Author Topic: Query letter for Murder On Marsh Island Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks  (Read 32185 times)

Wolfe

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The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva. He opens her safe deposit box and gets the key to catching the killer.

The last line ends too flat and reads too dry.  Come on now. You know better. ;) This: key to catching the killer - has possibilities though. Can you jazz the first part up and link it to the last?

Wolfe

Offline Swampfox one

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Dear Agent,
The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva.  The multiple DNA found on and in the cadaver presents the key to catching the killer.

 ;D ;D ;D

OR

The key to catching the killer rest within the multiple DNA found on the cadaver.

« Last Edit: April 03, 2009, 11:26:32 AM by JHMull »

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Dear Agent,
The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva.  The multiple DNA found on and in the cadaver presents the key to catching the killer.

 ;D ;D ;D

OR

The key to catching the killer rest within the multiple DNA found on the cadaver.



I keep stumbling over the way the DNA is handled.  It may just be me and the fact that I enjoy watching CSI and other forensic shows, but my question is; is it important to say "The multiple DNA found on and in"? 

Couldn't you simply refer to the DNA being key to the case in a more straightforward and direct way?

Sorry to intrude - just something that was bugging me.
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Offline Swampfox one

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I keep stumbling over the way the DNA is handled.  It may just be me and the fact that I enjoy watching CSI and other forensic shows, but my question is; is it important to say "The multiple DNA found on and in"? 

Couldn't you simply refer to the DNA being key to the case in a more straightforward and direct way?

Sorry to intrude - just something that was bugging me.

Alice, sweet pea, there now we are close and closer so you cannot possibly intrude any longer.  The reason I say multiple DNA is because seven DNA samples are found in and on the corpseó five male and two female.  The beauty queen once broke turns to sex and black mail for money.  However you make a good point. (I like NCIS myself but I have always been a fan of Mark Harman since St Elsewhere.)

The key to catching the killer rest within the DNA found on the beauty queen.


Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Quote
The key to catching the killer rest within the DNA found on the beauty queen.

I understand that point - just wondered if any DNA was located near the body as well. It seems that is the case sometime.

Plus, for the purpose of the Query, if it was necessary to state that it was in or on the body.

JH, I've been following this thread and learning things as it goes along.  :)
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Swampfox one

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I understand that point - just wondered if any DNA was located near the body as well. It seems that is the case sometime.

Plus, for the purpose of the Query, if it was necessary to state that it was in or on the body.

JH, I've been following this thread and learning things as it goes along.  :)

Just don't want you to feel you are intruding on anything Iím doing.
DNA does play a big part.  I used Ďin or oní because of where all the DNA is found: top, front and rear as it were. Later when the corpseís panties are found DNA is found on them that ties everything together for the sheriff. As well as the DNA found on the killers slacks.

Wolfe

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Alice makes a valid point though.  How important is it to the query? While priceless to the novel, is it a must for the query?  Let's see a final line without it and decide.

After all, the public didn't care about the DNA evidence in the O.J. Simpson scandel.  They care more about the murders and the drama that lead to it.

Remember that. :)

Wolfe

Offline Swampfox one

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Alice makes a valid point though.  How important is it to the query? While priceless to the novel, is it a must for the query?  Let's see a final line without it and decide.

After all, the public didn't care about the DNA evidence in the O.J. Simpson scandel.  They care more about the murders and the drama that lead to it.

Remember that. :)

Wolfe

Happy to.

this beings up a question.  How close does the query letter have to be to the general theme of the book.

Wolfe

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The query letter must reflect the tone, language, and voice within the novel ... if I understand your question.

Wolfe

Offline Swampfox one

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Got it. ;D

Offline eric

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Wolfe -- I am sorry if this is yet another idiotic question, but why does this query need to be longer than two sentences?  Any more would seem to be redundant at this point.  Not that Mull shouldn't try it -- I just wonder what's left to be accomplished.  So far, the third sentence has just detracted from the other two ... and really, there is no point in simply summarizing the plot.  Isn't the object a query with a few sharp images to give an inference of what the book's about, a teaser, nothing more?
« Last Edit: April 03, 2009, 08:29:32 PM by eric »

Offline Swampfox one

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here it is.

Dear Agent,
The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva.  He uncovers infidelity and blackmail before cornering the killer.


Wolfe

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The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva.  He uncovers infidelity and blackmail before cornering the killer.

The goal. Tell us the goal in the novel. :) I'll hint ... To uncover a killer...

Your third sentence must deliver a twistósomething that shows your skill and raises the bar. Show the agent why your query and novel stands out. Otherwise, it will fall flat.

Each sentence must raise tension higher and higher.  The last sentence must deliver.

This is from Thomas Harris' The Silence of the Lambs.


A young FBI agent. An evil genius locked away for unspeakable crimes. A plunge into the darkest chambers of a psychopath's mindóin the deadly search for a serial killer...


Note how each sentence grows in length and tension until the last sentences addresses the goal. It's the Golden Triangle. Triple repetition. The Trinity.

Show us. Make us want to read your novel. :)

Edit: Note the brilliant, and intended, alliteration and assonance. The adjectives and adverbs reflect each other.  It looks simple, but those are well-crafted sentences.

Wolfe
« Last Edit: April 03, 2009, 09:24:30 PM by Wolfe »

Offline Swampfox one

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Illicit passion, forbidden unions, greed and obsession lead the way to the killer.

Wolfe

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Sorry, but I'm not feeling this sentence.  :-[

Remember the positions for your power words and offer a twist in the third sentence. The twist will make your query stand-out from the rest.

Give the agent something a little unexpected.

Wolfe