Author Topic: Query letter for Murder On Marsh Island Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks (Read 32185 times)

Wolfe · « **Reply #105 on:** April 03, 2009, 09:21:52 AM »

The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia. Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva. ~~He opens her safe deposit box and gets the key to catching the killer.~~

The last line ends too flat and reads too dry. Come on now. You know better.

This: key to catching the killer - has possibilities though. Can you jazz the first part up and link it to the last?

Wolfe

Swampfox one · « **Reply #106 on:** April 03, 2009, 11:24:07 AM »

Dear Agent,
The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia. Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva. The multiple DNA found on and in the cadaver presents the key to catching the killer.

OR

The key to catching the killer rest within the multiple DNA found on the cadaver.

Alice, a Country Gal · « **Reply #107 on:** April 03, 2009, 11:45:09 AM »

Quote from: JHMull on April 03, 2009, 11:24:07 AM

Dear Agent,
The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia. Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva. The multiple DNA found on and in the cadaver presents the key to catching the killer.

OR

The key to catching the killer rest within the multiple DNA found on the cadaver.

I keep stumbling over the way the DNA is handled. It may just be me and the fact that I enjoy watching CSI and other forensic shows, but my question is; is it important to say "The multiple DNA found on and in"?

Couldn't you simply refer to the DNA being key to the case in a more straightforward and direct way?

Sorry to intrude - just something that was bugging me.

Swampfox one · « **Reply #108 on:** April 03, 2009, 01:07:34 PM »

Quote from: Country4Gal on April 03, 2009, 11:45:09 AM

I keep stumbling over the way the DNA is handled. It may just be me and the fact that I enjoy watching CSI and other forensic shows, but my question is; is it important to say "The multiple DNA found on and in"?

Couldn't you simply refer to the DNA being key to the case in a more straightforward and direct way?

Sorry to intrude - just something that was bugging me.

Alice, sweet pea, there now we are close and closer so you cannot possibly intrude any longer. The reason I say multiple DNA is because seven DNA samples are found in and on the corpse— five male and two female. The beauty queen once broke turns to sex and black mail for money. However you make a good point. (I like NCIS myself but I have always been a fan of Mark Harman since St Elsewhere.)

The key to catching the killer rest within the DNA found on the beauty queen.

Alice, a Country Gal · « **Reply #109 on:** April 03, 2009, 01:30:27 PM »

Quote

The key to catching the killer rest within the DNA found on the beauty queen.

I understand that point - just wondered if any DNA was located near the body as well. It seems that is the case sometime.

Plus, for the purpose of the Query, if it was necessary to state that it was in or on the body.

JH, I've been following this thread and learning things as it goes along.

Swampfox one · « **Reply #110 on:** April 03, 2009, 01:43:41 PM »

Quote from: Country4Gal on April 03, 2009, 01:30:27 PM

I understand that point - just wondered if any DNA was located near the body as well. It seems that is the case sometime.

Plus, for the purpose of the Query, if it was necessary to state that it was in or on the body.

JH, I've been following this thread and learning things as it goes along.

Just don't want you to feel you are intruding on anything I’m doing.
DNA does play a big part. I used ‘in or on’ because of where all the DNA is found: top, front and rear as it were. Later when the corpse’s panties are found DNA is found on them that ties everything together for the sheriff. As well as the DNA found on the killers slacks.

Wolfe · « **Reply #111 on:** April 03, 2009, 05:16:41 PM »

Alice makes a valid point though. How important is it to the query? While priceless to the novel, is it a must for the query? Let's see a final line without it and decide.

After all, the public didn't care about the DNA evidence in the O.J. Simpson scandel. They care more about the murders and the drama that lead to it.

Remember that.

Wolfe

Swampfox one · « **Reply #112 on:** April 03, 2009, 05:34:28 PM »

Quote from: Wolfe on April 03, 2009, 05:16:41 PM

Alice makes a valid point though. How important is it to the query? While priceless to the novel, is it a must for the query? Let's see a final line without it and decide.

After all, the public didn't care about the DNA evidence in the O.J. Simpson scandel. They care more about the murders and the drama that lead to it.

Remember that.

Wolfe

Happy to.

this beings up a question. How close does the query letter have to be to the general theme of the book.

Wolfe · « **Reply #113 on:** April 03, 2009, 05:40:59 PM »

The query letter must reflect the tone, language, and voice within the novel ... if I understand your question.

Wolfe

Swampfox one · « **Reply #114 on:** April 03, 2009, 06:22:17 PM »

Got it.

eric · « **Reply #115 on:** April 03, 2009, 07:46:56 PM »

Wolfe -- I am sorry if this is yet another idiotic question, but why does this query need to be longer than two sentences? Any more would seem to be redundant at this point. Not that Mull shouldn't try it -- I just wonder what's left to be accomplished. So far, the third sentence has just detracted from the other two ... and really, there is no point in simply summarizing the plot. Isn't the object a query with a few sharp images to give an inference of what the book's about, a teaser, nothing more?

Swampfox one · « **Reply #116 on:** April 03, 2009, 08:36:37 PM »

here it is.

Dear Agent,
The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia. Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva. He uncovers infidelity and blackmail before cornering the killer.

Wolfe · « **Reply #117 on:** April 03, 2009, 09:05:42 PM »

The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia. Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva. ~~He uncovers infidelity and blackmail before cornering the killer.~~

The goal. Tell us the goal in the novel.

I'll hint ... To uncover a killer...

Your third sentence must deliver a twist—something that shows your skill and raises the bar. Show the agent why your query and novel stands out. Otherwise, it will fall flat.

Each sentence must raise tension higher and higher. The last sentence must deliver.

This is from Thomas Harris' The Silence of the Lambs.

A young FBI agent. An evil genius locked away for unspeakable crimes. A plunge into the darkest chambers of a psychopath's mind—in the deadly search for a serial killer...

Note how each sentence grows in length and tension until the last sentences addresses the goal. It's the Golden Triangle. Triple repetition. The Trinity.

Show us. Make us want to read your novel.

Edit: Note the brilliant, and intended, alliteration and assonance. The adjectives and adverbs reflect each other. It looks simple, but those are well-crafted sentences.

Wolfe

Swampfox one · « **Reply #118 on:** April 03, 2009, 11:19:31 PM »

Illicit passion, forbidden unions, greed and obsession lead the way to the killer.

Wolfe · « **Reply #119 on:** April 04, 2009, 05:41:04 AM »

Sorry, but I'm not feeling this sentence.

Remember the positions for your power words and offer a twist in the third sentence. The twist will make your query stand-out from the rest.

Give the agent something a little unexpected.

Wolfe