending of this cycle).
Also the famous theosophist Helena Petrovna Blavatsky in her "Secret Doctrine" says that we are in the fifth and last Kalyuga of this cycle and that it will be very violent. She is not wrong, I think. By the way, as far as I know, her arguments have never been refuted.
Warning: it is very difficult reading when you have no solid background on mythology, religion and ancient history. :o
But I'm straying off the subject now. Sorry if I use from time to time the wrong sayings.

Rodders, thanks for your reaction
Robert

Offline tigger

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Re: A section of the prologue of the "sequel' of my first book
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2006, 11:54:14 AM »
Robert, if his soul is watching from another dimension, then you have to make that clear. Otherwise, this element of ambuiguity may cause confusion and/or distraction.

As for the rest... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. How can you be certain his soul will be taken up in the Kingdom of Heaven. What has 'heaven' to do with Karma?

...

:);)