Author Topic: #2. Revision  (Read 990 times)

Offline PABrown

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#2. Revision
« on: March 14, 2009, 02:04:14 AM »
Hi, Please feel free to leave honest feedback. Honest opinions lead to good, honest results. I cut this piece of the story out of something I worked on today. The suggestions for this can help me when I revise it. Thanks.

Warrant Day
What I Saw Opened My Eyes
(This is only part of the whole; I snatched a section from my writing today so I can have it critiqued here on MWC)

…There was an aura of comfort surrounding her, not like most of the fifteen year vets, worn from the thrills government work brings.
“I’m here to pay court fees.”
“Okay, what’s the court number ma’am?” Her hands waited to race every word I speak. “I don’t know.”
“That’s okay sweetie, what’s your last name?”
I tell her.
“What’s your first name?” Her face showing me interest but eyes locked to the screen.
"When were you born, ah, okay here it is.” Her eyes explored my case. “Okay it says here you owe five hundred fifty-five dollars.”
“Okay, I’ll pay it today,” with no hesitation I reach for the money inside my coat’s chest pocket place it in her thin hand.
“Okay,” she smiles, “you’re all set.”
Taking my receipt I ask one last question before I walk out the walls of justice, “Is that it?”
“Yeah that’s it." Her warm smile hadn't one drop of judgment.
Man I can't wait till this shit over. Can anyone tell I'm excited, calm down P.A., stop smiling but damn this shit almost over.
Feeling like a free slave my freedom comes closer and closer as soon as i drive out this garage. Where's my black and my lighter, I know i took em out my pocket, there it is. One more court date February twelfth and it’s all over.

“Oh God why today, please not today! Snow, ice, two flat tires. Damn I hate Chicago weather, father please allow me to move to pheonix.
Its 8:31 I gotta be there at 9:30. Should I get on the tollway or take Mannhiem, I don't wanna get on the e-way. Why today?
The air pump’s roaring, doing its best to inflate my tires, why won't this thing stay latched. AAAH my hands freezin, I should try to move the car a little so the tire extension can be at the top.
Thank God it worked, okay okay I might can still make it! They slow anyway my name won't be called yet......I hope. 
Okay one down one to go.
“What the hell?”
Okay okay what happened that quick, why this pump not working. Let me check and see if its connected in the car. Okay thats fine, I wonder if has............This shit crazy.
It's not meant for me to go to court, this too much, where the hell I'm supposed to get a fuse. Today would be the day!
"Trisha, go ask the neighbors they might have have a pump," afriad she'll be heard, she clues in, "they always out her working on them cars!"
"okay ma."
I hate snow.
Let me hold on to thier gate so I don't fall in this snow. The house'll hold me too. Please let em have a pump, they should thought I always see them out there on they cars in the summer, dude should have one. They cool too, I remeber the thick mexican boy gave Steve a beer that time they was barbecuin, yeah they cool, they'll let me use it.
Pain struck the tip of my finger as I rang the doorbell. The faint call brought the young latino girl to the door quick. She mosta been waitin on somebody.
“Yes," a hint of suprise hit her face when she saw me.
My lips so stiff, "yeah, I was wondering if you all had a pump. My car has a flat tire and its right in the alley.” Its freezing out here, if I move back and forth I can stay warm.
“I don’t know but I’ll ask my dad, maybe he has one in the garage,” turning away the scent of hair spray and mouse lingered behind her.
“Okay, thank-you so much." Please let these people have a pump!
When they gon shovel the damn streets. I know the e-way messed up, imma take the side streets. I coulda took the car to the gas station if the alley was plowed they must have had a hell of a night. That old grump across the alley can blow that damn snow somewhere else instead of the driveway.
What time is it? I gotta go! This shit would happen on my last court date……
“I asked my dad but he says we don’t have one, sorry.”
"Its cool, thank you though."
What time is it? Imma bust my shit in this snow, I'll retrace my steps. Everything froze overnight, I wonder if its as cold as the winter that man on the news threw water out his door and it froze before hittin the ground. I'll never forget that. Hell it sucked the air out my tires.
They need to be replaced anyway.
I gotta go upstairs and call Kathy, I know she not gon believe me, this too crazy to believe. I never missed before, my pee always clean, she should be cool about it. But Kathy attitude so funny sometimes, we'll see.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2009, 07:05:27 PM by PABrown »

Offline Hugh

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Re: #2. Part of a project I'm working on.
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2009, 06:22:35 AM »
I like the way you portray the first part of the story mainly through dialogue, which comes across as realistic. There is a bit of a mix of tenses, though . . .

“. . . her hands rested on the keyboard . . .I tell her . . .she asks . . . she didn’t judge . . .”

I got confused over the name Patricia, then hopping in the car and lighting a cigar. My sister's name is Patricia, and I can't imagine her doing that.

Overall it grabbed my interest at the beginning and held it. Could do with some tightening and a run through a spell and grammar check to pick up typos, and a good read through looking at it objectively, e.g. “… besides the nineteen degree weather.” If that’s Celsius, it’s pretty mild. Or do you still use Fahrenheit over there?


Offline alienauthor

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Re: #2. Part of a project I'm working on.
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2009, 10:22:40 AM »
PABrown, we're all grown ups here so I'm not going to sugar coat this.  I couldn't get all the way through this.  Not that the content is bad, it's just clumsy.  Where detail is needed it's missing, and there is too much where it isn't needed.  That kills the flow.  I can overlook typos and tense problems if the flow is good, but all that together made it a tough read.  On a positive note, it has the making of a good story line.  It reminds me of some of the scenes you see in movies where the person finally almost gets it all together and then BAM!  After that they make the decision not to quit even though they still have to struggle.  Keep working on it though,  I've had many attempts that wouldn't measure up to this in the beginning. 8)
Love an Adventure! Live an adventure!  Then write the damned thing!

Offline PABrown

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Re: #2. Part of a project I'm working on.
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2009, 02:43:07 AM »
Okay thanks I'll look it over and see what I can do.

Patricia Is like no other. Patricia also doesn't look like she smokes cigars,but she does. She knows she needs to stop smokin cigars and weed but not quite yet.

She doesn't have the appearance of bad girl either, but she was. Now she's at a state where she wants to blossom and reap good fruits. Her perfect probation was almost ruined when the judge issued a warrant. If she hadn't of had a warrant she never would have been in the courthouse to witness a sideline of hatred, doubt, and misbelief.

Even though she was a felon she felt more enlighted without a doubt of belief God was on her side.
She was beginning to see, the beginning of freedom after so many sins.

I call my project "Sin Book"

"The Last Shall Finish First," I know thats in the Bible but right now i really don't want to get it and find the exact verse.

Right now my last is the beginning and the beginning will be last. As of writing it. Butthe whole thing will come together as I'm able to improve.

My "Sin Book" are real stories, everything is real. I just have to write it.

I'll revise this part, be back!!!!
« Last Edit: March 15, 2009, 03:03:01 AM by PABrown »