Author Topic: "Night of the Black Unicorn" 1.1 Eddited  (Read 1277 times)

Offline Max Zvyagintsev

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1730
  • Welcome to my World! Now go home
    • View Profile
"Night of the Black Unicorn" 1.1 Eddited
« on: March 15, 2009, 03:43:05 AM »
Hi this is the eddited version of my long mysteries tale part 1.1 which basicly means 1 chapter out of well...we'll see. Hopefully not too much i don't want to bore anyone  ;D

Anyways, have a read, enjoy the little story so far...

It was mid afternoon, Crow watched Pam as she poured his last drink at Pig's Tale Inn. "How's Willy?"

Pam finished pouring the ale into the man's mug, looked up at him and said, "He's been stuck in his room for the last 2 days, hasn't come out since."
"Last time I heard him muttering something about a curse."

The sound of something heavy falling on the wooden floor came from up stairs. Both Pam and Crow turned their heads upstairs where Willy's room was just around the corner. Then Crow quickly turned his towards his mug and took a sip of the ale, it was strong and bitter as it always has been.

 It was getting late, the sun nearly hidden behind the distant hills that you could see from one of the open windows inside the inn. "We'll be closing at sun set today," said Pam.

 Crow, looking at his half filled mug he gulped the rest within a few seconds and gently put it down back on the table along with a few silver coins on side. "Thanks," he smiled. Standing up and pushing his chair back in, Crow put on his brown fedora like hat and his long brown coat heading towards back towards the front door. Crow stopped. "What about Willy?"

 Pam turned around. "I'll take care of him."

 Crow nodded back at Pam as he took a last look around the inn. Everyone was already gone, but obviously did not care to put the furniture back where it was. There were broken glass bottles, tables and chairs all over the floor. By the looks of things Pam was not going home as early as she'd expected.
"Goodnight," Crow said as he shut the door behind him.

 "Willy, you in there?" yelled Pam. There was no reply. Knocking gently on the door it slowly began to creek open. Pam was surprised to see that Willy was not in his room.

 His room was a complete mess; it was as if he was scavenging for something. A cold breeze swept over Pam's face from an open shattered window on the opposite side of the room. Pam sprinted to the shattered window and looked down to the ground hoping to find what became of Willy, but he wasn't there. Her heart beat faster and fear consumed her. Breathing heavily she ran towards the exit knocking over a chair in her haste. Shutting the door firmly of the inn behind her, Pam stuck herself to the wooden door desperately gasping for breath.

 At first, all Pam could hear was her own heartbeat but then footsteps, getting closer and closer. "Who's there!?" Pam panicked, face pale and eyes wide open trying to see through the darkness that surrounded her. A dark shape started forming in front of her. "Willy?" Pam whispered. "Willy is tha.." Pam's last words were cut short. Something had rendered her right through her chest like a sharp pike. Pam collapsed on the ground as the shadow figure faded back into the night.
"The World doesn't owe you anything, it was here first"

"You fall before you learn to stand up"

Offline Max Zvyagintsev

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1730
  • Welcome to my World! Now go home
    • View Profile
Re: "Night of the Black Unicorn" 1.1 Eddited
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2009, 03:46:00 AM »
oh, just before i forget... I'd like to give out a BIG THANKS to a member by the name of Flights_of_Fantasy. She really done the final edditing here.. ;D
"The World doesn't owe you anything, it was here first"

"You fall before you learn to stand up"

Offline PretzelGirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1427
  • the exquisite corpse shall drink new wine
    • View Profile
Re: "Night of the Black Unicorn" 1.1 Eddited
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2009, 07:21:40 AM »

It was mid afternoon, Crow watched Pam as she poured his last drink at Pig's Tale Inn. "How's Willy?" - you're telling us it's mid-afternoon, but do we really need to know that? Also, the reader won't know who's asking the question.

Pam finished pouring the ale into the man's mug, looked up at him and said,  - if she's waiting on Crow, which I'm assuming she is by the description, would she be looking up at him?

The sound of something heavy falling on the wooden floor came from up stairs. Both Pam and Crow turned their heads upstairs where Willy's room was just around the corner. Then Crow quickly turned his towards his mug and took a sip of the ale, it was strong and bitter as it always has been.

 It was getting late, the sun nearly hidden behind the distant hills that you could see from one of the open windows inside the inn. "We'll be closing at sun set today," said Pam.

- ok, I'm assuming the thump was significant, so why did everything continue on, and it suddenly got dark?


Show, don't tell, is what I'd like to suggest at this stage.
Also, your characters are people, but at the moment they sound a bit wooden.Show us how they interact with the environment more ... how do they feel towards each other? How does the coffee affect Crow? What was their physical reaction to the thump?

I like the intrigue you've drawn around Willy and the mystery of what happened upstairs, so i think you're plot's going in a good direction.





Smoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!
- A. J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf

Offline Max Zvyagintsev

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1730
  • Welcome to my World! Now go home
    • View Profile
Re: "Night of the Black Unicorn" 1.1 Eddited
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2009, 11:54:32 PM »
I'll keep that in mind when i'm writing my second part, thank you very much PretzelGirl.  :)
"The World doesn't owe you anything, it was here first"

"You fall before you learn to stand up"