Author Topic: <Revison 1> Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]  (Read 2316 times)

Offline Killpill28

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<Revison 1> Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« on: March 21, 2009, 02:37:51 AM »
Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind:

Original:
-----------------------
        The room is musty and old. Dust dances in rays of sunlight poking through moth bitten curtains. Laying before me, my friends, their blood on my hands. The gun that silenced them, warm against my forehead, will silence me.

         "Fate, you can't run from it, you can't hide from it, you can only wait for it," he grinned.  Afraid to look up, I smiled a little. I never knew who he was, never saw his face. I only knew: He was at the end.

          His finger tightened, a little anxious? No, he's the type to wait. I know him. More than he knows me. "Your friends, why did you bring them here? You know Fate, you see Fate. We both watched those threads. Mine are yellow. Which are yours?"
       If only he knew.

        "I see thin, I see thick. Oh...your mother, she's thin. Did you not see that one? Must be hard too...it's so thin now."
      Bastard.

        "I guess...that does not matter anymore. If only I could see yours. It would be thinner than her's." He sighs, "That's the reason I do this, you know. I can't see mine. It keeps me up at night never knowing when the end will come. When I saw the first one, I was overjoyed. Someone like me!"
      I know the feeling.

        "That feeling died quickly, when he tried to kill me. I fought back, I killed him first. So much joy in it too. I can't understand it."
       Oh, I can.
         
         "I wonder how many there are....You are my third, such a nice number."
       It's your favorite.

          "Oh, the time, I have to be finishing up here. Wife is cooking tonight, she's almost done."
       She has been done.

          "It was nice meeting you," he smiled, cheerfully.
         Too late, such a talker.

          I spoke up. "You wanted to know my color?" He froze. "I never had one." He shook. "I feel them, I control them." His grin vanished. "And now, I control you." His arm lifted, jerkily, shakily. "My threads are nothing and everything." The gun wobbled under his chin. "Oh, and, I don't see your thread, not anymore." He fired. The bodies of my 'friends' vanished, and, he dropped. "You were my sixth."

          People like us are drawn to each other like a moth to the flame, and, one always burns.
----------------------------------

Revised:
----------------------------------
          My friends, their blood on my hands, lay before me. The gun that silenced them, warm against my forehead, will silence me. All the while, in this musty old room, dust danced in rays of sunlight poking through moth bitten curtains.

          The man above my kneeling figure grinned uncontrollably, his thoughts of killing me woven in the threads.  "Fate. You can't run from it, you can't hide from it, you can only wait for it," he preached, as if I didn't know the rules of Fate.  Afraid to look up, as any provocation could set this Weaver off, I smiled a little. So easy to read, but so hard to control. You could say the process is like disarming a bomb with hundreds of wires to cut. This thread here...that thread there... - his finger tightened over the trigger, a little anxious? No, he's the type to wait. I know him. More than he knows me. He felt the disturbance around his mind, shrugging it off, he began again. "Your friends, why did you bring them here? You know Fate, you see Fate. We both watched those threads. Mine are yellow. Which are yours?"
          If only he knew - he didn't see who was before him - he only saw a young blind man.

          "I see thin, I see thick. Oh...your mother, she's thin. Did you not see that one? Must be hard too...it's so thin now."
          That bastard! Distracted, I pulled too tightly on a thread - his finger twitched slightly - I released the string, remembering where it was to pull later.

          The man's face wore a confused look... but he was too preoccupied with his speech to ponder its questions. "I guess...that does not matter anymore. If only I could see yours. It would be thinner than her's." He sighs, "That's the reason I do this, you know. I can't see mine. It keeps me up at night; never knowing when the end will come. When I saw the first one, I was overjoyed. Someone like me!"
          Time to see. I plucked a few treads inside his mind like guitar strings, a melody of words resounded in his subconscious:  I know that feeling.

          "That feeling died quickly when he tried to kill me. I fought back, I killed him first. So much joy in it too. I can't understand it." He was quite for a few seconds, then, spoke the thoughts I already knew he had. "I wonder how many there are....You are my third, such a nice number." His favorite number actually, he proposed on his wife's birthday, March 3rd.

          Snapping from his mind, the husband checked his watch. "Oh, the time, I have to be finishing up here. Wife is cooking tonight, she's almost done." She had been done an hour or so ago, but he didn't see that thread. "It was nice meeting you," he gestured, cheerfully. He was insane, but a gentleman none the less. Feeling the threads tighten around me, I spoke up.
          "You wanted to know my color?" He froze. "I never had one." He shook. "I feel them, I control them." His grin vanished. "And now, I control you." His arm lifted, jerkily, shakily. "My threads are nothing and everything." The gun wobbled under his chin. "Oh, and, I don't see your thread, not anymore." The man fired. The bodies of my 'friends' vanished as he dropped. "You were my sixth," I stated, feeling the energy left in his threads drain into mine. I wore his grin, walking out of the soon-to-be suicide scene.

          People like us are drawn to each other like a moth to the flame, and, one always burns.

------

I wrote this a while ago, never got any good critique on it. So tear it apart.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2009, 08:30:49 AM by Killpill28 »
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Offline flights_of_fantasy

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Re: Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2009, 03:41:10 AM »
Good morning, Killpill,

I thought this was an interesting piece, but it's hard to follow.

Usually, when I'm reading a book, if there are no tags I work out who is speaking and who is thinking thoughts by the paragraphs. I have no problem with you dispensing with the he said or I thought, but you have to give us some other clue as to who is speaking and thinking. I would have been stumped if you hadn't put your note at the bottom.  :)

I'd be tempted to format it like this, to make things clearer for the readers:
The room is musty and old. Dust dances in rays of sunlight poking through moth bitten curtains. Laying before me, my friends, their blood on my hands. The gun that silenced them, warm against my forehead, will silence me.

"Fate. You can't run from it, you can't hide from it, you can only wait for it." He grinned. 

Afraid to look up, I smiled a little. I never knew who he was, never saw his face. I only knew: He was at the end.

His finger tightened, a little anxious? No, he's the type to wait. I know him. More than he knows me. "Your friends, why did you bring them here? You know Fate, you see Fate. We both watched those threads. Mine are yellow. Which are yours?"

If only he knew.

"I see thin, I see thick. Oh...your mother, she's thin. Did you not see that one? Must be hard too...it's so thin now."

Bastard.

"I guess...that does not matter any more. If only I could see yours. It would be thinner than her's." He sighs. "That's the reason I do this, you know. I can't see mine. It keeps me up at night, never knowing when the end will come. When I saw the first one, I was overjoyed. Someone like me!"
         
I know the feeling.

"That feeling died quickly, when he tried to kill me. I fought back, I killed him first. So much joy in it too. I can't understand it."

Oh, I can.

"I wonder how many there are....You are my third, such a nice number."

It's your favorite.

"Oh, the time, I have to be finishing up here. Wife is cooking tonight, she's almost done."

She has been done.

"It was nice meeting you." He smiled, cheerfully.

Too late, such a talker. I spoke up. "You wanted to know my color?" He froze. "I never had one." He shook. "I feel them, I control them." His grin vanished. "And now, I control you." His arm lifted, jerkily, shakily. "My threads are nothing and everything." The gun wobbled under his chin. "Oh, and, I don't see your thread, not anymore." He fired. The bodies of my 'friends' vanished, and, he dropped. "You were my sixth."

People like us are drawn to each other like a moth to the flame, and, one always burns.


I'm not sure I've done this quite right - I'm more experienced as a reader than a writer - but that's how I think it should be done. I'm sure a wiser head will tell us if I'm wrong.  ;D I've also double spaced the paragraphs for you, as we like to see them here in the forum. (it makes things easier to read on-line)

The other benefit of doing it this way is that you no longer need to rely on the italics to identify thoughts.

Other than that little detail, there were a couple of other things I noticed. First was the tense. You seem to waver from present to past tense through the piece.

Also, the third sentence doesn't seem to be complete: Laying before me, my friends, their blood on my hands. Either this needs something at the end, or you need to change it to something like: My friends lay before me, their blood on my hands.

Anyway, hope that helps a little.  ;)
Heather

"A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the eighteenth century, with some hot gypsies thrown in. My magnum opus, Baldrick. Everybody has one novel in them, and this is mine."
Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder the Third, Ink & Incapability

Offline Killpill28

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Re: Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2009, 04:01:58 AM »
I was worried about the thoughts, I'll format it better.

I read a few books that dealt with thoughts, they used italics and I picked it up, as there are not many ways of saying "he thought to himself".

Also, I know about that line, I'll change it now too.

EDIT: Reformatted.

I also decided to keep the line how it is, I remembered why I did it that way. I wanted to be painting a nice picture at the beginning "Laying before me, my friends" then, I shifted it to the theme of the story "their blood on my hands.". Should I change that?

Also, 'Fate. You can't run from it, you can't hide from it, you can only wait for it." He grinned.' doesn't follow the rules of writing I've learned(neither does the third sentence, but it has a purpose being that way).
« Last Edit: March 21, 2009, 04:15:02 AM by Killpill28 »
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Offline flights_of_fantasy

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Re: Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2009, 04:32:25 AM »
I think it's like learning to drive. There are set rules of the road, but the instructors still manage to find different ways of teaching.

I was taught that a dialogue tag was separated from speech with a comma, while pure action is always separated from speech with a full stop, because the action is a sentence in its own right, rather than being part of the speech.

However, I'm still learning this writing thing myself, so it's entirely possible I've been told wrong.

There was a discussion about italics for thoughts in another thread.

Quote
I also decided to keep the line how it is, I remembered why I did it that way. I wanted to be painting a nice picture at the beginning "Laying before me, my friends" then, I shifted it to the theme of the story "their blood on my hands.". Should I change that?

All I can tell you is when I read that line I had to stop and read it again, because it didn't make sense to me. It drew me out of the story while I figured it out. It's always your choice whether to change it or not, but I wouldn't want my readers drawn out of the little world I'd created.

 :)
« Last Edit: March 21, 2009, 04:36:10 AM by flights_of_fantasy »
Heather

"A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the eighteenth century, with some hot gypsies thrown in. My magnum opus, Baldrick. Everybody has one novel in them, and this is mine."
Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder the Third, Ink & Incapability

Offline Killpill28

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Re: Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2009, 04:38:17 AM »
I think it's like learning to drive. There are set rules of the road, but the instructors still manage to find different ways of teaching.

I was taught that a dialogue tag was separated from speech with a comma, while pure action is always separated from speech with a full stop, because the action is a sentence in its own right, rather than being part of the speech.

However, I'm still learning this writing thing myself, so it's entirely possible I've been told wrong.

There was a discussion about italics for thoughts in another thread.

 :)


Oh, that is how you read it.

I was describing how he said the sentence, he grinned it. He said it between a smile.

The character was crazy, I was stressing that in the way I used "grinned" and "smiled".

Should I not do that?

Edit: I read the topic on using italics for thoughts, I'm gonna try to use the smooth transition method, but not in stories this short.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2009, 04:49:05 AM by Killpill28 »
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Offline AgapZoe

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Re: Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2009, 04:55:27 AM »
oh well, when reading thru the piece, i was thinking, "hmm, appropirate title." and i wanted to read on, but it ended too fast...good thing i think. i like what the flight of fantasy said... :) ad have probably said it same way in fewer words.
Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of Heaven, unasked and unsought. - Pearl S. Buck

Offline flights_of_fantasy

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Re: Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2009, 05:21:24 AM »
I was describing how he said the sentence, he grinned it. He said it between a smile.

The character was crazy, I was stressing that in the way I used "grinned" and "smiled".

Should I not do that?

I don't feel qualified to say what anyone should or shouldn't do. The most I can manage is what I would or wouldn't do in the same situation. I can only speak from my own personal experience.

In my mind, a smile cannot be a dialogue tag, because a smile doesn't make a sound. He whispered, she screamed, he growled - they are all words describing how the words sound.

Jane Austen once wrote: "I am not afraid of you,'' said he, smilingly.

I think that's the sort of thing you're going for, albeit an old fashioned version of it. If you want to show that he was smiling as he spoke, you'll need to offer a modern version. Perhaps something like:

"It was nice meeting you," he said, cheerfully.

The problem with this is we're always told to avoid the unnecessary 'ly' words. Perhaps the only way around it is to expand the description:

His thin lips spread into a grin as he spoke. "It was nice meeting you."

I don't know. I'm just messing about here now. Hopefully, someone who knows what they're doing will come along and teach us both.  ;D

Heather

"A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the eighteenth century, with some hot gypsies thrown in. My magnum opus, Baldrick. Everybody has one novel in them, and this is mine."
Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder the Third, Ink & Incapability

Offline Killpill28

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Re: Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2009, 03:04:19 PM »
I'm editing it now based on your suggestions, I'll be more descriptive and make the story longer by doing so.

Also, I am going to reinforce something I didn't before. The boy is blind, but he can sense everything around him through the expert use of these "threads". Because of being blind, his sense of the threads increased, he also learned to control them partially.

I am writing an actual story expanding on this, on the boy's life and the reasons the Weavers(a good name, I suppose) attack and kill each other. I'll begin posting that when I feel I'm ready.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2009, 03:11:18 PM by Killpill28 »
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Offline robc

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Re: Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2009, 04:16:33 PM »
I'm no critic but on first reading this piece left me confused.  It feels as if it has been lifted out of something much larger, as such we have no background, so we don't know what is going on. Reading all the comments makes it a good bit clearer. I am left wanting to read more, wanting to know more,  so write on.

Offline Killpill28

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Re: Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2009, 04:27:54 PM »
I just updated it, I hope the new version satisfies you, but I know it is not complete just yet. I hope more criticism helps with this.

I removed the italic thoughts, and added more detail.
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Kelly1258

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Re: <REVISED> Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2009, 08:39:52 PM »
Hi killpill

It's a very interesting piece, though i'm a little confused. Does the guy have like an alter ego in  his head or is he like split personality.

A little better formatting and i think you'll be good.

Nice work
And it didn't die, justs needs a few tweaks

kelly


Offline Killpill28

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Re: <REVISED> Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2009, 08:59:10 PM »
The guy who tried to kill the boy is mental, he doesn't have much control over the urges these 'threads' create. When a Weaver kills another, the life the murdered had left is given to the murderer, along with a boost of power.

The boy himself is controlled, he can think things through. While the man was blinded by urges, the boy saw everything. Many Weavers came to this 'boy' in hopes of an easy kill. While, really, the boy is in his thirties.
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Offline Killpill28

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Re: <REVISED> Short Story - Twisted Fate; Twisted Mind [language warning]
« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2009, 11:30:15 PM »
I am sorry for the double post, I don't know your rules on that and know I am bumping someone's thread off the front page, but I need to know how well I did with the revision. I edited the first post to have both the original and revised versions.

If you helped before the revision, I would really like to know if I improved it well based off your comments.
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