Author Topic: Katie's Revenge - Warning Adult - Partially Censored  (Read 4182 times)

Offline bttrfly972

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Katie's Revenge - Warning Adult - Partially Censored
« on: January 13, 2006, 06:08:23 PM »

This posting was removed at the request of the author.

Suzie
« Last Edit: January 25, 2006, 04:22:20 AM by Suzie »
~Dreams are visions of things to come~

Offline Sheree

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Re: Katie's Revenge
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2006, 12:43:00 AM »
Hello  :) I think you have a good start here, but you do need to rework quite a bit. Firstly, you need to slow things way down. In the first paragraph you start us off with several very major actions, which each should take at least one paragraph to develop. For instance, you have the father begin fondling her... if you could show us this instead of telling us it would set the mood more intensely. How does he smell? What is he doing with his hands? How does he feel against her skin, etc. The next paragraph or so you take us out of the action to give us background information on the stepfather, mother and priest. This is further spoken of later in the story and really should be cut out here (at least). If you want to develop these ideas, I suggest a follow-up meeting with the priest, or reactions in the news, etc.

Your best paragraph deals with the description of the knife. This is an important description, so it is good that you focused in on this. Some of your other descriptions are not necessary, such as the surround sound stereo, or how many channels are on the tv, etc. Unless you can somehow show us why this is significant, I would suggest removing that.

I didn't do a play by play critique, because I do think it needs alot of revision. But I hope I did not discourage you. Use this as your springboard to strengthen your ideas.

Offline Rebecca Anne

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Re: Katie's Revenge
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2006, 10:47:35 AM »
Hi Bttrfly972,
     Pretty gut-wrenching stuff. If you have the fortitude to write it, you are sure to have an audience.  A comment: You must make each statement by a new person a paragraph by itself.  I know that makes for a lot of one sentence paragraphs, but that is the nature of dialogue.  About the knife:  I would have had Katie discover a hiding place by accident, like knocking off the head of the bedpost in a fit on angst and discovering that it is hollow.  The knife could be her mother's favorite paring knife, a perfect fit for Katie's little hand.  Maybe: <Mother looked everywhere for it, but not in Katie's bedpost.  And when they were away, and Katie was alone, she crept into the kitchn and got out the knife sharpener.  Sharpening, sharpening, for the day when Katie the Brave would protect Katie the Helpless.>  You can't really sharpen a serrated knife as far as I know, though.
     Instead of stepping back to admire her work, I would have Katies' heart pounding, terrified that Luke's bloody corpse would rise up and get her.  For a young girl to reach this point, she'd have to be pushed way past ordinary limits.  Maybe: <She stepped back, grinning, for her terror was ended, yet surely the evil that was Luke could not die so easily.>  A young person might not be secure enough to want to leave her home, especially if an abuser kept her isolated and confined, which I'd expect that type of person to do.  At this point, she would be so traumatized not only by the years of abuse, but by her own horrific act, that I would expect her to do something really weird or stupid, like chopping them up until her rage was spent, filling the cat food dishes with their remains, then hiding under her covers.
     Lots of interesting possibilities with this story.  Best luck.
Rebecca Anne

Lin

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Re: Katie's Revenge - Warning: Adult Content
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2006, 02:59:03 AM »
The moderators are presently looking into this kind of material for the web site and for the present time we have censored certain areas of the text.   We apologise for this but we felt it was a rather unsuitable as this site can be viewed by the younger generation.  We will keep you informed within the next 24 hours.

Lin
« Last Edit: January 20, 2006, 03:00:44 AM by Lin »

Lin

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Re: Katie's Revenge - Warning Adult - Partially Censored
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2006, 03:55:03 AM »
Apologies to the author of this text, it has now been decided not to delete this piece of literature in fairness to the author.   We have voted to leave the censorship for the protection of the younger generation and others on the site who may be offended.  I am sure you can guess the story under the censorship as most of it is still in place.

Many thanks for your co-operation

Your Moderators
Nick, Suzie Aelfwin & Lin

Please note that this topic is now locked - Nick
« Last Edit: January 21, 2006, 04:47:56 AM by Nick »