Author Topic: Query letter for Murder On Marsh Island Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks  (Read 32179 times)

Offline eric

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10576
Please note that the corpse was never Miss Georgia.  The corpse did not get to be a corpse until Miss Georgia was murdered.  Merely for your consideration.

Offline Swampfox one

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3306
  • Old Warriors donít die; They play with cats
The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ever did as Miss Georgia, yet
Sheriff Lightfoot discovers more to the murder than a dead viva.



Wolfe

  • Guest
The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ever did as Miss Georgia, yet
Sheriff Lightfoot discovers more to the murder than a dead viva.

Sorry, I meant like this. :)

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ever did as Miss Georgia. Yet,
Sheriff Lightfoot discovers (discovered) more to the murder than a dead viva. (What's a viva? You mean diva? Oh, I like that)

Clarify please. ;)

Wolfe

Offline Swampfox one

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3306
  • Old Warriors donít die; They play with cats
Once more.

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ever did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva.

Wolfe

  • Guest
The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ever (qualifier) did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, sheriff (Sheriff - remember to caps titles) Lightfoot discovered (good alliteration start with Ds here) more to the murder (good alliteration with the Ms here) than a dead diva (good alliteration continued with Ds here).

Starting to come together. ;)

Wolfe
« Last Edit: March 30, 2009, 10:15:43 PM by Wolfe »

Offline eric

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10576
Well, here's a thought which fixes the logical conundrum I mentioned and the stylistic curiosity posed by "Yet" joining these two particular sentences, which are not opposed.  Just for your consideration:

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than Miss Georgia did.  And Sheriff Lightfoot found more in this murder than a dead diva.

Offline Swampfox one

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3306
  • Old Warriors donít die; They play with cats
Good Evening,

Dear Agent,

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva - incest, infidelity and, finally, the killer.

JUSTICE SERVED is a 95,000-word mystery.  Similar to Robert B. Parkerís Sea Change, it races through a five-week period on St. Simons Island.

Iím a member of the Georgia Association of Writers, as well as a participant in the Scribblersí Retreat Writerís Conference. 

Thank you for your time.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2009, 09:37:37 PM by JHMull »

Offline eric

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10576
Your third sentence (actually a sentence fragment) no doubt has some fine qualities which I miss.  It, however, tells, it is full of abstractions and generic words, it is poorly formatted (commas), and grammatically lacks a conjunction as well as a verb, it is redundant, it has two needless adverbs, and it gives the game away.  I am not sure what it adds that's good.  Sorry.  Maybe it's just me.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2009, 07:33:38 PM by eric »

Offline Cathy C

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6592
  • Procrastination is the thief of time.
JH, I really like the way your query letter is evolving and I especially love the first seven words of your new opening - (Go Wolfe ;D)

Quote
The corpse sprawled on the ninth green.

Fantastic! (And yes, for all those of you who hate exclamation marks, this one was necessary - Right! :P)

But I'm not sure about the rest of the sentence - does it contain one, or two comma's? :-\

Quote
The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.


I read this two ways:

The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.

Or

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green, drawing more stares than it had as Miss Georgia.

« Last Edit: April 01, 2009, 09:27:18 PM by Cathy C »
Novel: Where Thereís Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX

Offline DebBuckingham

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
    • Debs Writing Muse
JH,

Not a bad start, but if I may, I'd like to recommend a few things as I've just gone through this process with many author friends of mine... Here goes...

I would recommend that you break this down into a 5 paragraphs: 1,2,and 3 will tell the story. You want this to read much like the backcover would. Paragraph 4 needs to include word count, title, the fact that you have it available for submission, your target audience. This is also a great paragraph to insert any similarities to the "house" you're submittting to. Paragraph 5 will include all your credentials: writers groups, any kind of anything that you've published. Have you ever been a regular contributor to anything? That gives you credibility as well... And of course, your Thank you for taking the time. I look forward to hearing back from you. (shows them you are waiting and anxious) ;)

Good luck, this isn't an easy task. I should know, it took me weeks to perfect it. But remember, you could perfect forever, so when you get it in format, it sounds fabulous... send it off!!!!

Deb

Offline Cathy C

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6592
  • Procrastination is the thief of time.
Sorry JH, I'm hijacking here, a bit, but...

Quote
Good luck, this isn't an easy task. I should know, it took me weeks to perfect it.

Weeks? Deb, you are now officially my hero. :-*



Novel: Where Thereís Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX

Offline Swampfox one

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3306
  • Old Warriors donít die; They play with cats
Sorry JH, I'm hijacking here, a bit, but...

Weeks? Deb, you are now officially my hero. :-*

Cathy C. how could you say that! :(
I appreciate your thoughts. 8)

And Deb weeks?  :(   I have been working on how to write a good query for years! ::) ::)
 

Wolfe

  • Guest
I agree with Cathy C ... as usual. :)

The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia. (Agreed with the commas)

Remember, you want your last line to force the agent to demand a partial.  Right now, it lacks this.  Don't forget your structure and power words. :)  Can you end your summary sentence with something more slamming?  We'll work on the rest after we review the opening paragraph.  ;D

On a side note, I must disagree with the, "Eager to hear from you line," because it's a given.  Of course, you're eager to hear a response.  Hopefully, a positive one right?  ;)

Just my humble opinion.

Wolfe
« Last Edit: April 01, 2009, 09:45:47 PM by Wolfe »

Offline Cathy C

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6592
  • Procrastination is the thief of time.
Quote
Cathy C. how could you say that

Easy. ;D

Quote
I appreciate your thoughts.

 :-*
Can't speak, in a swoon. :o

Quote
I agree with Cathy C ... as usual.



 


Novel: Where Thereís Smoke. Published by Fireborn publishing http://amzn.to/2tZKNCn

Short Story: A Killer Week Published by Bridge House http://amzn.to/2rhLVAX

Offline Swampfox one

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3306
  • Old Warriors donít die; They play with cats
Here we are again. 8)

Dear Agent,
The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.  Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva.  He opens her safe deposit box and gets the key to catching the killer.