Query letter for Murder On Marsh Island Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks

[Wolfe]

JUSTICE SERVED is a 95,000-word mystery.  Similar to Robert B. Parker’s Sea Change, it races through a five-week period on St. Simons Island.

I’m a member of the Georgia Association of Writers, as well as a participant in the Scribblers’ Retreat Writer’s Conference. 

Thank you for your time.

First, remove all the linking and passive verbs. Change the language into active or action terms. You'll want to do this because your previous, query remarks show zero passive and linking terms as well. You want to keep this pattern.

Wolfe

[Swampfox one]

Is this what you are talking about?  You know you are making me relearn english. 

JUSTICE SERVED, a 95,000-word mystery, races through a five-week period on St. Simons Island.  It is similar to Robert B. Parker’s Sea Change.
A member of the Georgia Association of Writers, I participant in the Scribblers’ Retreat Writer’s Conference. 

Thank you for your time.

[Wolfe]

It is similar (still passive) to Robert B. Parker’s Sea Change.

Wolfe

[Annmarie]

This thread is a big help. My query is also in the works...

But isn't JH's query a bit thin? The examples in my books, Camenson & Cook for instance, have longer summary sections. The average is 2 paragraphs, maybe 3. It's still a 1-page query, still short. But there's more revealed than what I've seen in JH's examples.

Is this an American style versus British style thing?

[Wolfe]

Correct. It's thin ... for now.  We'll get to that. 

Wolfe

[Swampfox one]

Just bloody amazing

Lin, I don't understand your comment. Do you mean you see something wrong?  If so please let me know.
Thanks
JH

[Swampfox one]

This thread is a big help. My query is also in the works...

But isn't JH's query a bit thin? The examples in my books, Camenson & Cook for instance, have longer summary sections. The average is 2 paragraphs, maybe 3. It's still a 1-page query, still short. But there's more revealed than what I've seen in JH's examples.

Is this an American style versus British style thing?

Annemarie, 
I think I have a good format for a query letter. My problem is writing it. Here is what I think a query letter should be.  Anyone feel free to add.

A query letter is divided into three paragraphs:  Hook, conflict & resolution paragraph (first), plot and book information paragraph (second) and biography paragraph (last).  The last line at the bottom is: the thank you.

This is what I got from Wolfe; the last time he helped me with a query letter.  Look at my first post and you will see how I first used this format.

I have noticed things seem to be different in the mother country.

[pb]

i think deleting lin's last post was just fascist, actually.

lin was like a boxer who got punched back by the fly-ball, that's all.

dont get me wrong...if wolfe asked me too i'd kill him, but still, you can't just rip his throat out like that

[Alice, a Country Gal]

I replied to pb by PM. Below is what I told him.

If it makes any difference to you, the post was deleted only after he had resigned from the board.

We didn't feel there was any point in leaving it there after he was gone since it distracted from the subject of the thread rather than helped in any way.

[Swampfox one]

Try this?

The story moves at a fast pace, similar to Robert B. Parker’s Sea Change.

[Wolfe]

The story moves at a fast pace, similar to Robert B. Parker’s Sea Change.

I liked the 'raced' verb in your previous example. It says in one word what the prepositional phrase 'at a face pace' does in four. Can we see the entire revision for paragraph two please?

Wolfe

[Annmarie]

Annemarie, 
I think I have a good format for a query letter. My problem is writing it. Here is what I think a query letter should be.  Anyone feel free to add.

JH, I know you know the format.  I just meant that I'd only seen the hook and one sentence about the book and qualifications each, which is less than all my query examples have. But I understand now that you'll flesh everything out. Keep up the good work. This is an enlightening thread, and fiction queries really are death. Nonfiction ones are so much easier...

Annmarie 

[Swampfox one]

JUSTICE SERVED, a 95,000-word mystery, races through a five-week period on St. Simons Island.  Like Sea Change by Robert B. Parker.

[Wolfe]

Sorry for the delay. I'll try to reply when I can, but real life launched in a new direction.

JUSTICE SERVED, a 95,000-word mystery, races through a five-week period on St. Simons Island.  (good) Like Sea Change by Robert B. Parker. This is a fragment with a passive clause: by Robert B. Parker

Show us the entire query with updates please.

Wolfe

[Swampfox one]

With all that has happened, I believe this is the last version.

Dear Agent,

The corpse drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva sprawled on Marsh Island’s ninth green.  He failed her in life, but he would serve justice in death.

JUSTICE SERVED is a 95,000-word mystery.  It races through a five-week period on St. Simons Island like Robert B. Parker’s Sea Change.

I’m a member of the Georgia Association of Writers, as well as a participant in the Scribblers’ Retreat Writer’s Conference. 

Thank you for your time.