Author Topic: Query letter for Murder On Marsh Island Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks (Read 32204 times)

Wolfe · « **Reply #75 on:** March 28, 2009, 05:42:17 PM »

Okay.

Give me a few hours to return. Real life and all.

~~Her~~ (consider: The) ~~naked body~~ (consider: corpse) sprawled on the golf course (consider: green or something specific) drew more stares than ~~she~~ (consider: it) ~~ever~~ (wordy) did as Miss Georgia.

Oh yes. I like that. Consider the changes for a more slamming effect. I do believe you have it, Dr. Watson.

Wolfe

eric · « **Reply #76 on:** March 28, 2009, 05:48:45 PM »

Heh, okay, never mind then. But what about this?

The corpse sprawled on the golf course green drew more stares than ~~she (consider: it) ever (wordy) did as~~ Miss Georgia.

Swampfox one · « **Reply #77 on:** March 28, 2009, 06:01:09 PM »

Give me a few hours to return. Real life and all.
Yes Saturday nights are for steaks, baked potatoes and of course champagne. And the night that belongs to one’s wife. With that I am off to have two fingers of GJ.

Wolfe · « **Reply #78 on:** March 29, 2009, 03:19:31 AM »

Teachers call the power words lesson, used above, the "2-3-1" technique. This means, literally, the writer places the second most powerful noun first, the least powerful nouns midway, and the most powerful noun last in the sentence.

Add power verbs in the "3" section, and you'll write stunning sentences for your query every time.

JH, use the technique again for your query's second sentence please.

Wolfe

Swampfox one · « **Reply #79 on:** March 29, 2009, 08:55:34 PM »

I have never heard of the 2-3-1 technique before!
The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.

She calls to sheriff Lightfoot for help covered in semen and blood.

eric · « **Reply #80 on:** March 29, 2009, 09:00:11 PM »

Oh JH, really? I guess I should just leave this for Wolfe. So I'll just leave the thread.

Wolfe · « **Reply #81 on:** March 30, 2009, 12:45:00 AM »

Quote from: JHMull on March 29, 2009, 08:55:34 PM

She calls to sheriff Lightfoot for help covered in semen and blood.

Is this your second sentence choice? The sentence says, "The corpse, covered in body fluid, telephones the sheriff." Unintended imagery, I hope. Best clarify.

Wolfe

Hack · « **Reply #82 on:** March 30, 2009, 08:14:11 AM »

Quote from: JHMull on March 28, 2009, 06:01:09 PM

Give me a few hours to return. Real life and all.
Yes Saturday nights are for steaks, baked potatoes and of course champagne. And the night that belongs to one’s wife. With that I am off to have two fingers of GJ.

Hey JH,

Forgive an ignorant Limey, but what is a GJ please? I thought about Gordon's Jin, but that spelling isn't correct of course!

Whatever it is, I hope you enjoyed.

I like some of the edits and suggestions you had. I like the 'power-words' suggestion especially.

I fiddled around with this too, and I came up with:

Ageing beauty queen, Amelia Smith, loved making news. Right now, sprawled on the ninth green at Augusta National, her headless corpse made it big-time.

Maybe I didn't get the power words in the right order though.

MH

Swampfox one · « **Reply #83 on:** March 30, 2009, 11:21:14 AM »

Hi MH

GJ is Gentlemen Jack. The best that Jack Daniels has to offer. I am afraid I do enjoy it just a bit to much.

You seem to have a better grasp on the power noun 2-3-1 technique than I.

I think you are talking about what Wolfe as said not I.

Thanks for your input and stay with the thread.

JH

LinRobinson · « **Reply #84 on:** March 30, 2009, 01:15:01 PM »

Your first one was better. Stick with it instead of this one.

Swampfox one · « **Reply #85 on:** March 30, 2009, 01:18:02 PM »

Thanks Lin.

Swampfox one · « **Reply #86 on:** March 30, 2009, 01:44:14 PM »

Quote from: Wolfe on March 30, 2009, 12:45:00 AM

Is this your second sentence choice? The sentence says, "The corpse, covered in body fluid, telephones the sheriff." Unintended imagery, I hope. Best clarify.

Wolfe

No,

maybe

Sheriff Lightfoot soon learns there is more to this homicide than Miss Georgia.

Wolfe · « **Reply #87 on:** March 30, 2009, 06:14:05 PM »

Sheriff Lightfoot ~~soon learns~~ (consider: discovers) ~~there is~~ more to this (consider: the) ~~homicide~~ (repetition from first line - consider: murder) than Miss Georgia (repetition from first line - consider: beauty queen, dead beauty, or something more poetic or lyrical).

Wolfe

Swampfox one · « **Reply #88 on:** March 30, 2009, 09:00:11 PM »

Okay again into the valley.

The corpse sprawled on the ninth green drew more stares than it did as Miss Georgia.

Sheriff Lightfoot discovers there is more to the murder than a dead beauty queen.

JH

Wolfe · « **Reply #89 on:** March 30, 2009, 09:06:21 PM »

(Consider adding a conjunction to link the sentence ideas. Consider: Yet, But) Sheriff Lightfoot discovers ~~there is~~ (you can remove this phrase and a linking verb without damage to the sentence) more to the murder than a dead beauty (Hmmm. Not liking the double adjective - can you write a better noun?) queen.

Wolfe