Author Topic: Query letter for Murder On Marsh Island Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks (Read 32179 times)

eric · « **Reply #90 on:** March 30, 2009, 09:36:39 PM »

Please note that the corpse was never Miss Georgia. The corpse did not get to be a corpse until Miss Georgia was murdered. Merely for your consideration.

Swampfox one · « **Reply #91 on:** March 30, 2009, 09:41:31 PM »

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ever did as Miss Georgia, yet
Sheriff Lightfoot discovers more to the murder than a dead viva.

Wolfe · « **Reply #92 on:** March 30, 2009, 09:48:37 PM »

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ever did as Miss Georgia, yet
Sheriff Lightfoot discovers more to the murder than a dead viva.

Sorry, I meant like this.

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ever did as Miss Georgia. Yet,
Sheriff Lightfoot discovers (discovered) more to the murder than a dead viva. (What's a viva? You mean diva? Oh, I like that)

Clarify please.

Wolfe

Swampfox one · « **Reply #93 on:** March 30, 2009, 09:57:17 PM »

Once more.

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ever did as Miss Georgia. Yet, sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva.

Wolfe · « **Reply #94 on:** March 30, 2009, 10:13:30 PM »

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it ~~ever~~ (qualifier) did as Miss Georgia. Yet, sheriff (Sheriff - remember to caps titles) Lightfoot discovered (good alliteration start with Ds here) more to the murder (good alliteration with the Ms here) than a dead diva (good alliteration continued with Ds here).

Starting to come together.

Wolfe

eric · « **Reply #95 on:** March 30, 2009, 10:15:52 PM »

Well, here's a thought which fixes the logical conundrum I mentioned and the stylistic curiosity posed by "Yet" joining these two particular sentences, which are not opposed. Just for your consideration:

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than Miss Georgia did. And Sheriff Lightfoot found more in this murder than a dead diva.

Swampfox one · « **Reply #96 on:** March 31, 2009, 07:45:22 PM »

Good Evening,

Dear Agent,

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia. Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva - incest, infidelity and, finally, the killer.

JUSTICE SERVED is a 95,000-word mystery. Similar to Robert B. Parker’s Sea Change, it races through a five-week period on St. Simons Island.

I’m a member of the Georgia Association of Writers, as well as a participant in the Scribblers’ Retreat Writer’s Conference.

Thank you for your time.

eric · « **Reply #97 on:** April 01, 2009, 09:21:28 AM »

Your third sentence (actually a sentence fragment) no doubt has some fine qualities which I miss. It, however, tells, it is full of abstractions and generic words, it is poorly formatted (commas), and grammatically lacks a conjunction as well as a verb, it is redundant, it has two needless adverbs, and it gives the game away. I am not sure what it adds that's good. Sorry. Maybe it's just me.

Cathy C · « **Reply #98 on:** April 01, 2009, 08:51:51 PM »

JH, I really like the way your query letter is evolving and I especially love the first seven words of your new opening - (Go Wolfe

)

Quote

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green.

Fantastic! (And yes, for all those of you who hate exclamation marks, this one was necessary - Right!

)

But I'm not sure about the rest of the sentence - does it contain one, or two comma's? $:-\$

Quote

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.

I read this two ways:

The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.

Or

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green, drawing more stares than it had as Miss Georgia.

DebBuckingham · « **Reply #99 on:** April 01, 2009, 09:11:12 PM »

JH,

Not a bad start, but if I may, I'd like to recommend a few things as I've just gone through this process with many author friends of mine... Here goes...

I would recommend that you break this down into a 5 paragraphs: 1,2,and 3 will tell the story. You want this to read much like the backcover would. Paragraph 4 needs to include word count, title, the fact that you have it available for submission, your target audience. This is also a great paragraph to insert any similarities to the "house" you're submittting to. Paragraph 5 will include all your credentials: writers groups, any kind of anything that you've published. Have you ever been a regular contributor to anything? That gives you credibility as well... And of course, your Thank you for taking the time. I look forward to hearing back from you. (shows them you are waiting and anxious)

Good luck, this isn't an easy task. I should know, it took me weeks to perfect it. But remember, you could perfect forever, so when you get it in format, it sounds fabulous... send it off!!!!

Cathy C · « **Reply #100 on:** April 01, 2009, 09:35:34 PM »

Sorry JH, I'm hijacking here, a bit, but...

Quote

Good luck, this isn't an easy task. I should know, it took me weeks to perfect it.

Weeks? Deb, you are now officially my hero.

Swampfox one · « **Reply #101 on:** April 01, 2009, 09:41:44 PM »

Quote from: Cathy C on April 01, 2009, 09:35:34 PM

Sorry JH, I'm hijacking here, a bit, but...

Weeks? Deb, you are now officially my hero.

Cathy C. how could you say that!

I appreciate your thoughts.

And Deb weeks?

I have been working on how to write a good query for years!

Wolfe · « **Reply #102 on:** April 01, 2009, 09:42:58 PM »

I agree with Cathy C ... as usual.

The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia. (Agreed with the commas)

Remember, you want your last line to force the agent to demand a partial. Right now, it lacks this. Don't forget your structure and power words.

Can you end your summary sentence with something more slamming? We'll work on the rest after we review the opening paragraph.

On a side note, I must disagree with the, "Eager to hear from you line," because it's a given. Of course, you're eager to hear a response. Hopefully, a positive one right?

Just my humble opinion.

Wolfe

Cathy C · « **Reply #103 on:** April 01, 2009, 09:51:50 PM »

Quote

Cathy C. how could you say that

Easy.

Quote

I appreciate your thoughts.

Can't speak, in a swoon.

Quote

I agree with Cathy C ... as usual.

Swampfox one · « **Reply #104 on:** April 03, 2009, 09:06:43 AM »

Here we are again.

Dear Agent,
The corpse, sprawled on the ninth green, drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia. Yet, Sheriff Lightfoot discovered more to the murder than a dead diva. He opens her safe deposit box and gets the key to catching the killer.